\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kiwiangel
Review Requests: OFF
474 Public Reviews Given
2,621 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
Previous ... -1- 2 3 4 5 6 7 ... Next
1
1
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon


         My Reaction

A topical and relevant message delivered in poetic verse. The rhythm is lovely and though some of the rhymes are mismatched, others were well executed. The first verse is a lovely example of excellent rhyme and rhythm.

         Constructive Comments

These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.

*Gift2* I am sure you are aware of which rhymes do not match, but here are my suggestions as to possible fixes:

         *Bullet* flowers/power - revealing her powers (nature, after all, has many facets)

         *Bullet* beauty/trees - this is the most glaring one, and I have no suggestions. I think the verse needs reowrding to achieve the desired effect

         *Bullet* wonders/hunger - I think a slight rewording to give 'wonder' provides far more options to get the rhyme (asunder, thunder, under, plunder...)

         *Bullet* eye/terracide - I kind of like the extra emotion created from this: A single tear begins a tide *Wink*

*Gift2* The first two lines of the 3rd verse read as a fragment. I believe the end of the 2nd verse should be a - or : to connect the ideas. I believe this is also needed between the 2nd and 3rd lines of verse 4.

*Gift2* In verse 5, the ends of the question are lines 2 and 4, not 1 and 3. the questions marks need to be repositioned.

         Overall Comments

A lovely poem. Rhymes are great when done well, but imperfect rhymes tend to become more obvious when there are good rhymes beside them. Sometimes it is better to eliminate the rhyme scheme to enable the words to be said that you really want to say. It can be unnecessarily limiting. I do think your rhymes are achievable with a little bit of work.

Good job.

Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

2
2
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon


         My Reaction

I like the idea of the "Storm" and the creatures. I definitely want to read on and see what these things end up being. *Wink*

         Constructive Comments

These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.

Plot

*Star* In a few spots there is a tendency to give information twice. eg. "nodded approval that this tree would be suitable for their purposes" - if he nods approval, this tells the reader it is appropriate for firewood, and do not need the added "tree would be suitable for their purposes"

Another example: "The three darted off in three different directions" - it is enough to say different directions

*Star* "Are you kidding?" asked Kaye. "Today's been so exciting!" - this contradicts her earlier statement about getting bored.

*Star* I think a new chapter should begin where Strell starts the new day.

Characters

*Star* "Strell’s mother’s face became" - Name the characters. *Wink* This sentence would read much clearer as "Susan's face" or "Mrs Andrew's face"

*Star* It should not be necessary to include a dialogue tag after every speech. Each characters 'voice' should help distinguish between speakers. The way they pronounce words, the type of words they use, the phrasing can al be used to provide each person with an individual identity.

*Star* The characters are coming along nicely, but I would like to see some more emotion from them. For example, when Strell is attacked by the wolf he seems able to talk to it without effort. I would expect him to be panting from the exertion, maybe the sound of the air rushing past his ears added to the low growls of the wolf terrified him. It seems quite calm and reasonable that he fended off the wolf's teeth with his hands. I think it is more likely that in desperation he threw his hands int eh air, clashing knuckles against bared white teeth, and hot, carrion-rich breath made him feel as if he couldn't breathe.

Bring the reader into the scene by giving more life and emotion to the characters. This also involves some deeper description, which also helps make the action more tangible.

Grammar, Spelling & Punctuation

*Star* "patience, Your your Highness"

Other (incl., but not limited to: word choice, repetition, passive/active, tense, etc)

*Star* "they had a four-room" - avoid passive phrasing. "had" is a non-descriptive word, which can often be omitted or replaced with a stronger image. eg. they owned a

*Star* "house in which the four of them lived, a barn to the right of the house in which they kept their livestock, and a field in front of their house in which they planted their crops" - be wary of repetition. This becomes grating for the reader. It can be varied to add interest - house where they all lived, a barn..in which they kept...field in front where their crops grew.

*Star* "to get back to his friends so they could get back to being" - repetitive

*Star* "knew that the wolf was there" - like 'had', "that" is a word often overused. Most times it can be left out and the sentence will still make perfect sense. Other times, it can be substituted by a word that gives a more defined image. For both had and that, read the sentence without it and see if it still makes sense. If it does, leave the word out.

