Hi Stained, In review of Black Love
my first impression was how gloomy and dark this poem is. Then I read it again. Surprise!
Surprise, because this is poem of contradictionsnot in a bad sense. You really give black love light and life which is a contradiction, in itself. The suggestion that you crave "darkness" yet desire "love"which brings joy and light in {sometimes the dark too} is a game of "wordplay". So this ends being thought-provoking.
I do have a couple of Suggestions
"fullfiliment" should be fullfillment
The third line of first stanza...its a bit wordy. Perhaps I no longer desire your pleasing light against my skin ...something like that.
I think a comma is needed after "skin"?
though I can not see you clearly in the darkness we share again, a bit wordy...you could remove clearly without much impact.
Overall, this "love" is in darkness and light, it is melacholy and joyous in its tone. A contradiction that is appealing and thought-provoking.
Hi Adam. After reading your story. "Unwanted Passenger" I will never judge a "book by its cover" Yeow.
This was an excellent read. Engaging with nail-biting suspense, or should I say...knife picking suspense.
I like how you remind us that "looks can be deceiving" Who woulda thunk that the nice dressed business man with wads of benies would be more disturbed then a knife-picking, long-haired, tattoed-covered, chain smokin' joker.
I didn't see any errors and I have no suggestions
:blue} You story had elements of suspense,and the story unfolded with wit and lots of compelling active language and introspection within the main character. Nice!
Great Lesson weaved throughout with word usage to match.
Hi kamiya. This is a review of "When Darkness Turns to Light."
What I liked
This story had got great Active Voice and Action
It's Original and Inventive with some unique ideas and displays pretty good "creative writing skills" minus the punctuation errors.
Areas needing work/mechanics of writing
"at the point of contant the beast..." comma after 'contact"
"Before I could question this feat I had" comma after "feat"
"At the time I lived.." comma after "time"
"By now the doors were locked to the place so I..." comma after "place"
"while I fell asleeep I pondered.." comma after "asleep"
"Later on that night the beast" comma after "night"
"The guards blocked his only exit but, not for long." I think the comma should be after "exit"
"The beast's eyes shined a bright red again that signifying his anger." unclear. This might work better if you were to remove "that"
"After a minute I figured that I might..." comma after "minute" and omit "that"
Theme/Plot/Character development
There was a bit of confusion for me. In the beginning you went right into action and the action pretty much ensued from then on. And that's a good element to maintain, however, there was very little character development. Who is the beast, why did he murder the king's family. Who is Mora. You gave a little backgound, but not enough. You didn't really disclose the purpose or develop a why.
There was a beginning and somewhat of an end...but the rest is a bit of a blur. The reader needs more background. To just thrust characters in a battle and not give some specifics,leaves us with too many questions.
I think you have great beginnings here. Excellent Potential. I think it just needs more developing. There has got to be a reason, a theme and plot. As of yet, its just hovering about.
There are some intriguing ideas in you story. "angel steel, elements of wind power, elemental hammar. What are these weapons...some insight and history would help.
Hi ChickenPatty, This is a review for "Call it a Christmas Miracle" I like your handle
The Plot and Theme of this story is Endearing
Some Nice Action
Pretty good character development
There are many, many errors which made it difficult to read.
Grammar and Mechanics
Sometimes, in our anxiousness to finish a story and get reviews, we submit a story before its ready. This is one of those cases.
This needs some serious proofreading especially with punctuation. If you can Think,
then I know you can catch a lot of the errors before you submit for review. These are basic writing errors.
I'm not trying to be harsh. sorry.just helpful.
"But contrary to Mr. Liang's expectation his..." comma after expectation.
"...full.And" indent with space
"And so to take out his frustration..." comma after 'so" comma after "frustration"
"Moku looked Liang's face..." Missing a word
"scared he turned to Kai" comma after "scared" period after "Kai"
"if you can't handle it whyd' you use it.." "why'd"
"his glance rivited upon" Missing something here. And the end of a sentences needs a "period."
