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1
Review of Hot pockets  Open in new Window.
Review by Kalistra Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Disclaimer: This review is written with the best of intentions and reflects my personal opinions & suggestions. Feel free to discuss, disregard or regard. Reviews in return will be much appreciated!


Thank you for "Hot pockets" Open in new Window.!

Hi Fred Huddle Author Icon,

I found this piece browsing through your portfolio, looking for an item to review in return, as a thank you for reviewing two of my pieces.

OVERALL: This is an interesting piece. The best part is that you managed to show me what Dean/Nicholas was feeling and how he sees the world, instead of telling me. Very well done! It's a rare writer who can give a glimpse into the mind of a paranoid schizophrenic without confusing the reader.

PLOT, CHARACTERS, DIALOG: The plot was excellent. Halfway through I was thinking this was just going to be a description of a mentally ill man. I would even have been satisfied with that, because of all the little details and quirks you added to the character to make him come alive. Then you managed to put in a twist in the end, where I realized he's even more delusional then I thought at first!
The dialog was okay, sometimes good and really adding to the character depth, sometimes a little confusing. Confusing parts were: the shower and the honey and dear part, which could be really funny I think, but I'm not quite sure I get it.

SETTING: The first sentence was a great introduction. It immediately grabs the reader's attention. I also found it quite funny that he can yell he hates hot pockets, but feels the fact he dislikes pockets that are hot is confidential. A very good start, it sets the tone perfectly. You used the setting very well, in particular the "white room".

SUGGESTIONS:
- You use "really" quite a few times. I'm not sure how much this adds to the piece. You might use stronger words instead, such as "stunning" instead of "really nice". Since I started putting pieces on WdC reviewers have been telling me that adverbs (~ly words) are a sign of lazy writing and shouldn't occur more often than every 300 words. Also, passive writing can weaken your writing: "was" instead of "had been" (here I was a little confused anyway, because you say Nicholas had been talking to Dill, but he's still talking to him...)
- Your punctuation for the dialog isn't always correct. You sometimes have a capital letter after you close your quotation mark: “Anyways,” Said Nicholas. One sentence was also a little strange: "The freak occurrence... explained Nicholas,...combusted into flames." He's explaining it, but it's not written between quotation marks.
-A final suggestion which is really just an idea, that you might not like at all. Would it be an idea to change the title to "Hot Pockets"? I really liked how this was threaded through the story, it's strange enough to intrigue the reader and won't give so much away. The writing is strong enough that you don't need to make it clear to the reader that this is about a mentally ill man.

I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece. Very well written, it's amazing how you manage to show the reader the mind of someone who is quite far removed from reality.

Write on!

Kalistra
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of Vengeful  Open in new Window.
Review by Kalistra Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (3.5)
*RainbowL*This review is from Showering Acts of Joy*RainbowR*

Disclaimer: This review is written with the best of intentions and reflects my personal opinions & suggestions. Feel free to discuss, disregard or regard. Most of all, follow your own instincts!


Hi jaya Author Icon,

Thank you for "Vengeful" Open in new Window.!

I found this piece browsing through your portfolio for your Shower.

OVERALL: I like the idea you have here, vengeance even after death. It became a real twist, because by the time I got there I'd forgotten all about the title. This was mainly because you managed to convey the happy-go-lucky holiday vibe of the boys. Well done!

EMOTIONS & PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: This story really made me think of those Chinese horror stories I read when I was young. They're some of the scariest, mind screwing stories I know. I used to have nightmares for days *Ghost*

PLOT, CHARACTERS, DIALOG: Overall I think you had a good plot, starting with a happy beginning, there's a forewarning when Manu walks into Ajay's apartment, and then a steady build-up of tension to the climax. Cool!
The characters were believable, a happy trio of bachelors enjoying life. I got a little confused halfway; in the paragraph after Manu arrives and tells the three kids he'll be down to play, you throw around a few names. I was confused who was who, the kids or Manu's friends? Perhaps mentioning the names of his friends earlier would help?
Your dialog had a good flow, you didn't have redundant speech. Sometimes the punctuation for the dialog wasn't quite correct.

