Hi Arwachan, This is a review for But Then He Was Gone
Your story has potential. The theme/plot is good. You've got the material but it needs rewritting and polishing.
The character in your short in intriguing, and I realize the setting is aMental Hospital , evenstill, much of the plot didn't make sense to me.
Contents/Mechanics/Errors![Note4 *Note4*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/note4.png)
This is a short story of many contradictions. And In this, lies most of the issues with your story.
It's just not believable even though she is a menatal patient. Too many inconsistencies igniting manyunaswered questions.
You wrote "...lay down under a tree" This begins the contradictions because if she is laying down how was she able to see so much around her? If this was all imaginary visions and thoughts racing through her mind It would be believable. But you didn't make that clear.
"flat grass was nice and warm...the grass felt fresh and wet." Here again, a contradiction it seems, I can't picture grass being warm and wet unless it had just stopped raining hot water. Wouldn't that be sweet?
"Hair felt nice and soft but cold as ice." These images are a contradiction in my mind. "Nice and soft," I think plush, ice is cold and solid. Unless she had on an helmet ![Laugh *Laugh*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/laugh.png)
"you spoted a man by the bridge" "I knew I was blushing, so I giggled. His far-fetched smile made me feel as though I have known..." If you were lying down, how did you see him smile from a distance? How did you see his "beautiful face" and how did you accomplish "starring deeply into those incredible eyes?" from a lying down position at a distance? I'm sorry, but its inconceivable to me unless all this is happening in her own mind But you need to let the reader know. ![Bigsmile *Bigsmile*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/bigsmile.png)
"but bang! I felt something large forcing me to the ground." If I was hit by a truck, I'd feel more than a bang. Need emotion here. need imagery here. Help it come alive for the reader. ![Smile *Smile*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/smile.png)
"I realized that some cold, red liquid increased faster than anything around my body." blood I'm assuming? This is a bit unclear. How did it increase? Was it gusing? was it seeping? was it a red river of blood oozing? Claify. and again, imagery, emotion, action. ![Bigsmile *Bigsmile*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/bigsmile.png)
"all with a somehow similar expression to which of the driver's" One driver as portrayed earlier or more? And this sentence is a bit mucked up. It's grammatically incorrect. It's incomplete.
"I stared at it ignoring the fact that my life had come to an end. My heart was beating so fast a couple of minutes ago but now it had stopped." This is a bit far-fetched A contradiction because your life came to an end and yet, you stared at it?
I get the impression that you meant all of this to happen in her mind...a vision, a dream...{b] it would certainly make more sense, if it were a dream. There is grand potential with this short. But, as it stands now, there are too inconsistencies and contradictions . Your story needs polishing and a little rewritting.
there were a few punctuation errors too, but I didn't mention them, because by now, I'm sure you'd rather me just go away. Really
though, you're off to a good start. I don't mean to be critical or harsh, just helpful.
There is an innocence and sweetness to you character. I like that! She is scattered, and its endearing. Build on that. It'll be easy to make this a dream, if that was your intention. ![Delight *Delight*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/delight.png)
I hope this has been helpful
~write on and peace~kjo ![Flower3 *Flower3*](https://images.Writing.Com/imgs/writing.com/writers/e21/flower3.png) |
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