"...moku to make a move he rushed out." comma after "move"
"...straightened his own, the nerve of that kid what a coward." comma splice and run on. period after "own" period after "kid"
"Hey boss wait' up, Maku somehow managed to flung him inside the cab." change in tense,"use "fling" "period" after "up"
"Fire Chief, thats a fire chief?" whose saying this? and it should be "that's", and it's a little unclear.
"kai spaok impatiently, hesitantly, they" "spoke" "imaptiently and hesitantly" a contradiction. period after "impatiently"
"A strong light from the chopper shone over the girl, she was..." comma splice/runon. Needs a period after "girl"
There was some confusion for me from the cab to the building to reach the girl.
This was a fantastic sentence.''Moku, if you ask me one more silly question I'll throw you out of the cab'' {other then the punctuation error}
Moku had nothing more to ask."
I like the Plot of this story. The heroic efforts of Kai are wonderful!
Formatting
The presentation of your story will be greatly enhanced by spaces between paragraphs.
This has potential but its raw right now because of the numerous errors. Once those are cleaned up, you address the formatting, and clear up the confusion from the "cab" to the "top' of the building" this will be a wonderful story.
I hope this has been helpful. I'd gladly review again, once the errors are addressed if'd you like me too.
Hi Walkinbird. This is a review for "What Greets You In The Dark Eats Light" {e:bigsmile"
Excellent Title by the way. Very Intriquing
This is a sci-fi-like horror short. Set in a future time when over popualtion and global warming has over taken Earth. Great concept and I like the build up to suspense. well done.
I thought it was well written and engaging. Mildly suspensful and a bit creepy. Thanks a lot! Great, now I'll be thinking about what's under my bed in the dark of night. yeow!
{b) What I didn't like
The only area when the flow was a bit choppy was with the voice of the child. I had difficulty deciphering his babble. I realize he's only three. But it was a tad bit difficult to read. Just a thought for you to ponder.
{e:note} Otherwise, a good read, great title, excellent theme and subject and creepy monster in the dark that eats light. Yeow!
Hi P W Wilcoxs. This is a review for "We All Remember." Nothing that comes to my mind insights emotion and passion and anger more than 9/11. It is the one incident in the 21 century of America that we hold dear and cringe away from. And we will never forget.
Your poem of the fatefull day, incites us to remember not with just pain, but with angst and anger. You write of the lies and the deciet of our government.
You poem flows at a great pace. it has a natural rhythm that helps to ignite in the reader the anger and questions in the tone of this poem.
The one line that stands out for me is "the President grins" Wow, that's a loaded statement. If you haven't recieved vehement comments yet, you just might. What you trying to do "wangle" wrath
I saw no obvious errors and have no suggestions.
For those Bush adminstration lover's who comment on this, I hope you armour is thick!
I will throw my two cent's in...I think the tragic and unfortunate terrorist attact of 9/11 was inevitable regardless of who was President, be it Ghandi, Mother Teresa, Hitler,Mandela or Bush. it was a testament to our political greed and power thirst. Not that I support him, just my, umm opinion. Yeow! Don't bite me.
{e:note{ I'm just having fun with you. I did like your poem. It was thought-provoking and outrageously packed with zeal. Well done.
This is a review for "Woody" Kids! man that boy needs a whupping, A whacking up side the head!
Seriously though, I thought this was a good read. The opening sentence was engaging. Ignited my interest to read further. So well done. I think you did a great job of slowly (but not too slow)revealing the events.
There wasn't a lot of suspense because you disclosed the theme in the beginning, however, I still felt you told a good tale.
I liked all the little nuances of this story that gave it life and breath...the walking through swamp with tennis shoes, the alligators and mocassins which could of added to the drama.
The assembly of odd characters, especially Woody, whose bulk defies his name. It was rather comical to picture them all truding along and then mindlessly shooting a tin! Boys, will be boys!
I saw no errors and I have no suggestions Nice!
Of course you had a flat tire, and had to go to a different hospital another few hours away...Murphy wouldn't have it any other way...
{c;blue} Potus Emeritus this is a review for "For a Genius"
I thought this was well written. It was engaging and tragic with an unexpected twist to the end. Nice job.
