Before I start, know that this will be my first ever review. So, of course, I may come off like an amateur. Also know that i don't necessarily know how to do some of the things like blue letters and stuff and don't have enough time on my hands to figure that out at the moment. But I will do my best to give you some decent feedback, so here goes.
What I liked: Well, to start off, I indeed enjoyed this. You've given a good idea of the lands and its current events. You've also made the era clear enough. The dialogue is also well written. The best part for me is when they began talking about the, most likely, dead woman. The way you had the characters speak then had me intrigued to continue and see what this was all about.
The Plot: The story opens with an urgent message. Makes me curious to keep going and find out what this is about. What I see basically going on as the story goes on is that King Maurice attempted to establish a great city, one that he didn't care to do in the first place. The city was supposed to be great, but ultimately failed horribly. Eventually, it was finally destroyed by a violent storm. Tolus believes that by rebuilding it better than it was before, they could demonstrate how powerful the King can be by rising over failures. A pretty interesting plot so far, I'd say.
Hook: The hook you left was probably the question, "What would be the final decision?" i left curious as to what this meeting with the roundtable will result in.
One thing I might say, though. You may not have to have "Tolus said" or "the King said" as often as you do. For example, here:
“Of course your majesty, I understand completely. This is a great decision. Though I must insist that it be a quick one, before the city falls to irreparable chaos.” Tolus responded.
I'd already figured Tolus was the one responding, so "Tolus responded" at the end may not have been necessary, especially since he's already said three sentences. Perhaps I could suggest having him perform some kind of action before, after, or during what he says. Putting the action before the dialogue will give the reader an idea of who's talking without having to write "he said". Putting the action afterwards and replacing the "Tolus responded" would make the end of that part of the dialogue seem less unnecessary.
And if you don't care for any of that, merely move the "Tolus responded" part to after the first sentence. This can be done with a few other moments in your dialogue as well, I believe.
But overall, the dialogue is like I said well-written in my opinion.
Another thing might be that when I write stories I like to have relationships between characters told through the dialogue and the actions toward each other rather than telling. Maybe you could try this out as well in the future. I'm not saying the "tell don't show" parts of the story are bad and don't work (they do, in fact). I'm just sharing how I like to do it and what works for me.
Other than that, you've described what they were doing as they conversed well. I had a good understanding of what each character was doing as the conversation went on. Their actions during the dialogue also made it more natural.
Of course, this is strictly what I think and a mere suggestion. And I'm not incredibly experienced in the world of writing. Take what you believe to be good and do away with the rest is all I ask, but hopefully something in there was helpful. Honestly I feel like I did a poor job, but i'll figure this out eventually... hopefully.
All in all, I really did enjoy your work and I will definitely come back for the next part. |
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