*Star* "foot made the most unlucky decision of getting snagged" - a nice attempt to create an interesting image, but is humour the angle you're going for here? This is the affect of this segment - to make the reader laugh, because a foot canot think. *Wink*.

*Star* I could not see any importance in knowing where everyone was seated at the table for dinner. Avoid cluttering the story's progression with unnecessary details.

*Star* A person's actions and their words should appear on the same line.
eg. Strell shook his head.

"Certainly, none from me!"

Nell acted likewise.

"Potato salad is fine by me."

Strell's father followed suit.

"It looks wonderful, dear."

should be:

Strell shook his head. "Certainly, none from me!"

Nell acted likewise. "Potato salad is fine by me."

Strell's father followed suit. "It looks wonderful, dear."

I would also change the order/format a little so it does not read so regimented.

         Overall Comments

You give some lovely descriptions of the forest. I enjoyed them, but there were several similar mentions and the repetition detracts form their appeal. I also enjoyed the poem at the end. Its meaning is deliberately oblique and sets up for a wonderful continuation of the story. The rhyme is effective. *Smile*

A good beginning. It does need some work to cut out irrelevant details and streamline scenes, but there is lots of good solid stuff here to build upon and make it an excellent story.

Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

3
3
Review of Dreams Gone By  Open in new Window.
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon


         My Reaction

A tender, beautiful story. You have conveyed the emotion of Angel so very well. I totally believed the scene, and her reactions felt very real.

There are a few passive tendencies throughout, which are discussed below. In some places I also thought the phrasing could be tightened by eliminating excess words.

         Constructive Comments

These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.

Plot

*Star* Nicely thought out. A natural flow of events and no unanswered questions.

Characters

*Star* Very good development of Angel. Even the small amount we see of the boyfriend is believable.

Other (incl., but not limited to: word choice, repetition, passive/active, tense, etc)

*Star* "reality of her future began to sink in. into her"

*Star* "She had run ran away soon"
"boyfriend had done did to her"
- some of your 'had's are used well, but avoid unnecessary ones. Look for stronger ways of phrasing the sentence, as often there is a better, more descriptive option.

*Star* "Panic began to fill Angel with apprehension" - using words such as 'began' tend to delay the action of a scene. Consider the difference to: Panic filled Angel with apprehension... It is more decisive, and therefore, a stronger mental image is created in the reader.

*Star* Another example: "body beginning to tremble with anxiety" - body trembling with anxiety

*Star* "He had has no idea his world was is about" - even though the scene is past tense, her thoughts would still be represented in present tense.

         Overall Comments

A very good story. Enjoyable and enthralling, I was hooked to the very last. Well done.

Write on!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

4
4
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
         My Reaction

This is a lovely little poem. You use some pretty images and the format is clean and fresh.

         Constructive Comments

These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.

Settings (genre, item type, rating, introduction, title, etc.)

*Gift2* You could add a third genre to this, to attract more results from people searching. Animal, Environment, or Inspirational could do the job. *Wink*

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling

*Gift2* Imperfect rhyme - strands/plans

*Gift2* "Lean petal to style" - This line does not seem to make sense. Are you meaning 'Lend petals to style'?

*Gift2* "Makes each one to pray"

         Overall Comments

I enjoyed the poem, and it made me smile. Lovely sentiment coupled with delightful scenes. Good job.

Write on!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

5
5
Review of While I'm Away  Open in new Window.
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
         My Reaction

A gentle poem that reflects the bittersweet problem of leaving home.

         Constructive Comments

These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.

Settings (genre, item type, rating, introduction, title, etc.)

*Gift2* Rather than "Other" as your third genre, why not choose a more specific one, such as Family, Relationship, or Experience?

Emotion

*Gift2* I got a good sense of the longing and sadness. *Smile* A lot of people will be able to identify with the two-way pull you describe.

Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling

*Gift2* "The miles separates separate us"

*Gift2* "star studded" - hyphenate these two words.

*Gift2* "lighting lightning bugs"

Mechanics

*Gift2* The third verse reads quite stilted with every line ending in a full stop. The lines would lend themselves quite easily to the softer, and more rhythmic connection of commas. You might need to flesh it out a little more, eg. 'and' inserted at the beginning of line 2, but this will give a more fluid rhythm to the verse.

         Conclusion

An endearing poem, which I think quite simply expresses the opposite emotions involved. Italics are normally inappropriate for a complete work, as they are harder to read, but in this case, I like the mood they added to the poem.