I think you had excellent character development for such a short piece. A genius in his own mind who learns the true meaning of life and its lessons. At the expense of someone else Wow!
Every word written was choosen for clarity and for effect. Precise and lean, no fluffy words here
Just some Thoughts and Comments
Your character was not loveable by any means.
evenstill, this doesn't mean anyone should cheer his bad luck or consider the "what goes around comes around...karma thing.
It was just an accident in which he was careless and negligent and now doubly sorry. Hope he had some darn good insurance...an Umbrella Policy. Sorry, this isn't a joking matter
While your character was arrogant and his ego leaning towards maniac...he had redeeming qualitites. Ask him, he'll tell ya in a list as long as his arm.(e:bigsmile} Just having a little fun here.
This was a fantastic story, I enjoyed the read. It was sad and thought-provoking and poignant in its underlining deeper meaning. Excellent!
all death is tragic to some degree, but I'd say it sure sucks to be... {hey, I just realized, you didn't give your character a name, wow, now that's a statement!}
Hi Sendinthe Clown. this is a review of Double-dog Dare Ya. How on Earth did you manage to write that dialect so discernable to the reader, is a mystery to me. Great job.
But you sure nuf did. Shiver me timbers cause it was a real good one too. I likes how you weaved this little gem of a story with "back country" humor and ignorance.
Seriously though. I thought this story was creative and inventive and darn right freaky. Putting to mind..."Deliverance" kind of folk but worse. Yeow!
As far as I can tell, no obvious errors and I have no suggestions.
I like the question you leave in the readers mind to ponder.
Was it yellafella' schwinn tire marks..
I think this was a good read. The dialect alone must of been a challenge.
Hi TrueNatureCalling, this is a review of STOD P 1-5.
I like the concept of this story.
I think it has potential.
Theme/plot A sci-fi horror-like affliction that once bitten you turn into a prolific canabalistic super-strong killer. Wow, that's a mouthfull
Grammar/Mechanics
There are a lot of mistakes. Your story is overly inudated with misspellings, punctuation errors. I will list some of them. You might want to proofread.
"lound banging at the door. He ran to the door" lound, loud. repitive use of door.
"austin shouts' Austin shouts. "Officer, all i did" I, "darrens room" "Darren's room" dude, im so tired." I'm.
"God speed" a cliche
"im going weather you come or not" I'm , whether.
"were nowere to be seen" "were no where"
"scopeing" "scoping," "maintance" "maintenance,
"strugled" "struggled," "assailen" do you mean assailent? "shodily" shodly, "throught" through or thought? "hadnt" hadn't, "ill find" i'll
"Tzeitel was a beautiful, and yet battle torn." Missing something
Some more character development is needed. I really don't know anything about Darren. It looks like he's the heroic protagonist for this story.
I think, for its genre, it is creative and inventive...that is if you like blood, gore, canabalism, a whoe twon paralyzed by some rabid biting monster...Yeow
Dude, this has potential and grand possibilities...do some basic editing and proofreading and use spellcheck before posting a story. Presentation is imporatant.
Hey GoForTheGold are you messing with us? Trying to confuse and confound with all this nonesense of microwaving a baby, goodness, so you could have a platform, a podium to spread the gospel...well you ought to be ashamed...ha,ha,hee,hee Got you!
I don't know what to think of what you wrote.
But it was good. You jokester. No, really though. I almost believed the story. I mean it could be possible, but the baby would have to be small unless it was a commercial size microwave. Yeow!
Then I noticed it was a contest submission for the "lamest excuse ever contest" You got me good. I'm just too guilible. What this says then, is your writing is pretty convincing, so well done.
No obvious errors and I have no suggestions.
Even though you used humor as a way to convey this story...I think the deeper meaning is profound and serious. And I do admire the way in which you never lost focus of your beliefs. Obviously, they are strong and unwavering.
"Prowling around like a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour."
That particular line in the bible has always keep me on the straight and narrow path...its chilling.
