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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kiki
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13 Public Reviews Given
62 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by poetasylumn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Khalish,

I love the meter and elements of rhyme that you have in this piece. The rhyming is not constant, which to me is a plus to this poem. Reading the rhyme and then reading the follwing line that is not rhymed, throws the reader a little off balance. But also, in doing non-rhyme, it makes them think more about what the line actually is trying to convey, rather than its format. So you have mastered that element of poetry, I commend you. I also love the the acrostic form. I've seen very few poets willing to do this. This form is a lot easier said than done, you could say.

I find your first and second stanzas the strongest in this poem.

So what if the days are dark,
How does it matter to me;
Ever shall my love sustain,
Retraction is not for me.

Love happens only but once,
Only once is heart aflame.
Cry in love, why should not I?
Know not thou what is this pain.

The second stanza evokes what you are trying to say. And the off beats of rhyme and then returning to meter sets this up nicely.

Although, I find your last two lines weaker than that rest of the poem. I would try and strenghten them. It seems as if you wrote these strong stanzas, and then the poem just kind of weakens and tapers off. Also the repetition of the word "you," adds to this weakness. So, play around with that.

Overall, this is great piece. There are a couple punctuation things to look over. Although, I am not punctuation expert. I think in poetry you use the punctuation to your advantage, not exactly what is grammically correct. I think you can bend the rules a little. Perhaps, you may want the reader of your poem to pause somewhere because you feel it adds to the poem. It may not be grammically correct, but it may work for the better of the piece. Emily Dickinson does this frequently in her poetry. See, even the classic poets can bend the rules. And her poetry is contemporary, so I think it is safe to stretch the limits of grammar in poetry.

But if you disagree with any of that, then talk to some people who are grammar junkies and have them look your piece over to be certain about your punctuation.

Other than that, this is wonderful. There are plently of shining moments in this poem. I truly enjoyed it, and it is one of the few pieces on this site that I have read where the author takes advantage of rhyme and meter, as well as free-verse within the same piece.

I enjoyed this a lot!

Take care,
*~*poetasylumn*~*
2
2
Review by poetasylumn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a very good article that tries to make non-Muslims more aware of the religion of Islam. There are many things in this article that I was not aware of, and I am more open-minded and appreciative of your religion by having read this wonderful piece. This is great, may you be blessed by the allah you love so dearly.

Take care,
poetasylumn
3
3
Review by poetasylumn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a very interesting story. There are a lot of sub-plots that I can see going on and developing, just within this first chapter. You have some nice narrative that is great at gettig the point across, and at times it gets poetic in images. You allow the reader to play it all out in there mind, and that is a good thing.

I must say, for a first attempt, this is wonderful.

There are just a few things that I would like to bring to your attention.

In your second paragraph ("grouping" is probably more approapriate, a paragraph is 5 or more sentences,) this whole thing is a run-on sentence. There are some other times within this piece that the "run-on" occurs.

Here is the "grouping":

Followed this came the jugglers, effortlessly keeping clubs and balls in the air, lion trainers cracking their whips at the large roaring cats in the big red trailer, acrobats in their leotards and flowing capes, showgirls in their colorful and revealing costumes.

Here is how you can revise this:

Followed this came the jugglers, effortlessly keeping clubs and balls in the air. Behind them, lion trainers cracked their whips at the roaring beasts. Acrobats were noticable in their leotards and capes. Barely unnoticable were the showgirls in revealing sotumes.

--Now revised, this is 4 sentences...much closer to a paragraph.

There are some other places within this piece that the reader needs to catch a breath of air. Run-ons can make the reader forget your images. But if you punctuate and make them stop and pause, they will fully comprehend what you are reading. *Wink*

A nice start to what I hope will be a great story. You can toss the nits or use them. After all, you're the author!

Thanks for sharing, I enjoyed this.

Take care,
*~*poetasylumn*~*

--REVIEW GIVEN ON BEHALF OF THE REPAIR SHOP. IF YOU HAVE ANY COMMENTS OR CONCERNS ABOUT THIS REVIEW, PLEASE CONTACT ME.

kiki@writing.com
4
4
Review of Force of Nature  Open in new Window.
Review by poetasylumn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
The format of this poem and how you use it is very effective. It is all very overwhelming and striking. One thing though, each stanza has a certain color, and I found it a little distracting. Perhaps, stick to one color for the whole piece?

The words you use are sharp. Ex: Torching, scorching, tornado, drowning, downing, shattering, battering...these words all bring across your poem nicely and help the reader understand what you are trying to say about the 'force of nature.'

I really did enjoy this. It is all very straight-forward...if one likes in-your-face intensity...than this is the poem for you!

Great write...keep at it. ;)

Take care,
*~*poetasylumn*~*
5
5
Review of Fear  Open in new Window.
Review by poetasylumn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wenston,

I absolutely love Poe, so when I saw that you had described this as a Poe poem, I clicked with anticipation.

You write this very well, and you allow the reader to see what is happening. Your not directly telling them what to think, and you are narrative either. I found this to be a great piece. Although, one thing I didn't like about it so much is that it seemed that you were stretching to get a rhyme through out most of this poem. Granted, Poe's poetry is rhyme-schemed, but it is not so obvious to the reader.

Try changing it up a little. Don't stretch so much for the rhymes, let them come out easily and unexpectantly.

Other than that, I thought this was a great poem. I hope to read more by you!

Take care,
*~*poetasylumn*~*
6
6
Review of Rain Tapping  Open in new Window.
Review by poetasylumn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is very short and sweet. But some of the greatest poems in english literature are short and sweet. ;)This is a nice piece. You offer some nice images and it all runs together very well. You paint a beautiful scene with your words...describing rain so eloquently. This was great to read and was in a sense inspirational. ;) Keep up the great work! I hope to read more by you!

Take care,
*~*poetasylumn*~*
7
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Review by poetasylumn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Nice poem you have here! There are some great things going on...and I love how you use the wording so well in describing the voice parts. Ah, but isn't that how it goes? The baritone's go low and they get praise...the soprano's go all operatic and they glorified as well. Ahh...I know it all too well. I find myself laughing at your poem because you tell it so well! I am myself a soprano...but I can hit those Alto II notes. If you ask me, I like singing them better...much more richness to the voice. Ahh, if the only the Alto II got the praises they deserve...

This is a great piece of poetry and I find my myself relating to it. Some fond memories I saw while reading this one. Great job, keep on singing...and writing!

Take care,
*~*poetasylumn*~*

p.s.-For all your troubles take some gps. ;)
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