I enjoyed reading your work.

Write on!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

6
6
Review of Are You Bored?  Open in new Window.
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
A review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon


         My Reaction

I just had to come and check this out, given that the title posed a question. The answer to that question is 'no', but I was curious anyway. *Wink*

I was totally surprised by your ending. It brought everything to a meaningful and punchy end. *Smile*

         Constructive Comments

These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.

Grammar, Spelling & Punctuation

*Star* "People may do get" - either 'may' or 'do', not both

*Star* "business, or church"

*Star* "such as in work, ... church, among others" both of these phrases perform a similar function in the sentence - denoting the list as an example of areas. Remove one of the bolded phrases (I suggest the latter one).

*Star* "providing challenge or creativity into" - putting...into or providing...in

*Star* "singer long ago which who"

Other (incl., but not limited to: word choice, repetition, passive/active, tense, etc)

*Star* "Somewhere down the road" - this phrase sounds as if it is referring to the future, but the remainder of the sentence is past tense. A more appropriate phrasing may be - On life's road...

         Overall Comments

An interesting article.

Write on!
7
7
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
A review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon


         My Reaction

This is a very funny story. I can just imagine how stressed out the poor cat was. I've never thought about the side affects of magnetic collars - probably because I've never used one.

This has certainly brightened my day with a good laugh.

There are some formatting issues with it, but nothing that can't easily be fixed. Spending a little time addressing the things below will make the piece more enticing to read. It's such a cute story, I'd love others to have the same laughs I did. *Smile*

I love your title. It is witty and interesting.

         Constructive Comments

These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.

Format

*Star* Take out the line breaks that appear half way through sentences to give a more natural, readable flow.

Characters

*Star* I would love to know your cat's name. Using the name will help the reader feel closer to the subject, and give us some relationship with the poor creature. I suggest introducing it when s/he comes flying through the cat door, and then you can use the name instead of 'my cat' throughout the rest of it. The story will have a more personable sound to it.

*Star* "for rocky and his friends" - who is Rocky? and who are the friends? Are they the same species of animal, or different?

Grammar, Spelling & Punctuation

*Star* Each item of punctuation (full stops, commas, etc.) needs to have a space after them. Just scroll through your item on edit and hit the space bar after each piece of punctuation to clear it up nicely. *Smile*

*Star* A few spelling errors. Writing.com has a spell check facility. I would recommend using that, or even typing it up in a word procesing program first and then using that's program's spell checker.
I point out the ones I noticed for you:
- capitalise the "i"s eg. "i I bent down"
- "curseing cursing my"
- a homonym that will not be picked up on a spell checker: "gone to too far"
- "the raccons raccoons"
- "been temporaraly temporarily"

*Star* "housecomma now large"

*Star* "rocky Rocky and his friends"

*Star* "cats cat's neck" - but even better to use the cat's name here. *Wink* Same here : "tag on my cats neck"

*Star* "freed cat from" - either 'freed the cat from' or 'freed cat's name from"

*Star* "dead thingsfull stop"

         Overall Comments

A fun read. Paying attention to the small details will give your readers better ability to focus on the humourous aspect rather than the distracting errors. Give your story its best opportunity to share a smile. *Smile*

Write on!
8
8
Review of The End of Time  Open in new Window.
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hello, and welcome to Writing.com. It is so great to have you here. *Smile*

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~


*Reading* Now, about your item:

A very individual, creative story. It is unusual, but I like to see something that is unique.

In this story, you really take the reader outside of themselves. I found myself questioning what I would do in that situation, and it rather intrigued me. The mysteriousness of it was compelling.

These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.

*Star* "so, logically, he turned" - the logically feels very uncomfortable here. It is the narrator's voice intruding into the story. Avoid placing such interjections in a story. It has the effect of breaking the flow, and making the reader feel like they do not know something they should.

*Star* "The square had a small fence half his height enclosing it." - this sentence has a slightly passive feel to it. One of the contributors to this affect is the use of 'had'. Consider the difference of rephrasing: A small fence half his height enclosed the square.

*Star* Reading large passages of text on a computer screen can be very tiring and hard to follow for a reader. Many readers prefer to see blank lines between each paragraph. This aids comfort and readability.

