First Impressions:
The clever Dragon Of Neverbrook is a cute story about a very nervous dragon named Cinders and a very brave dragon named Seraphina. These two dragons put on a display for Neverbrook that will be long remembered in the kingdom. Their opposite personalities complement each other well and help to tell a wonderful story about overcoming fear and other people (or character’s) perceptions and expectations.
The story highlights the dragon’s own misconceptions of the way the world is and tells how they overcame those errors in judgment to make their world a happier place. Although Seraphina was surprised by Cinder she found a way to prove she was brave. Her plan worked better than she had hoped. At the same time Cinder overcame his fear of upsetting the order of the kingdom to show off his fire breathing skills in a great display. They both showed a willingness to help the other and to change their own behavior.
What I liked:
The vivid descriptions of the fireworks-like display is both entertaining and fun. It is easy to imagine the dragons flying through the air with great skill; Seraphina doing great acrobatic feats and Cinder lighting up the sky around her with great color. This is what I feel the story needs more of. The dragons are in a mock battle but the people love it because of their talents. The plan was to trick the people to show Seraphina’s bravery but instead they both showcased their talents for all to see causing the people to cheer and applaud.
This story draws the reader in and allows for them to cheer for both dragons in the mock battle created for the people. The conflict Cinder feels about the battle is clear in his statements. And his choice to follow through with the mock battle shows his desire to overcome his fears. What a great way to show children that although something might be scary it is worth it to try to overcome obstacles in life. This is a story with great lessons to teach. The potential to make this into a children’s book with wonderful illustrations is very real.
It seems that it is written for children and has a simple language that children could easily understand. The dialog flows nicely and the picture I was able to paint in my mind was vivid. The simple language would be good for elementary aged children who enjoy fantasy stories. The characters are relatable and would be easily liked by children and adults alike who chose to read this story. What a great portrayal of two very different dragons coming together.
Questions/Final Thoughts:.
In the beginning of the story there is a reference to the kingdom of Neverbrook, in the second paragraph you say “Just east of Neverbrook there lived another dragon Princess Seraphina”: I imagined that these were two separate kingdoms but in the rest of the story it seemed that both dragons lived in the same kingdom and that their performance was stages before that kingdom. You need to define if princess seraphina is from the kingdom of Nevebrook, an outlying remote area of the kingdom, or another kingdom altogether. This would help with the flow of the story.
Also, where you refer to the kingdom of Neverbrook being upside down? At the beginning you say “where up was sometimes down and down was sometimes up'' and at the end you say “even in a world turned upside down there is room for a little more upside-down-ness” There seems to be no other reference to the upside downness of this world. I feel that this is a fun concept and I assume that the nervous dragon was part of the upsidedown ness but the rest of the story did not seem upside down at all. This would be a great place to explore and expand the story. By adding more references to the upside downness it could add to the conflict as well as humor in the story in many ways. What a fun way to expand what is already hinted at.
The ending of this story seemed rushed like you were in a hurry to finish or you were working with a word limit and ran out of words. If you added more descriptions and extended the ending a little the story would feel more complete. Instead of just telling us that “Seraphina assured him it would be ok” what did she say or do to assure him? How does she feel when she hears his fears and how does she help him overcome them? When you say “the battleground was set” tell the readers what it looked and felt like. Was the battleground in the sky or were there marks on the ground showing where the dragons would battle? Were there poles high in the air delineating the boundaries of the battlegrounds? Are they held there by magic or is there another way they are there?
Although I thoroughly enjoyed this story I would like to see more descriptive details. Although this could be accomplished with illustrations this story could benefit from slightly more detail. Also, at the end of the story there is a mention of more upside-down-ness. It would help the story to show some of the crazy clever ideas that the dragons have to make the world a more colorful place. I am sure there are more stories to be told by these two crafty dragons.
I generally do not review poetry as I am not familiar with the different types of poems and most are just annoying for me to read. I know I suck lol. However I found your piece to flow nicely. The imagery was done in a way that made it easy for me to relate to. I loved the thought of Blooming in winter ~ don't know why.
There seemed to be no conclusion to this piece. You said that it was a coversation between the you and your father before he passed but then no mention of it in the piece.
This is a great start to a children's story. I know it's hard to accomplish what you would like with the DFF word limit but this is a cute story with strong beginning, an ok middle, and a ok ending. This has a nice voice and with a little work could be a strong children's story.
This piece seems to be a lot of thoughts about what you want to write. Somtimes this stage is very important in building a powerful story. I am not sure I can tell you what this story will be about with the notes you have here so far. Things to include may be ~ what period is this girl in middle school? At the begining the voice sounded like it might be a pioneer story, but later in the piece I can picture a middle school from the 80's. This was very interesting thanks for sharing.
