You have a good story going on here. Try to give the characters a little more background without giving away everything. Also, change up the style of the writing a bit more. Instead of starting off with Such and such did or said, try another approach.
So instead of "Athenais turned away and took a long moment to study her drinking companions." Try "Turning away, Athenias took a moment to study her companions." It makes the sentence less wordy while still conveying the same thought and emotion.
Be a little more descriptive with elements of the story. Give a background to show why the Millenium Potion was developed and used. You may have done this later on in the story but give some hint early on. It makes the reader want to discover more about the Millenium Potion without forgetting what it is.
If you change up the writing to flow more stylistically and add some description you can use less dialog as well. Some things are better left unspoken and more to thought or description. If a character gets nervous dont make dialogue to show his/her nervousness... make a physical trait out of it like hair twirling, running a finger around the rim of a bar glass ect.
Still, the story is a good one and sets up for more to come.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kaeldane
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 3:59pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