*Star* "landed on the cobblestone"

*Star* "second person that has" - "that" is used for things, "which" for things or live beings, and "who" only for live beings. In this instance 'who' is a correct choice, "that" is incorrect.

*Star* "go wrongcomma but he volunteered"

*Star* "Finally, it was closer and closer" - this statement does not work. If it is final - then he would have arrived - somewhere. It can not be final and yet still continuing.

*Star* "the lightcomma mentally"

*Star* "The Doc says he would like you to come back.” The lamppost asked him" - this dialogue tag immediately follows a statement, not a question. The tag should either come straight after the question or be altered to something like '...advised him.'

In addition, the correct formatting for speech and dialogue tag would be : "says ... back," the lamppost said. - notice the comma and lower case t on 'the'

*Star* "backcomma but also angry"

*Star* "I’m goin home" - going, or if you want to reflect a manner of speech, then goin'.

*Star* A number of times the character says, or thinks, that he doesn't know what is going on. I would like to see that demonstrated more through his actions - show us how he is reacting to the situation. For example, he could shake his head, rub his eyes, pinch himself, or scream - all of these alternatives show the reader some more ientifiable reactions to where he finds himself.

*Star* Punctuation combinations of ! and ? are not recommended. Your story should carry the emphasis without the need to resort to articifical cues. Use appropriate punctuation, either a question mark or exclamation, and make the text more descriptive where a stronger emphasis is required.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~


I look forward to seeing more of you around the site. Please feel free to drop a line to me, or any moderator (blue case) if you have any queries. And...have fun exploring!

Puditat Author IconMail Icon *Delight*

Write on!

You have been visited by a
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

9
9
Review of Withering  Open in new Window.
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon


         My Reaction

An interesting poem. I definitely get the oxymoron side to it - clever. Nice use of alliteration. *Smile*

I think it needs a little fleshing out to help it reach its full potential.

         Constructive Comments

These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.

Settings (genre, item type, rating, introduction, title, etc.)

*Flower1* "Other"??? - Here, family, relationship, community, or opinion would fit.

Other (including, but not limited to: word choice, repetition, passive vs active, tense, etc.)

*Bullet* The first two lines ask a question, but the answer (3rd line) reads stilted and incomplete.

*Bullet* The fifth line breaks the rhythm a little, and seems to be wanting a syllable or two more.

         Overall Comments


Write on!


*Star* Reviewer's Club *Star*
10
10
Review of The Interview  Open in new Window.
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon


         My Reaction

This is such an evocative piece. Very mesmerising as the story is related so simply, from a childlike perspective of Laura. It is beautiful, haunting, and so very sad. A compulsive read.

I really love your closing sentence, and can see the mood you are trying to leave the reader with. But something doesn't quite work with it ... perhaps because there is no mention of weather elsewhere??? I'm not sure, but you may wish to pop in some precursor to that lovely moody end.

         Constructive Comments

These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.

Grammar, Spelling & Punctuation

*Flower1* "grandparentscomma and my 2 brothers and 3 sisterscomma and I all"

*Flower1* "Only my Mother, and the girlscomma and I"

*Flower1* "to eatcomma but there wasn't"

*Flower1* "the bordom boredom was palpable"

Other (including, but not limited to: word choice, repetition, passive, tense, etc.)

*Flower1* Again, the "had"s are an issue for me here (8 in the first three paragraphs). The repetition becomes tiresome, even for such a seemingly innocuous word as 'had'. Lok for alternatives to freshen up the phrasing. eg. "Laura had written wrote about...who had grown grew up"

*Flower1* The first two sentences of the 3rd paragraph read a little stilted. I would suggest combining them for an easier flow and less repetition. The last sentence of that paragraph also reads awkwardly. My suggestion:
"Laura took the stance that a member of the Jewish faith was also culturally different..."

         Overall Comments

This leaves the reader with an impression, that's for sure. You make it come out of the history books and place it in the reader's lap so poignantly. However, for those who are too young (or, dare I say, ignorant) the subtle references will be lost. Thank you for imparting a very tender view of the holcaust.

Write on!


*Star* Reviewer's Club *Star*
11
11
Review of Balloon Flight  Open in new Window.
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon


         My Reaction

What a gorgeous photo. *Smile*

This poem is so dreamy. It is as quiet and peaceful as the scenes you describe, seeming to drift with soft voice and gentle sway.

