Hi James,
First, I just want to explain quickly the way in which I make reviews:
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{Sect I} - Up to 1 star awarded for grammar and the like.
* 0 : A ton of grammar issues that distract heavily from the content - unreadable
* 0.5 : Grammar issues are present, but not overpowering
* 1 : Almost no grammar issues, or no grammar issues
{Sect II} - Up to 1 star awarded for style.
* 0 : Very poorly written, nothing that distinguishes this piece
* 0.5 : The author's style is apparent, but not yet fully developed
* 1 : Very unique style, or very well developed style of writing
{Sect III} - Up to 1 star awarded for creativity.
* 0 : Overused concept that is done again and again with no original spin to it
* 0.5 : Used idea, but with a slightly novel take or twist. Nice idea!
* 1 : Novel idea or extremely novel twist to used idea. Excellent idea!
{Sect IV} - Up to 2 stars awarded for content/story.
* 0 : Almost no story/content - everything is disjointed
* 0.5 : There almost seems to be some content, though still disjointed
* 1 : Content is clearly present, but missing a lot of elements
* 1.5 : Content is clearly present, and only a few elements are missing
* 2 : Content is clearly present, and nothing is essentially missing. Excellent piece!
{Sect V} - Final Thoughts, Advice, Total Scoring.
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This is a review of: Ch 2 - Children of Tegalupa
 Sect I - Grammar -- / 
The grammar section will follow the format:
-------------------------------------------
italicized --> Your words
red-font --> suggestion/fix/change
bolded --> commentary
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Black turns to gray, then bleaches under the growing heat of the sun
Missing a comma here. Or alternatively can reword the phrase to not need the comma.
Eventually, new islands will form.
Missing a comma here.
The game is quite slow, but the land seems to be winning.
Missing a comma here.
It is a crooked thing, marking what is and what might be.
Missing comma. Not too sure about this line. Might want to rework this.
Along their grey arms, white flowers bloom in tight bunches.
Missing a comma here.
The red highlights upon their blue wings give praise to life.
Blue wings? Of the white flowers? Or do you mean the hummingbirds? It's very unclear.
Below the trees, the land is in shadow.
Missing a comma.
Within these shadows, there is a path.
Missing a comma.
Cobbles fill the center of the rustic road, allowing horses to gain footing along a basic lin
Missing a comma.
Dark planks of wood fill the sides of the path. The planks manage to keep much of the road from washing away.
Dark planks of wood, which fill the sides of the path, keep much of the road from washing away.
Better to have as a single sentence rather than 2 small broken chunks. Feel free to reword/rephrase it though - just an example/suggestion.
A current of water flows along the edges of the path. It is the receding current of the recent rain.
A slowly receding current, a remnant of the recent storm, trickles along the edges of the path.
Again, better have 1 sentence than 2 redundant ones - always avoid using 'it' when possible. It's a lazy word when much better ones could be used.
The small rivers race down the hill following the curves in the path. The shushing whisper trickles, bubbles, and pops.
The small rivers race down the hill, trickling softly as it hugged the curvy path.
The second phrase was a little odd. Plus, the two could easily become one nice phrase. Again, just an example - rewrite it as you will.
Twelve in total, they move as a one.
Missing a comma.
They jump and skip while kicking what must be a crushed can. It is colored in blue and laced with white.
Jumping and skipping merrily, the kids kick what seems to be a crushed blue can.
Combine these two phrases - work better as one.
Excitement fills their chatter. Curious is their tone.
Kind of an odd phrasing here - may want to rework this.
Not with his hands, but with his feet.
Missing a comma here. Furthermore, if you wanted to, this would also work well as one sentence.
Quickly, he begins bouncing the metal thing on his knees.
Missing a comma here.
The action is easy to describe, but far more difficult to perform.
Missing a comma here.
...e curious beast swings by prehensile tail.
I don't understand what you mean here.
... monkey quickly scrabbles scrambles away ...
Wrong word here.
invecting his own high pitched victory yell.
Invecting? That is not a word. What do you mean?
If you ask us nicely, we might teach you.
Missing a comma here.
Silly monkey, give us back our toy!”
Missing a comma here.
es the small earth things.
Do you mean the children? This is a very odd way to call them.
...s much longer than seems sane appropriate? merited?....
Wrong word choice here. Listed a few suggestions.
Abruptly, the warring ends.
Missing a comma here.
Silly clicks and whistles still.
What do you mean here?
The older boys nods at the giggling group
The louder the boy calls, the more frantically the birds roll their heads and bounce in the tree.
Missing a comma.
Angst builds within the flock. It erupts in chatter that is seriously annoyed.
May want to rephrase the second phrase. Sounds odd.
t in a wave of blues and rainbow colored flickers.
Then the colorful birds plummet downwards brushing the tops of trees
Unlike the monkeys, the birds provide rewards. Re
Missing a comma here.
n their red golden treats.
n their golden-red treats.
They stretch out long comfortably and take short naps.
Each little boy tosses one piece to the tormenter of birds.
tormenter of birds? May want to rephrase this.
The culprit is too much sugar mixed with fatigue. Disgruntled as the two boys are they are still natural brothers.
Very odd rewording. I highly suggest rewriting these two phrases carefully.
After a few moments, the argument disappears.
Missing a comma.
Now that the troop is rested, they embark once more upon their trek.
Missing a comma.
Sect II - Style /
The story is written in a very whimsical style. This chapter stands in heavy contrast with the very dark, action packed story in the previous chapter. There is so much innocence being portrayed here.
Sect III - Creativity /
Reminds me a tad of Lord of the Flies, but much more whimsical. I like the concept, though I don't know yet how it will tie together with the first chapter of the story. I look forward to finding out.
Sect IV - Content /
The chapter was filled with much description. There was also a soft climax - the monkey encounter - and another - the bird encounter. There was no moment that makes you sit at the edge of the keyboard, but then again, this isn't always needed. Well written, innocent story. Other than setting the stage though, I can't figure out any other meaning/purpose this story would have.
Sect V - Final Notes/Thoughts 3.5/5
Well written story, though with significantly more errors grammar-wise than the previous chapter. Also has less impact than the previous chapter, though the very innocent, happy-go-lucky air is also nice. I liked this chapter, though the grammar issues made some parts difficult to read/understand. Still look forward to reading the next chapter though - good work!
Best regards,
Kevin |
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