If this story were told as a narrative with details provided that were focused on the senses it may have stirred up some past experiences when I, as a reader, had been in a violent storm. I grew up in Oklahoma and endured a tornado that wrecked nearby houses but left our home in tact. It feels awkward to be told what I think and know as a reader so it may be best to avoid the use of "you" in the story. I believe if you make these adjustments, placing yourself as the character it would draw me in to what is happening to you and make me feel as if I am there if you give some sensory description. This can be a great story. Really extend your writing. I will give you what is called a question flood to see if you can expand on your story a bit.
Where is the story taking place? What feelings do you have as you watch what is going on around you? Has your character ever experienced it before? What kind of storm is it? The eye of a tornado is quite different than the eye of a hurricane. What do you see, feel, hear, and smell?
Keep up the writing! Editing, answering the questions I have, and revising will likely improve rating on the tale.
I like the twist in this story. As a reader I can't say that I have any questions that need answering for this one. I would suggest either rewording or removing the statement "What exactly caused people to think the way they did or react the way they do? Is she guilty of this moral apprehension?" Other than this statement and making sure you are careful with tense. In this sentence, "Cassie stood up disgusted and looked at Cain, fury raging in her eyes but fear and common sense overcoming her..." What stood out to me was "Cassie stood" and "disgusted" are past tense, then "fury raging" and "common sense overcoming" are present tense. To remain consistent, "fury raged in her eyes" and "common sense overcame her" is suggested. Overall, a good story for the first draft. A little tweaking and it will be solid. Keep it up!
I am a teacher and I have been using a method known as Question Flooding with students who write in my classroom. This method helps to point out where a reader may need more information or suggest where to add more detail in your writing.
How did Sandy understand Harris's situation? Did she suffer from similar fixations or desires? What are characteristics of Harris that could draw Sandy's romantic attention. In other words, what are some intrinsic qualities of Harris that attracted her or could she see the true Harris through his obesity? If Sandy is a killer, why did she spare Harris? Was the meat on the platter actually the meat Harris thought it was or was it people's initials and the meat was from their bodies? How does Harris make the connection between the murders and Sandy?
Hopefully these questions can assist in extending your writing and filling in any gaps with more detail for the reader. I am a fan of horror or scary stories so I look forward to seeing you develop this more and adding some intensity. I can appreciate the concept of him finding the woman of his dreams to only discover she is a killer. It made me think of "So I Married An Ax Murderer."
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