You've captured the activity well in your words, and I think it provides a beautifully balanced work.

Your opening verse is particularly striking ... almost a hold-breath scene-setting.

Delightful to read. *Smile*

         Constructive Comments

These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.

Settings (genre, item type, rating, introduction, title, etc.)

*Flower1* I wonder why you've chosen "Other" as an option for this poem. Few people search under "Other" as a genre to read. I would suggest Experience, Nature, Transportation, Travel, Environment, or Personal as all viable genre choices. Choose 3 to maximise visibility on the site.

Grammar, Spelling & Punctuation

*Flower1* "A trailor park indifferent yet strangely similar" - I think a definite pause is required after "indifferent" with the use of a comma. It lends a more thoughtful, peaceful flow to the line

*Flower1* "The billowingcomma partially deflated balloon" - also hyphenate 'partially-deflated'

         Overall Comments

*sigh* Where's my glass of champagne and the sweet-smelling, crisp air. *Wink*

Write on!


*Star* Reviewer's Club *Star*
12
12
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a very intriguing poem. There were moments when the words danced. Specifically...'immaculate musing of a mechanical mind' - brilliant line, with a great use of alliteration.

There was just one area where the flow stumbled a little. "For your love-my cure all" - the single hyphen without spaces makes this read as a hyphenated word 'love-my' thus hampering the immediate comprehension of the line. ... or -- may be more applicable.

Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
13
13
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon


         My Reaction

An interesting short article. I thought it could go a bit deeper into the aspects of dialogue, but it is surely a good place for a writer to begin. You could consider linking to some other dialogue-help articles on Writing.com, or even create an example piece and link it to this article. Then the explanations and examples create a much more effective combo.


         Constructive Comments

These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.

Plot

*Flower1* "and they can see that Jenny is stammering" - would it not be more appropriate that a viewer can hear Jenny stammering?

*Flower1* Your last paragraph about movies does make a good point, however it needs to differentiate between the script or the programme. Earlier you suggest getting hold of scripts. If this is the case, then the actor's instructions would be included in the script, thus negating your points in the closing paragraph. But if the final paragraph is referring purely to watching a movie, then it is quite correct. It just needs a little qualifier, I think.


Grammar, Spelling & Punctuation

*Flower1* "lost, board bored, or"

*Flower1* "cancomma but not alwayscomma clarify"

*Flower1* "characters are supposed to"

*Flower1* "often suite suit that roll role"

*Flower1* "most of it I find is unbelievable" - unnatural flow. A couple of suggestions: 'I find most of it unbelievable.' OR 'most of it, I find, is unbelievable.'

*Flower1* "my opinioncomma maybe you"

*Flower1* "Ben whom who was frowning"


Other (including, but not limited to: word choice, repetition, passive, tense, etc.)

*Flower1* "main character and another secondary character" - 'a secondary' or 'another' is all that is necessary here.

*Flower1* "usedcomma but with some moderation"

*Flower1* "Scripts and study that" - mix of singular and plural

*Flower1* "has {c}that the visual element. That" - avoid repetition

         Overall Comments

I thought tip #4 was particularly well done. Tip 5 can be added to, or perhaps a 6th point. It is not necessary to use a dialogue tag for every sentence. Using a character's different language/inflection/accent/speech impediment can demonstrate which character is speaking without the constant use of tags, as they can become annoying.

Overall, this is a nice basic help for anyone who is struggling with dialogue. Keep on doing these helpful pieces. *Smile*

Write on!

Reviewer’s Club
14
14
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hello, and welcome to Writing.com. It is so great to have you here. *Smile*

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~


*Reading* About your item:

This is a cute story. How terrible to be so frightened. I can identify quite a bit with this as we used to play on a farm with a swampy area and creek. My brothers would take off and I, who was much younger, would try to follow them. There were a few scary moments. *Wink*

The story is a little choppy, and would benefit from more description as opposed to telling the reader. eg. what noises, sounds, and smells came from the swamp. Rather than "wet, smelly muck" something more visual such as 'waterlogged mud smelling of dead things and dad's socks'

The tale is enjoyable, and the mechanics can be worked on. I hope to see more from you. *Smile*

These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.

*Star* "My dad would know knew that because" - more direct and eliminating unnecessary words

*Star* "was not supposed to be"

*Star* "and I would were always be sure to"

*Star* "Pretty scary." - sentence fragment.

