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Review of Blossoms Maligned  Open in new Window.
Review by Kalos Kagathos Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
First, a few suggestions on style:

Slipping his hand from her's should be "from hers."

"He was the first boy her age that she didn't want to drag her fist across his face at one time or another." This sentence feels a bit awkward as it is. It might sound better if you said something like "....age who didn't make her want to....." or "...age across whose face she'd never felt like...." Play with it a little more.

" It was the day before Christmas break; a Christmas they would never see."
The semicolon should be changed to a comma.

But early in the morning, it still seemed to have a hint of the pride it once possessed when it first opened four generations ago. A pride that slowly dwindled...' The period should be changed to a comma.

That's all I'll say about style. There are other minute things that could be changed, but none of these detract from the content of the story: very poignant, very beautiful, very sad, very well done.

Reading it, it had the beginning of a conventional love story, although not in a boring way, perhaps because of the kernel of foreshadowing that you sowed in the beginning when you wrote of "a Christmas that they would never see." The latter part of the story flows seamlessly and you do a great job of conveying the angst of your protagonists as they await an inexorable, unfair and absurd death and mourn another, perhaps greater death, that of a promising relationship nipped in the bud. Very good stuff.

Lastly, I liked the fact that you didn't write out their death, but merely implied its inevitability. It would have been really sad to read, otherwise.

Good job.
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