SETTING:
I like that you use some typical Indian foods, it made the story more authentic.
I both like and dislike the imagery you use. Sometimes you tend to be overly complex (e.g. "The Sun was...cool and welcoming."), but the other times you use simple language very eloquently. Overall it was nice. You managed to show me how Manu was feeling most of the time, without telling me.
I found a few discrepancies, hope you don't mind my putting them here.
-A decent man obviously. -Why was it obvious? It wasn't really to me...
-Amit and Ramesh seemed to have gone on that jog they were talking about. I didn't find where they were talking about a jog.
-She ran across to a terrified Manu and pushed him to the bed. then: I slipped in the damned bath and never knew what happened later I got the impression that they were still in the living room, as Manu opens the door for Rita (in a hall/living room I assume) then he gets thrown on a bed and he uses the excuse of having slipped in bath. To me it didn't really add up.
-Poor guy never thought his holidays would turn into such a nightmare,” said Ajay This sentence confused me a lot, it almost sounds like Ajay knows something about what is happening and why it's happening. But then, why pretend to still care about him and be worried? It would fit with why he isn't very worried about his wife, with her being possessed and all. But I'm not sure this was where you meant the story to go?

SUGGESTIONS: I did find a few things which I felt could use some tightening up. You have some grammar and punctuation mistakes as well, but I'm no expert in those, plus there's always a difference in style, so I'll just write a few pointers.
- Perhaps starting off with action and then an explanation of what Manu and his buddies are doing will grab the reader's interest more.
- Some sentences are quite long with lots of comma's, which can cause confusion (e.g. "Manu’s dad owned - in western India."). Other sentences could use a comma (e.g. "Youth and money - sensibility point blank.")
- They shared a three-room flat besides a taste for~ This was a little confusing, perhaps turning it around by saying something like: Apart from a three-room flat they shared~?
- Watch out for the use of passive voice, it can weaken the writing (e.g. 'were coming', could easily be 'came')
- "To his good luck" - not sure this is correct English?
- In the beginning of the piece you don't use many obvious adverbs, but towards the end there's suddenly (haha) a whole slew of them that were quite noticeable.
- Suddenly, like a panther about to pounce, You then describe the movement when she grabs Manu; the metaphor is inaccurate. She IS pouncing like a tiger, not getting ready to.
- Somnambulist~ Yikes, here I had to grab the dictionary. Not that there's anything wrong with using uncommonly used words, but it did break up the flow, especially as it was right after the turning point of the whole story and I wanted to keep on reading.
- “Manu I love you too too much.” Not sure you meant to have a double 'too' here, if so, a comma should be inserted separating them, I think.

Thank you for putting this piece up so I could read it. I hope this review is useful to you. Please don't be discouraged by all the comments I have, I do that in all my reviews unless I hate a piece, in which case I won't review it at all. I enjoyed reading this!

Happy Writing!

Kalistra Author Icon


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of Sacrifice  Open in new Window.
Review by Kalistra Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Disclaimer: This review is written with the best of intentions and reflects my personal opinions & suggestions. Feel free to discuss, disregard or regard. Reviews in return will be much appreciated!


Thank you for "Sacrifice" Open in new Window.!

I found this piece through your portfolio and was intrigued by the title. I'm writing this review as a thank you for your excellent, in-depth review of my chapter excerpt.

OVERALL: As I said, I was intrigued by the description in your title. And you certainly did not disappoint! I love the way you made the world come to life in such a short text. The plot was interesting and the ending unexpected. Very nice!

EMOTIONS & PERSONAL EXPERIENCE: Shapechanging is one of my favorite themes, if I could sell it to myself I would make all my characters shapechangers. The start was fast-paced and kept me on edge, while the ending was poignant and heroic. Very nicely done.

PLOT, CHARACTERS, DIALOG: The plot was interesting and compelling, containing some interesting twists. Nathan was especially well represented as a character. I found everything he did believable. You manage to convey his character well: noble, intelligent, arrogant and perhaps a little sneaky. The dialog was perhaps the weakest part of the piece. As you pointed out to me the other day, watch your adverbs, "more than one every 300 words is too much" :p for example: "sighed heavily", "glared at him ferociously", " replied immediately", etc. I think this stunted your dialog somewhat. I did find the beginning entertaining, when the hunters are arguing amongst themselves.

SETTING:The characters were well balanced in my opinion, with easily identifiable good guys and bad guys. You managed to bring depth into the story by effectively using the characters and the setting.
I would like to mention one thing, which confused me a little. You say that the Hunters believe the Changers to be extinct, and haven't found out yet what Nathan is. However, you also say that they have been trying to breed the change out of the Changers, so to speak. Also, Nathan's solution is very radical, and it is obvious the situation is desperate. But if they don't know what Nathan is and they believe the Changers to be extinct, the situation wouldn't be so desperate. Furthermore, why would the group of Hunters still exist, if they believe they have exterminated the Changers? This felt like a discrepancy.