*Star* "Metal, open top cars full of iron ore on the way to the crusher, with two engines pulling, and sometime an engine or two pushing. Wow! {c}They tTook a long time to go bycomma too." - the fiorst sentence is also a sentence fragment. In this case it can be easily remedied i.e. 'There were metal, open-top cars, full of...'

*Star* The mention of the swamp would be better placed above the introduction of the railway tracks, in order to group the information in a logical manner and maintain a flow.

*Star* "my sights in on the turtlecomma and wanted to see"

*Star* "I had to try tried and work my way ... get all wet and muddy."

'had' can give sentences a passive feel. Be direct in phrasing. If a sentence makes sense without 'had', or can be reworded to avoid it (such as I have done here), the result is a much more visual and active read.

*Star* "I figured I could hunt him down, or find others. I figured the swap swamp was" - avoid repetition in close proximity. Choose different ways of phrasing/saying the same thing to maintain a fresh, varied narrative.

*Star* "Plenty of bugs ... eggs or something." - three sentence fragments in a row. Work at combining them for a natural flow.

Only use sentence fragments for effect/emphasis.

*Star* "loosing losing track of time exploring"

*Star* "Hard ground was getting harder to find, and I was having a hard" - repetition

*Star* "If oOnly I could find my way back"

*Star* "recognize somespaceplace where I had been familiar, when I spotted" - this eliminates excess wording and the passive 'had been', but I also feels it gives a clearer meaning to the sentence. 'some place where I had been' sounds very vague. The boy may be vague about where he is, but the writer should not sound vague in his writing, even if it's written in first person.

*Star* "I had to try and tried jumping from clump to clump, and hanging onto to trees"

*Star* "get stuckcomma and it was"

*Star* "smelly, scarred scarfed, but happy"

*Star* "been!", dad barked.
And
"I went turtle hunting.", I told

Speech punctuation. Where there is a dialogue tag used, there should be a comma inside the speech marks.
So for the second example shown above, it should be: "I went turtle hunting," I said

If a question mark or exclamation mark is used, then there is no comma necessary. i.e. "been?" Dad barked.

Also note other punctuation - the dad asked a question, so a question mark should be used instead of the exclamation, and the capitalisation of "Dad" when used as a name.

~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~ ~~


*Delight* I would be happy to re-read this story if you choose to make some amendments.

Puditat Author IconMail Icon

Write on!

You have been visited by a
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

15
15
Review of All I Really Want  Open in new Window.
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
A review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon


         My Reaction

This is sad, dark, poignant, heart-plucking and yearning. This made me feel so many emotions.

The format suits this beautifully. The repetition adds to the whimsical, searching feel and the sincerity of the piece.

I enjoyed reading this, even though it is quite depressing in aspect.

I particularly like the verse about the black holes and yellow lines. It captures a sense of science versus the casual. The blend of imagery is enticing. *Smile*

Write on!
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

16
16
Review of Bon Appetit.  Open in new Window.
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
An interesting and all-too-scary story. The realities of this happening are not all that far-fetched, and this adds a thrilling note of dread to the story.

I enjoyed the tale. It is well put together, and I love the darkly humorous jingle at the end. *Bigsmile*

Just one note:
*Bullet* "when the staph had been digested *Note1* the unsuspecting diners would crave it again and again, once it was expelled from their system" - I believe the word order is slightly confusing. I think the segment in red should be placed where the *Note1* is.

Write on!
17
17
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi. *Smile*

A very topical issue and it is interesting to read a different perspective on the implications/causes of the issue.

You make some good points, which should be considered by people. However I found the form of your essay to be a bit cluttered and populated by long sentences and a lack of clarity in phrasing.

Attention to keeping the flow of thoughts to a logical progression is desirable for optimum effect of this otherwise thought-provoking essay.

Some constructive comments for your consideration:

*Star* Your opening sentence runs on and provides a confusing opening to the essay. Produce more impact and grab the reader's attention by being clear, concise and hitting with a clean fact. eg. A fifty-three dollar high for oil prices has caught the attention of the world. ...

*Star* "announced that they would no longer" Avoid words which add nothing to a sentence. Words such as 'had' and 'that' can make a narrative drag unnecessarily. If the sentence reads fine without these words, leave them out. *Smile*

*Star* "The main reason being a little thing called inflation." - sentence fragment

*Star* The second paragraph is one sentence. It is too long, it is awkwardly worded and a mix of plural/singular: "Western countries for long had used". Keep the structure of sentences simple and order the thoughts in a logical sequence for ease of reading and comprehension.

