This seems a bit short to be a chapter, but it is interesting enough to be continued. It has great potential, and I can see it becoming a great young adult novel. There are, however, a couple of things that need to be changed or looked into.
"I have seen YOU'RE Future as well, Tornack!"
Here, you're needs to be changed to your. The old man is not seeing into "you are" future. He's seeing into your future. Furthermore, future does not need to be capitalized, which brings me to my next critique.
Throughout the chapter, you capitalize words that do not need to be capitalized, such as "Pure," "Heart," "Strength," "Escape," and "Raced." The only words that need to be capitalized are names of people and places, and words at the beginning of a sentence. Places such as "Mountains" and "Forrest" do not need to be capitalized (also, Forrest is misspelled). The only instance in which they would need to be capitalized is if the mountains and forest have a name, such as "The Lonely Mountain" or "The Forest of Wonders."
"Tornack looked..."
There's a few times in the story where you say Tornack looked confused, befuddled, or shocked. Instead of just telling us what he looked like, tell us how he acted upon that confusion. Perhaps he scratched his head when he was confused, or his jaw dropped when he became shocked. Tell us about his body language so that we get a mental picture of him. Also, instead of repeating "Tornack looked" over and over again, you could use sentences such as "Confusion stained his face" or "A look of confusion washed over his features."
There's a lot of places in the story where punctuation isn't used correctly, such as periods being unused in places they're needed or commas being used where periods are needed. There's too many for me to list, so I suggest that you take a look over the story yourself.
Overall, it's an interesting piece that just needs some work done to it. This, and the previous chapter, both seem like unfinished drafts rather that finished chapters, but I know that with a little bit of work they will turn into something great. |
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "