Hi I'm Katie-lyn :) This is my first formal review on this site, so I hope it helps. My mum is an English teacher, and I love to write, so I hope there will be some value in this review :)
1st PARA: To capture the audience, I think the first sentence, "I dream the same dream every night", is redundant. I think to really grab audience attention, start with, "The heat is heavy..." you mention later on that it is a dream, and it is quite obvious at the start.
"imprisons my every breath" --> "Imprisons every breath" ?? "my" is redundant
"I know that within moments" --> "It seems that within moments"?? the next paragraph says that she never does... so "I know" may be the wrong phrase?
WOW. The first paragraph is really good. It got me WANTING to find out what happened to her. I love the sensory description.
2nd PARA: should there be a question mark after "Et tu Brute" ?? as in "You too, Brutus?" (I LOVE this reference by the way! It is why I started reading this story!)
3rd PARA: "I will myself to go back to sleep" --> "I will myself back to sleep"
"re-enter that world, and find out who pushed me off the edge" --> she never finds out who pushed her off the edge... "... hoping to find out" ??
4th PARA: "I dream the same dream each night" --> I like this, though maybe stop the first sentence there, as a statement.
"through each hour of each day" --> "each" is used twice in the same sentence
The first and second sentences don't flow and mesh with the everything else. Why is she "reminded" that someone will hurt her? Is it a gut-feeling? Why does she think she will never recover?
" A faceless presence looms before my eyes and casts its dark shadow on my every thought, motion, interaction. I cannot forget. " Again, loving the sensory description, and the short statement sentence to end the paragraph. :D
"At first, I still went to work every day, met the same friends in the evenings, visited the family on weekends. But it wasn’t the same." These sentences just seem awkward to me... the idea needs to be there, but try rephrasing them, and maybe expanding a little on the paragraph.
I think an introductory sentence for Jay could be good. At first, I did not know whether he was the brother, the boyfriend, the husband... (I realised later that he couldn't be the brother) .. though maybe just a brief explanation
7th PARA: "I left out the fact that I cried in the bathroom for twenty minutes after. " --> over the dream? why?
8th PARA: "There is no way he can hurt me now, for we do not talk anymore. " --> I think this would be more powerful if you finished the sentence with "there is no way he can hurt me now" (it seems more powerful ending with the "doing" part of the sentence rather than the "explanation" part) I like the repetition :)
11th PARA: "...decided to dress up! And then..." --> and is redundant
How does Lara feel through this scene? Try adding a sentence about some little aspect of Tanya... maybe how her eyes traced over the pictures, or how she fidgeted with the pages of her book??
13th PARA: "The girl who prided herself in always telling her family the truth, is suddenly fluent in the language of lies." --> This sentence seems awkward. Rephrase?
"... with no one my own journal." --> typo? I don't understand?
"...for the same dream that I dream every night" --> "... for the same dream I dream each night"??
"...dream every night, wait to be pushed off the edge" --> comma use?? "... dream every night; I wait to be pushed off the edge"
"... by that closest" --> "... by the closest"
Sorry if this seems like a lot of corrections! Most are just little things regarding wordiness... I really enjoyed this story, and actually found it a little daunting to think that this girl was trapped by her own mind... I loved the concept and the fact that you have given the central character other human interactions... I feel this further enhances the feeling of being trapped... Good job!
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