*Star* "inevitablecomma and although"

*Star* Maintain consistency of format. A variety of formats are used, eg. "39 dollars" "9.39" "$53" "$81.30" & "$20,000"
I recommend a standard formatting of $53.00. This greatly enhances the ease with which a reader comprehends the information and ability to relate the various pricings mentioned.

*Star* "They Can't!" - decapitalise i.e. can't

*Star* "The Prices at around $50 is fair" - decapitalise 'prices'. Also a mix of plural/singular.

*Star* "It is only fair to the environment, people might consider cutting down now." - these two statements are not linked adequately. A better way to phrase may be: 'In fairness to the environment people might consider...'

Write on!
18
18
Review of Religious Reasons  Open in new Window.
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon


         My Reaction

An interesting folder. I like your style. Nothing is offensive or 'preachy' or hard. Your quiet strength and conviction say more than being hard-hitting. I enjoyed reading every single one of the entries in this folder, and though I don't agree with all you've said, I appreciate the knowledge and understanding I have gained. *Heart*

Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

19
19
Review of Poetry  Open in new Window.
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
A review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon


         My Reaction

There is a poem in here for everyone. A lovely selection of form, free-form, subject matter and experimentation.

I love your little 'ditty' in the introduction to this folder. It is funny. *Laugh*

Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

20
20
Review of Seasonal Stuff  Open in new Window.
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon


         My Reaction

The Christmas holidays are certainly inspiring for poetry. You have an interesting and entertaining collection in here.

The folder introduction lacks your usual finesse with WritingML code and I missed the warm, decorative feeling. I think it would be especially appropriate to give a festive feeling to the folder. Balloons...?

The wording of your introduction also sounds apologetic, or as if you don't really care for the poetry therein. Give a more positive impression and a reader will respond accordingly.

Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

21
21
Review of Reviewing  Open in new Window.
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon


         My Reaction

Hehehe, look at all those purty badges! *Bigsmile* A great use for them and an appropriate back-up for the folder's intent. This folder has an interesting blend of item types, too, so it is an informative, educational, and entertaining place to stop by.

Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

22
22
Review of Poetry of Promise  Open in new Window.
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon


         My Reaction

So...when are you going to add more? *Bigsmile*

As usual, a delightful use of WritingML code and a good introduction to the folder. Linking to similar works/folders in your port is a good idea, especially with only the one item in this one so far.

         Constructive Comments

These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.

Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

23
23
Review of Zion  Open in new Window.
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon


         My Reaction

I do not know the history behind what prompted this poem, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. The form is well done, with a couple of issues pointed out below where I thought it could be improved.

The poem gives a very gritty, making-a-statement feel. *Smile*

         Constructive Comments

These comments are offered as way of help.
They are only my opinions, so please feel free to discard or accept any, as you choose.

*Flower1* "Turn to their government {c}a deaf ear" - I prefer 'deaf ears' but that would create an imperfect rhyme

*Flower1* And run them from their home, and jeer
And fire shots, and stand and grin - repetition

*Flower1* An imperfect rhyme men/grin, although this may be because of a regional pronounciation variance.

Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

24
24
Review of Mommy and Me  Open in new Window.
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
A review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon


         My Reaction

A beautiful introduction to the folder. The layout and use of WritingML code is visually pleasing. The descriptions of your children just an absolute delight with a lovely touch of motherly humour and pride. *Delight*

Just one suggestion:

*Flower1* "take a backseat to"

Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

25
25
Review of Novel Shorts  Open in new Window.
Review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A review by Puditat Author IconMail Icon


         My Reaction

This is a good explanation of the stories contained within. I would avoid those bracketed adverbs. Whether or not you're sure about the results, you will sound more professional without the qualifiers. The reviewer will also feel that their time is appreciated even more than through what you did say. Sometimes the casual bits say more than we want them to, or give unintended messages. *Wink*

I found it interesting that the folder is rated 13+ and the contents are all ASR. Though the folder no longer needs to be the same or higher rating than its contents (as it once did), there is no reason why the folder could not be rated 'E'. *Smile*

Write on!

** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **

175 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 7 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/kiwiangel