SUGGESTIONS: Apart from the many adverbs, there are also some redundancies and repetitions, such as "smirked" (used twice) and "sniveled miserably" and "fluttering quickly". Perhaps consider taking some out or using synonyms?
Also, the discrepancy I mentioned above was a little annoying. It could easily be solved by, for example, making the Hunters believe Nathan is the last Changer. One last thing which just occurs to me, if the hunters will force Nathan to confess where his family is, won't they be suspicious if he knows nothing? What if the ways the Hunters use to force a confession causes Nathan to change? Just food for thought :)


Overall, an excellent short story, well written with an interesting and exciting plot. I read it with great enjoyment!

Hope this review helps you. Write on!

Kalistra


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review by Kalistra Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi there,

Here is a review in return as promised. I like this piece, it is different. Personally, I can't relate to how it would feel to have/want a sex change, which is why it's so good that you managed to convey those feelings in this short story. Well done, a difficult subject which you managed to show very well. I really liked how you used Lou Reid's "Take a walk on the wild side" to follow the story line (which I think is an awesome song by the way, I'm playing it right now!). Your first paragraph was particularly well done, very evocative imagery on the song, that's exactly how I feel about songs sometimes.

I did find a few mistakes and sentences that could perhaps be made clearer or tightened up a bit. Especially the punctuation causes a bit of confusion sometimes. I'll give a few examples below.
I'm not an expert on writing by a long shot, so please keep in mind these are just my opinions and suggestions, feel free to discuss, disregard or regard at will.

it could have been a silly jingle from a kids show or something. At least this is a pretty cool riff.
I was a little confused here, maybe by the different tenses you used. The song could have been a silly jingle, but it is a cool riff? Not sure what you want to say here

‘When are you coming home darling’, its my mum on the voice mail.
Perhaps: my mom says on the voicemail.

How can I go home now. & Isn’t it a place where you feel safe, cared for, comfortable, relaxed.
I think a question mark at the end of both sentences could make it stronger.

‘….A hustle here and a hustle there…’ Turn it off Lou, you're beginning to get on my nerves.

Ah, I said home, a trashy rundown apartment at the back end of nowhere.
It took me a while to figure out this sentence. Maybe if you put some extra punctuation in there it would clarify it? For example: Ah! I said 'home'. A trashy~

Ok, time to call mum. Hi mum, its me, yes I’m fine and how are you and dad, that’s good, no I don’t know when I can get to wagga, please mum, no mum, stop it mum, ok bye mum. Love you to mum.
This sentence might also benefit from changing the punctuation, also to make it clear you're on the phone and to emphasize the pauses in between, when the "mum" also speaks.

I guess I feel safe here, nobody knows me, well I say nobody knows me, what I mean is that nobody ‘really’ knows me.
Idem. For example: I guess I feel safe here. Nobody knows me. Well, I say nobody knows me, but what I mean is that nobody really knows me.

From this point on the protagonist sort of degenerates into a wreck, which I thought was quite well done. A little confusing sometimes, but that also adds to the feeling the whole piece evokes.

The theme "home" is also very strong, something I think everyone can relate to. Thank you for this short story, I hope my comments were useful to you. Write on!
5
5
Review by Kalistra Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hahaha, ow that's priceless! Talk about a story getting away from you, ey?

*Warning, spoilers, if you're reading this review and haven't read the story I heartily recommend you read the story first! It's worth it!*

What I liked: It's hilarious :) Some examples: William stays hooked on that apple smell for a few paragraphs while the narrator continues insulting him in every other way possible. William interrupts the slightly pompous Victor, while he is holding forth on his grand quest. The whole arrow thing had me laughing out loud, very nicely done. And the switch of William grabbing the story from the narrator is pure genius... You expect William to finally be dead each time and he just keeps coming back!
I also liked the way you link the first half with the second half by referring back to certain words you use, such as the arrow thudding into something as solid as a barrel of rotten apples and that his stomach acid is capable of eating through boots, which he also steals from villagers to sell to other villagers.
The overall story flow is very good, though I was a little confused in the beginning. It is a very original story, impressive! It feels like a satire on many fantasy stories, but in a good way, or how writers often wrestle with their characters and stories. Or are even infected by them ("The trolls were indeed not out hunting for birts, I mean BIRDS!" Hahaha)