I loved the twist to your story. Some con artist! I laughed at the end. You created just enough detail to give the impression of a rare and beautiful flower but yet it was all a hoax. Hal must be a master con artist who has evaded detection by having a con faar removed from society. Great writing :) If you were to further this story some questions you could answer would be: How does Hal keep scientist from wanting to study this flower he is protecting with armed gaurds? How does one book a viewing and come to be at the cave? Does he advertise or is it all done by word of mouth? I would love to see more.
Very interesting this would make your son the same age as my daughter. I qm curious how the years of conflict affected him. did he weather it well, did he rebel against one or the other parent. Great job in describing what happened early on but I am curious as to the boy he grew into. Write on!
I was intrigued by your story. Your descriptive writing made it easy for me to imaginge the freezing cold blizzard and the people trying to skate in it. I am from Wyoming and the need to breathe through a scarf so your nose hairs don't freeze is common to me. Great imagry. :)
I would have liked to see the development of why the contest was so important to trinkie and his da. We know that it is or was important to him but why? Just food for thought.
Write on!
I was looking for something to do and wandered aimlessly through this site. I decided to do a random review and I hit your poem. I absolutely love it! I usually don't review poetry because I don't know very much about it and my comments are nothing more than my impression, but your piece was unique in the shape and it caught my attention.
Next the simple words say so much when we are all dealing with the white beautiful stuff on such a regular basis. I have been playing with the idea of a children's book about snow. Your poem says almost everything, I would like my book to portray. (with pictures of course LOL). Snow is fun and beautiful and children love it. But as it melts we are so thankful that it is gone.
Great read. Thank You
I love this piece. It reads like a children's book. I can see the pictures and I love how the grandpa teaches, listenes, and sings. I love the descriptions of how the water feels and how you feel as gramdpa praises and plays with you. This is yet another example of write what you know! It will always be good.
I have been playing with alphabet books. This was very hard for me to read because of the overload of words used for each letter. As a teacher this would be a challenge to present to young children.
I like the action of your characters and I could picture the duck in a dress, and a rinocerous on roller skates.
I would really look at consistancy. In an alpabet book the names of the character should either begin with that letter or not. You have a variation of ways. I was reading along expecting the yetti to be named yolanda and for her to yanking yarrow; but instead the yetti is named wyatt and he is yanking dandilions? So very confusing. Because i have been playing with alphabet books I know how challenging this can be.
Also, I feel that "Buzz the Zesty Zebra" Reads better than "A Zesty Zebra Named Buzz"
Look at your audience. Are you writing this for six year olds, four year olds, or older children? Do you want yoru reader to be able to read if by themselves? Or is it to be read to them. Look at your word choice and make sure that they will understand your terms and be able it read them if that is your goat. A four year old may not know what a zenith is. You want to give them the chance to feel successful when they read your book. An alphabet book is a learning tool, they will only learn from it if they connect to it.
If you get to the publishing stage look me up :) I love alpahbet books.
The drama of this piece kept my interest, however I don't know who R Kelly is and the way you describe the music I imagined the girl being obscene until I read on. Maybey that is what you were going for but it was quite a jump from that image to a crying girl in the passenger seat. Despite that I liked this scene. :)
Oh I like this. At first I thought it was going to be a boring religious piece, but the shift in the mood and setting of the story was a great relief. There were a few places that the text didn't flow very well but it was overshadowed by the drama in the piece. I liked it :)
OH WOW ! I was rivited to my computer screen. I like the suspense in your story. What if you added hints of what happened to them. Like Blood or marks in the dust of the fun house that the police were able to findin the daylight. What if the police or rescue crew heard or saw something in the fun house that supported your view of what happened? This might help readers like me who don't like endings that leave you hanging without coming out and saying it. Just a thought. Write on!
Oh what a riveting scene. I so want to read the rest of this. I loved how your story made me want more. I would have loved to read the beginging of the story, or is this the beginging and your will flash back? I would like to see the sceen set with why do the bad guys want the land? Why wont they sell?? Is a piece of land the family has owned for generations? Is it a piece of land they scrimped and saved to buy? Is it for mere principal?? I can't wait to see where this story goes from here. Write on!!
HMM Is he crazy?? LOL I think this story is riveting and I love how you left the ending hanging. I didn't want to stopt reading until I knew what the sound was. I was disapointed that it wasn't the dishwasher, and even more disapointing that you never revelaed what the culprit was; be it his mind or some belonging he possesed, but I liked it anyway.
Very interesting. I love the comparison between the person and the glass doll. The brokenness inside being compared to the shattered doll would be more powerful to me if the shattered doll were somehow repaired on the outside like the person she represents. Shattered but yet patched back together.
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