"by default Satan's is your daddy." Yeow
now that is a frightening thought... Excuse me while I commence to praying...(I'm gonna have scars on my knees)
Before I go...just out of curiosity, just what setting on the microwave
This poem is certainly an experimentation of form. But I liked it. It was presented uniquely and I felt the form added to its "wondering" and "questioning" tone.
Although there was little direct rhyme in your poem, I felt the words had a nice movement and flow, partly due to its form. nice job.
I like the direction you gave with your form and your words. It didn't meander aimlessly
In an indirect way, you seemed to sum up the age old question of "would of, should of, could of" with that constant yet forgetable itch. Nice!
Hello Blackout, This is a review of your poem "I, the armless, legless mute"
This was a "despiring" poem. Laddened with anguish and a deep sense of "distraught" Good job with ingniting emotion with tone.
Too, your poem encompasses the depth of this despair. The "uselessness" of being without limb and without voice. I sense the "crying out" and there seems to be little or no hope.
Nice visual with "the big finger points at you" more please! Also, "sitting in the little brown chair" again, nice visual. I find it interesting that you chose the color brown.
What I Didn't like
"Twasn't me alone, but my life had use.
If it didn't, then I could prevent no pain."
Those two lines didn't work for me. They were
too vague and unclear.
The last stanza "I, the armless legless mute"
Its best to be consistent. If you used punctuation
in the title and first line of first stanza, you might want to keep the consistency.
those are small and minor
*brown* Great depth of emotion. There wasn't a lot of imagery. And no rhymes. But there was a bit of indirect rhythm which matched the anguish note in the tone.
*indigo* Hi Ranjan. This is a review of your story "The Resolution"
What I liked
Great descriptions of the "meeting" I could see them sitting on the carpet with the light of the oil lamp burning. Excellent!
Great descriptions of the four men and one woman. I visualized them with detailed descriptions like "high aquiline nose reddened " "His sensual lips, rosy with the juice of the betel-leaf that he had been chewing" Nice!
Nana ripping apart the flower with her teeth. Strange yet wonderful. Telling and curious.
What didn't Work
A few puntuation errors
"In my opinion we should" Comma
after "opinion.
"taking this cue the." comma after "cue"
A couple Unclear/Wordy Sentences
"The four persons seated on the carpet laid out neatly in the corner of the dimly lit hall were engrossed in some serious discussion when an usher came in to announce the new arrival, " Persons" is plurual "people" will suffice here.
I think this sentence is a bit wordy. You say in so much what could be clearer in less. "Sitting on the carpet in the corner of the dimly lit hall, were four men engrossed in serious discussion when" Something like that.
"The others were quick on their toes as a rather stout, yet not too stout, young lady draped in plain white muslin, which emphasized her remarkably fine figure, entered the hall. Looking at her gait, one could very well imagine that she was quite comfortable with the dress drawn about her in the manly fashion."
This is a daunting sentence
"Is she or isn't she stout? Her dress was drwan about her in manly fashion yet, it emphasized her figure? Seems a bit of a contradiction.
I love the cultural use of language in your story. I found it rich and languid and suprisingly easy to adjust to.
Other than the minor errors mentioned above, this is a fine story. Engaging and creative. great use of descriptions.
This is a short story of how a few dragons got stuck on the Loche Ness. If your tag, you said "the Lock Ness Monster gets a different face lift."
This was inventive and imaginative. There was a sweetness about your tale that edged me on.
However, Kaya, there were many mistakes and I found this story to be weakened by the over use of the word "had" You wrote loche ness had, had screamed, hed left, had set, they had, had lived...well, you get my point. It may work if this were a longer piece.
Words like "had", that, the, and, but,very, are common words which really don't offer much to a sentence. often times they weigh a sentence down. I also realize, they are needed sometimes. I think it weakens your sentences when you rely on them. Think of "had" as a passive/past-tense word. Then you might not rely on it so much.
Here are a few other errors I ran across: No one ever guessed that what they were hearing..." omit "that"
"by the time she was hatched her..." comma after hatched.
"long ago her kind had lived in the sea." long ago her kind lived in the sea.