Suggestions for improvement: I was very confused as to what was happening at first. Perhaps it would help if you write what the narrator says in italics, if that's possible. I've seen some novels do this.
You're right that this piece feels like it could use some tightening up, but not really that much is necessary. I'm going to make a few suggestions, hope they help!
"He couldn’t read, couldn’t write, and could barely construct a coherent sentence."
Perhaps: He couldn't read, couldn't write, could barely form a coherent sentence.
"Two swords were slicing through the air and clashing together in battle"
Your tense is a little mixed up here compared to the next sentence. Perhaps: Two swords sliced through the air and clashed together in battle.
"A troll wielded one sword, a troll with dull grey skin and cold narrow eyes that glared at his opponent."
This sentence sounds a little strange to me. Perhaps: One sword was wielded by a troll, a troll with dull grey skin and cold narrow eyes, glaring at his opponent.? Not sure... It would fit better with the next sentence if you want it in that "rhyme" form.
“I shall smite you evil troll, by the blade of my father’s sword!”
Perhaps more powerful would be: By the blade of my father's sword, I shall smite you, evil troll!

Hmm, I can't really think of other things. Really brilliant story, changed my rating to a 4,5! The way you round off the story is great. Thank you for this very entertaining story!
6
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Review by Kalistra Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Your story definitely sounds worth pursuing! I'm usually not very into science fiction, except when it refers to older cultures. Hmm, something like what you're writing! Therefore I was immediately intrigued.

What I liked:
- I love your little jokes, such as about Anglish and Inglish and Penn accidentally admitting he hadn't seen fire before
- It is very readable
- The interaction and dialog is well distributed, believable and has a good and entertaining flow
- I enjoy the way you drop hints on what this world is like: no one dies, they are perhaps slightly oppressed (they might lose their village if they let the forest burn), etc. You have found a very good balance with these hints, they are neither so obscure that I'm not intrigued because I have no idea what you're talking about and you don't overstate things so there is no mystery left. Which I think is quite impressive.

What I didn't like:
- Discrepancy: Penn states in one sentence he forgot his dispenser, but in the next sentence he is fumbling for it.
- The water dispenser takes water molecules from the air for drinking water. Unless the air contains much more moisture than here on earth, it would be unlikely they could get enough water out of a few cubic meters of air in order to put out a huge fire.

Language and flow: Overall I think your writing is very good and has a nice flow to it. Perhaps small details could make it even more readable such as: "He came rushing over and crouched down" to me would sound better if it would be "he rushed over and crouched down".

Final notes:
"Near the bottom of the slab was an artfully carved arrow, pointing upwards." Is it really an arrow pointing into the sky? Or do you mean northwards (or another direction)?
I'm also not sure how old your characters are. They could be two innocent and slightly naive adults or two wise children. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, just something you could play around with.

Thank you for your potential chapter, I enjoyed it! Hope you will pursue it further, I will definitely keep an eye out!
7
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Review by Kalistra Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Loved this chapter. It is well written and the interactions between your characters are fascinating. I particularly enjoy the king who has this whole cynical humor going on. Your characters seem well developed and 3D.

There were a few things which didn't seem very logical or consistent to me, but that's just my opinion and for sure some things will probably be explained in later chapters. For example, when they are private King Voran still calls the priest your Grace, but the priest calls the king simply Voran. The high priest is said to have an ingratiating voice, but the wording he uses is condescending.
At first the King seems one of those bad-tempered kings that demands a lot from his advisors and wants everything to go his way (he demands an explanation and when the priest gives it to him the king gets angry and wants to know if the priest actually has an answer or just complaints). But then he seems willing to let the priest and the other advisors to walk all over him and more, to conduct a war in which he will have little say.
Then he also thinks that this religion will be the end of them all but blithely lets the priest get away with whatever he wants, even giving him total free reign and demanding it becomes a Holy Crusade (which I admittedly thought was funny; you want a war? fine go do it yourself :p). However, I'm left confused if the king wants the war so he doesn't have lots of bored soldiers running amok or if it's the priest that wills it and the king has no choice but to agree. Or does he want to conquer it for other, unknown purposes and is he simply pretending to be ill-tempered and negligent? Sometimes he also seems weak-willed and I'm not sure if that was your purpose or not. Basically the king is in turns greedy, petulant, strong-willed, a little dim, struggling with his conscience, melancholy... I got a little confused by it.
The priest definately seems to have some reason other than religion to conquer Venmar, yet he is completely unprepared to offer any insight into the military affairs of Venmar. Especially as he seems to have spies, what do they report about apart from that homosexuality is rampant? I would think the number one spy report priority is military status.

Hmm, hope that I was clear and you find the review somewhat useful. Again, I thought overall it was very well written.
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