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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/knightly
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5 Public Reviews Given
5 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
While I consider myself apt enough to provide decent, kind feedback, I'm not the sort of person to laud a man's writings. Instead, I seek to find smaller, more intricate points of interest within their writings so that I might offer suggestions and feedback so that they might better aid the flow of their work.
Favorite Genres
Fiction, Fantasy
Favorite Item Types
Short Stories
I will not review...
Anything mature involving intercourse or romance disgusts me.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Blank Page Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
It's short, sweet, succinct, and darn good, too. The rhyme and rhythm scheme corroborates to create an enjoyable reading experience. I only have a few small points of critique;

In the third stanza, it feels slightly odd having three of the four lines start with 't' so I'd personally recommend committing to the bit and going all four lines starting with 't' or just one or two.

The first line of the last stanza feels a little off compared to the rest of the poem, but it's easily overlooked. Maybe it's because it starts with "our" which is referring to multiple people as opposed to the rest of the stanzas that start with a singular? I'm not certain.

Overall it's a very nice poem, and I enjoy that the last line of the last stanza is the title.
2
2
Review of Hourglass sands  Open in new Window.
Review by Blank Page Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A short, succinct, and pleasant poem. I enjoy the melancholic illustration of longing to go back to times passed.

I have but two small suggestions:

Firstly, I propose joining "second" and "hand" in the last line of the poem as secondhand is - I believe - the word you are looking for. As it is now, "second hand" makes me think more of the second hand of a clock. If that is your intent, however, then feel free to disregard this suggestion.

Second, I'd just like to suggest adding a period to the end of the second and fourth lines of the second stanza. That, or remove the ones from the first one. It sort of detracts slightly from the poem when the reader questions why one stanza has periods and the other does not.

Whatever you choose to do, know that this poem is already good as-is, and you shouldn't feel pressured to change it if you feel it would change the overall message.
3
3
Review by Blank Page Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
A nice, brief recounting of a pleasant experience. I'm personally fond of repetition motifs in poetry, so while a shorter read, I enjoyed it.

I have a few suggestions to make to make this poem a little more well-paced. They're small and seemingly innocuous, but I feel like it would improve the reading experience near tenfold.

I suggest adding a comma in the first line between "cloudy" and "windy" - when reading the brain will take a small pause, allowing things to flow a bit better.

I also recommend changing "It is" to "It's" in the third line of the second stanza. Another suggestion to assist in pacing, as "It is" feels as though it slows down the reading of the poem awkwardly.

Lastly, I feel the use of the colon in the end of the third line of the third stanza is already unnecessary. The last line "The first day of Summer, June 21st." already has emphasis put on it by the fact it's a solitary line. The colon feels a tad redundant in this scenario.

All in all you're welcome to leave it as it is, as it is already a fine poem. Best of luck in your continued writing!
4
4
Review of Child  Open in new Window.
Review by Blank Page Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
An overall good poem illustrating the repetitive nature of history and how the traits of parents can negatively affect their child's development. With few words, it portrays well the pain parents see their children experience as they go against what they've been told.

A few changes I may suggest are italicizing the word "my" in "let me live my way" to emphasize that it is from the perspective of the child. I would also like to suggest adding a period after "family" and "way" as, grammatically speaking, run-on sentences leave the mental narrator breathless.

Lastly, this one is more of a personal suggestion, but I think that "The child will repeat like mirrored glass" doesn't make too much sense. I understand that then intent was to say that they mirror their parents' behavior, but one doesn't necessarily equate repetition with mirrors. Personally, I'd suggest something along the lines of "The child will repeat as foretold in stained glass" to better convey the "set it stone" nature of taking after their parents.

Overall a well thought out poem. Perhaps stemming from a more personal experience?
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