"long ago" a cliche, I know you have a better way to say this.
"Being very old..." comma after old.
"as they napped..." comma after napped
"...in just a few moments..." comma after "moments the loche had..." remove 'had"
"first they had tried to find..." first they tried to find.
"to far" too far
These were just the few I noticed. I know how difficult it is to "distance" yourself from your own writing and be critical. These few errors can be easily addressed with editing and rewriting.
This little tale has huge potential; it just needs some more attention. Your writing could be greatly polished and enchanced by trying to stick to active voice. It gives life to your words as does present tense if it's applicable.
I think you have the beginnings of a story here. Right now there are far too many mistakes most are in punctuation and the oveuse of common words such as "had" and 'that" which weaken your story.
this of course, is just my opinion. I mean only to be helpful.
Also, I was waiting for the 'facelift" you previewed, but I didn't get the sense of what the "facelift" was. I was let down a bit. I was hoping for a twist to this dragon tale
This does has potential! It's creative with a delightful tone
This is one of those stories that make you wanna go Hhhmmm. It wasn't awful but it wasn't fantastic either. It was, well different.
What I liked
It was certainly original.
It was inventive and creative.
Rather typical dog with a typical name and a typical job with a not-so typical wife who had 48 pups Yeow! gets the opportunity to become a Hero and save not just the day but Hawaii.
It was quirky but I liked it. It was comical. A little wit to wash down the dry.
Errors:
There were a few errors, but they didn't come about until toward the end. As if you were getting tired and was rushing through.
It was all thanks you three. missing a word
"spot ripped of the blanket' off?
"looks likes its down to you." like it's
Im gonna return with the diamonds. I'm
boat is out of gaz. gas
spot was minutes away from getting crushed in the recking. wrecking.
This is an interesting piece. I like it because its different. There are a few problems but they're easily addressed and needs only a little polishing and editing.
Your "Reluctant Escort" story was great. It was engaging and compelling. Awesome introduction.
So far a theme/plot has been revealed. Good character development and nice usage of the language. Precise and lean.
The ending is also a transition for ensuing chapters. And a new character has been develpoped, the son. So interest has been incited.
Grammar/Typos and Errors:
"dust motes" ? do you mean mytes?
(e:check3} "other tomes scattered on..." tones? since the binding isn't necessarily water, you might want to rephrase "water dripping from his hair" to liguid? Or is binding water? Just curious.
Overall, great beginning. I look forward to reading more.
This a great little story...and it's got more to say than the "big fish that got away"
*bold* What I liked {/b}
All the nuances that make this charcater likeable and three dimensional. For example:
like his thoughts: "Damn! he hated being an old fart. And:
took him longer to get a good piss going than it did to boil and egg.
Good use of setting and action.
Typos/Errors
"sighing to himself..." comma after himself
"not so sober side he" comma after 'side
"shrugging off the unease he..." comma after "unease"
{e;note} "complete waste of time he did" comma after "time"
"Part of Clarence knew that what was happening was unbleivable." a bit wordy. Perhaps this?
"Clarence knew this was unbelievable Or What was happening was unbeleivable to Clarence.
Overall, a simple little horror story laced with a little humor that's big on appeal.
Minus the few punctuation errors and the wordy sentences, this is a wonderful story. Witty and charming and creepy! Yeow! {e:schock)
The ending was a cmplete surprise. Great job with suspense and twist! {e:delight}
You paint a vivid picture of this goose taking a bite out of your thigh. . I didn't want to laugh, but alas, I thought it pretty humorous. Sorry!
Whether you intended it to be so or not, it does have a comic undertone and it is lighthearted and playful.
The rhymes are decent and I like the acbd rhyme scheme. It gives it a little cadence...its only little ditty that is kind of a "sing song" but it worked for this particualr poem. This isn't profound or poignant but it is whimsical and comical and that's always a plus!
I saw no obvious errors and I have no suggestions. Great use of imagery. Now cook that goose. So he won't be after me when I go a fishing!
