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11 Public Reviews Given
13 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by KHoisington Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ah, so the past is revealed! Elizabeth has a little more flesh to her, just by having Nicholas speak of her as he did. I can see her haughty attitude and how stuck up she is just by Nick explaining how she still let's herself in, etc. I am thoroughly intrigued by Elizabeth! *cackles*

Overall, great chapter! Please don't think I am changing everything. These are just suggestions, just like the other chapters I couldn't help but edit! :D

If we both run at top speed, we will be almost invisible(,)" he explained.

I (couldn't) grasp moving that fast.

[This should be a new paragraph.] Before I had time to even think about where he had gone, he was back.
His body looked abnormally large under his light jacket, but I couldn't think about that for long. I finally noticed his body(.) (H)ow everything that had happened today deterred me from staring at his perfection, I still couldn't be sure of. He was wearing light blue jeans that fit him perfectly, and black shoes. Although I knew there was something in his jacket that was making his chest look bulky, I could still see the size of his arms. His arms. I remembered what it had felt like to have them wrapped around me.

I hadn't even needed (the) prompting.

After having devoured (three) more pouches, I still could have drunk more, but I found I didn't really want to. [As a rule of thumb, things under ten are usually spelled out. :) ]

Then I felt soft pressure on the top of my head(.)

It (was) so hard for me to keep track of time when he (was) kissing me like this.

Then a question popped into my mind, something I hadn't thought about yet. ( Can we sleep? )

[New paragraph.] "Yes we can sleep, but we can never be physically tired..."

[New paragraph.] Then he began again(.) "When I was a human, I didn't think much of dreams..."

"...That was all I could hope for out of that life. [No need for end quotes as he is still speaking.]

[New paragraph.] "At the pub, I easily became intoxicated...I left the pub, and began my walk back. [No need for end quotes as he is still speaking.]

[New paragraph.] "It was late April, and the weather was chilly at night, but in England, it always feels that way..."

"...She looked up at me and smiled. 'I have been watching you for some time now, Nicholas,' she said, 'and I really don't think I have the patience to wait anymore.(') (S)he took a step closer to me..."

[New paragraph.] He paused to give me an apologetic smile before he continued(.) "But for some reason I took a step back from her advancements...However, I found myself rooted to the spot as she took another step closer to me. [No need for end quotes as he is still speaking.]

[New paragraph.] (")'Do not fear me, Nicholas. I never want you to fear me. We will be lovers soon, and you will share this life with me. I have been searching for a companion for a long time, and it seems that you will be it.' ..."

(E)ven though I thought I knew the answer to my question, I still needed to ask, to be sure.
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Review by KHoisington Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Oh! I am behind! I saw three more chapters added!

I also like that they have had their first mini-fight. I have a feeling they may be too good for each other, but then I think of what Elizabeth said earlier and it makes me wonder!

To the editing! :)

"I know you are probably still hungry but that’s all I have here at the moment. I only keep it around for extreme cases(;) it’s much better when it’s straight from the source."

"...It(')s almost dark now, (so/and) we should go take care of the scene and get it over with."

Instead of looking away like I always did(,) I held his stare.

I looked around me, remembering the attacker and how this alley had been the only witness to the crime committed against me. [<--This is a great discription. I love it!]

"..I wasn't spying(. or ;) I can’t help seeing what I see(,) or hearing what I hear..."

"I didn't take you for the type to make the first move. I figured I would have to work up to it myself. You saved me a lot of time and self-doubt. Thanks." (H)e grinned.

I didn't know what to think, so all I said was(,) "You're welcome."
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Review by KHoisington Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
The plot thickens! Who is this Elizabeth? I'm brimming with curiousity!

Your dialogue flows really well in this chapter, and makes this bit of plot move along smoothly.

But, I couldn't help it. Had to edit! :)

I turned to him suddenly(,) taking him by surprise.

He tightened his grip on my hand and forced me to look in his eyes(.)

"...I hope you aren't going anywhere anytime soon…" [No need for the comma after the three periods.] (H)e suddenly looked unsure of himself.

"Where would I go?" I asked, (since?) for the first time I really thought about my current situation.

"How could you tell I was hungry? I wasn't thinking about blood, I was thinking about--" [No need for the comma afer the dashes.]

As soon as the doors were closed, I looked up at Nicholas and said(,) "Danley?"

What a stupid question(.)

She wore it loose, (and) so would I if my hair looked like that.

"What are you doing here Elizabeth?" Nicholas asked(,) the annoyance thick in his voice.

Since when do I need an excuse to see your handsome face(,) dear Nicholas?" (s)he asked. Her voice(,) although sweet, sounded irritated as well.

"Charlie? Well I suppose the name is fitting," (s)he sneered as she shot me daggers (with her eyes?) from where she stood. [Otherwise, this implies that she litterally shot daggers at Charlie.]

"Now is not the time Elizabeth. Please just go," (he said, as) his voice was steadily growing angrier.

I heard Nicholas groan from beside me(.)

He turned to me(.) "I need you to cut yourself and bleed into this container. I will tell you when to stop(,)" he added.

I looked at him in horror(.)

He smiled a little. "No, it might sting for a second, but you're technically dead now, not much can hurt you. If a human tried to cut you, he would never be able to do it. Your skin is too hard. Only the strength of a vampire would be enough to make the knife pierce your skin." [I love this little twist on vampirism!]

"Not only is it really hard for something to pierce our skin, but if it does, our bodies heal at an incredible rate, and there is never any scarring,” (h)e explained.

"Yes, you are correct(.)" (H)e smiled at me(.)
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Review by KHoisington Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
As usual, this is a fantastic piece! I love how Charlie is developing! And Nicholas seems like the ulimate dream guy...right now. I suspect something dastardly will come from him in the future.

The only things I saw with this chapter were a few lost commas, a couple of periods, and maybe one semi-colon, but nothing too big, and nothing too hard to fix and manage.

Love the work! Darn the person who only gave you three stars!

"Charlie? What’s wrong(,) why are you crying?"

"...One minute I was walking with you(,) and the next I was at my funeral(;) and all my friends and family were there crying and..."

"Shh(,) Charlie(,) shh."

I pulled away(.) "How can you say that? ...I don't want to hurt them(,) Nicholas," I pleaded.

I thought about it for a minute. Of course he had a point; it seemed he always had a point(.)

"I know you do(,)" he replied with a small smile(.)

"No, never. Is that weird?" I asked(,) worried now.

"Oh," I said(.)
5
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Review by KHoisington Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
You weave great imagery with only subtle amounts of description. I was able to picture everything, because how well the chapter flows. The pace is great, and like the Preface, very engaging. You have a new fan in me!
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Review by KHoisington Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow, it cuts to the point. Short, simple, but very engaging. I'm curious to see how the rest of the story turns out, and who this mysterious assailant is. Good work!
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