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Review by Kael
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You have a good story going on here. Try to give the characters a little more background without giving away everything. Also, change up the style of the writing a bit more. Instead of starting off with Such and such did or said, try another approach.
So instead of "Athenais turned away and took a long moment to study her drinking companions." Try "Turning away, Athenias took a moment to study her companions." It makes the sentence less wordy while still conveying the same thought and emotion.
Be a little more descriptive with elements of the story. Give a background to show why the Millenium Potion was developed and used. You may have done this later on in the story but give some hint early on. It makes the reader want to discover more about the Millenium Potion without forgetting what it is.

If you change up the writing to flow more stylistically and add some description you can use less dialog as well. Some things are better left unspoken and more to thought or description. If a character gets nervous dont make dialogue to show his/her nervousness... make a physical trait out of it like hair twirling, running a finger around the rim of a bar glass ect.

Still, the story is a good one and sets up for more to come.
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