"A heartbeat Away" nice soothing and tender story. great title. Though the suject/theme isn't original it was approached with a uniqueness that was refreshing.
great descriptions and details of the "moment" and nice use of all senses. I especially liked: "A cool ribbon of ocean wind slipped in under the half open window sash to whisper over her exposed skin and she shivered,"
Error/typos:
"the thought was alternately thrilling and terryifying to her." delet "to her"
I was unsure about the "meaning" of the ending. This is not an ERROR. Just a question in my mind.
Overall. This was a sweet story., Well written. The build up to the "moment" was tastefully written. Erotic and yet tender. The ending left me wondering a bit and perhaps that was your intent?
Hi Brad. Well I don't read too many stories of this genre, but I thought, what the heck, I'll give it a try. And you know what? I was pleasantly surprised.
What I liked:
Excellently developed characters. Aleksander is a strong formidible protagonist who seems to have a "sensitive' side.
The revealing of the theme/plot not too soon in the story and with just enough intrigue to keep the reader interested.
Very well written minus a few typos/errors I'll list in a minute. For the most part, excellent word usage, precise and lean.
A compelling short that every one could enjoy. Nice pace. Smooth flow. Drama, action and suspense all to ensue. Well done.
Dislikes: {e:bold{None{/b} Errors/Typos:
"Miles long thoughts" no plural needed on "mile"
"In the pursuit of knowledge" comma after knowledge
"Suddenly filled the desire to fulfill..." missing "with?" and maybe consider changing filled or fulfilled?
"...stepped inside. The place was a marvel inside." one too many "insides"
"He notice Arna again as well." delet "as well"
I think this is intriguing and engaging. I liked it! Thanks for suggesting this.
Very intriguing jrdnjones. Who would of thought...a talking dictionary! Well actually, one that spews forth its words in sentence format but through the voices of others. Wow. That's pretty cool.
You seem to have a nice command of the English language. So much more capacity then I had, way back when, I was your age. lol!
"towards the window and through, downwards out of sight." I thought this was a bit rough. Perhaps
through the window and out of sight? We don't always have to log every movment, action or thought. its ok to allow the readers to do thinking on their own. otherwise, this was well written and inventive.
Hi Cheryl. Thanks for sharing your article with me. It was informative and gets down to the "nitty gritty" of what FMG really is and how horrific of a practice it is.
I applaud you on your courage to write on the subject and the other themes in your artice. It was written well except for on itsy mistake "On our ow shores." missing a little letter.
I think, overall, this is a powerful article. And yet, it's not as persuasive as it could be because you leave the inception of "FMG" even though you "express you are taking it further" and changing directions in themes, you end up doing an "inservice" to FMG by comparing it to the falterings of our own sexual indifferences and inadequaces. You make a pretty powerful assertion that takes the definition of "FMG" and likens it to "mental and physical alteration" of women in general from masturbation to lack of inhibitions in sexual matters. yet, I don't see the connection.
While many of your porposed statements are in fact "truth" which could be an article on its own in its own right, I don't see the relationship to FMG. Because of its physical cruelity, its tradition, its overall effects not to mention just the lack of sanitary devices used to mutilate as well as the onoging mental and physcial damage--just the terror alone it ignites.
I think your article is an exposition of the importance of encouraging masturbation for healthy sexual behavior.
However, I do agree with your overall statements. We have a long ways to go. And "women" around the world still are abused in many ways which has a lasting affect on our self-worth and our spirits. its so shameful.
Thank you for enlightning me. This was thought-provoking. Though, I can't say, I agree whole-heartedly.
~Write on and Peace~ Kjo
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Surprise!
"fullfiliment" should be fullfillment
There was some confusion for me from the cab to the building to reach the girl.
Excuse me while I commence to praying...(I'm gonna have scars on my knees)
Great descriptions of the "meeting" I could see them sitting on the carpet with the light of the oil lamp burning. Excellent!
Great descriptions of the four men and one woman. I visualized them with detailed descriptions like "high aquiline nose reddened " "His sensual lips, rosy with the juice of the betel-leaf that he had been chewing" Nice! 