I liked this poem. It is stark and gutsy in tone, and speaks of a shattering reality found by the author. I liked the centering formatting, it helps the flow of the piece. The only change that I can suggest is to eliminate the word 'my' in the next-to-last line. It jars against the use of the same word in the last line, and the meaning won't change without it there. Otherwise, I have no other suggestions. This is a good poem, strong enough to stand on its own.
My favorite part: 'the tainted pages.' It just says so much!
Very nice metaphors. I like this poem, and can think of several people that it fits. The only change I would make in it is the word 'kill' in the last line. It's so much more final and stark than the melting from the line before. No misspellings found.
My favorite part: that you personalized the fire and ice (a and an). It makes the piece so much more intimate in nature.
I loved this. The description using thread colord and sewing...wonderful idea; and oh so very apt. The visual images conjured by your lines were very realistic and explicit. I look forward to reading more of your stuff. I found no misspellings, and the flow was perfect for the subject. I liked the way that your words went from smooth and flowing for the calm, and more staccato for the frantic-type emotions.
What I liked best: the very last line. It brought it all into perspective.
I really liked this poem. As I'm sure you intended, it took me awhile to catch on that the speaker is an abandoned dog. His conversations sound just like what I think he might say. Your rhythm is perfect and I found no misspellings. The rhyme scheme never sounded forced, which is difficulot to do.
What I liked the best: The last stanza, especially the last line. I felt that it pulled it all together.
This poem made me tear up, and that's not easy to do. Wonderful piece. The flow is perfect, no areas where it drags. No misspellings that I found. I would only make one suggestion. I assume (and on re-reading, I think I'm right) that the 2 characters alternate points of view every stanza. Did you consider putting one character's POV in italics? This might make the changeover a bit more apparent. I had to read it over a second time to really get the changing.
Other than that, this piece is perfect. Great job, and Write On.
This was heartbreaking. You managed to tell the whole story in rhyme, and it kept my interest all the way through. I'm a poet, also, and very picky about what I like and why. This was a very good piece. I hope that it helped you to tell the story.
I only found one line that didn't scan for me. Part XV, first line has one syllable too many to flow as well as the other lines do. Maybe: 'The abuse it starts to take its toll...' ? Just my opinion, you are the author, and what works for you is right.
What I liked the best: The naked honesty felt in every line of the piece. You led up to the abuse slowly, and didn't change style or tone when you got to it. This was a piece that drags the reader in.
Punctuation: Several points where a semicolon would have worken better than a comma. Too many commas altogether. A comma is to create a short pause in the flow. It seems to be used here many times to make the sentences longer.
Impression: I really liked the storyline. I think that this could be fleshed out to a much longer piece, as you said you were planning to do. I wasn't overly thrilled with the narration, though. It felt like someone standing up in school, reading their book report. I think that conversations (in the flashback parts) would really help...just something to add tone to it. You might also look into a writing technique called "Show, not tell." When using that, you don't spell out every single thing for your reader. You let them create their own mind pictures with the images you give them. Repetition also is a problem. For instance, when describing Alryk and the training method he used, 6 times in one paragraph you used "Alryk's training" or "his training".
What I liked the best: Paragraph 12. You described Kaltor just enough that I could see him in my head. I saw the throne room, the throne and how arrogant Kaltor was...without you explaining every single thing to me. I saw it for myself, which allows the reader to get involved with the story. Instead of being told a tale, the reader becomes part of it.
I think you have the makings of a good book here. Keep working at it. I look forward to your revisions.
I really enjoyed this piece. There was a flow to it that was never interrupted; no jarring words or misspellings. The rhythm was just right. The formatting was good for this poem, and the title perfect. What I liked best was the tone of gentle sadness throughout the piece; no bitterness or anger, just sorrow lightened by good memories.
What I liked the best: You have a talent for creating very complete mind pictures with your words.
I lkiked what you wrote, but your format made it very difficult to read. I find it hard to follow the flow without a space after the apostrophes or periods. The long spaces in the middle are also very distracting to the eye. IMHO, and this is my opinion only...you are the author, the piece might be a bit more reader-friendly with the spaces put back in and perhaps skip a line or something else where you have the long spaces. I find it hard to keep my place in reading this when my eyes keep flicking off to the long spaces. Write On!
Overall Impression: I liked this. I've gone off searching in the wilderness for special stones myself.
What I Liked: Most of this poem was quite profound. The way that you wrote and the language that you chose gave the feeling of the mountainside; the sense of aloneness and stillness that a site like exudes.
What I Didn't Like: The last four lines. I didn't feel that they fit with the feel of the rest of the poem. It was disappointing.
Misspelled Words: I found none.
Suggestions: I would love to see this with a different ending. Remember, this is only a suggestion. You, as the author, make the final decisions, but the rest of the poem is so rich in detail and feeling that I think this has the potential to be a really memorable poem.
Overall Impression: I was really impressed that you wrote such a complete story with so few words.
What I Liked: The ending was pretty much unexpected, and I liked it a lot.
What I Didn't Like: Nothing.
Misspelled Words: I found none.
Suggestions: I have no suggestions for this piece. It really takes talent to do a complete story in just over 400 words. I had no questions about the background or the setting as I read it. I give very few 5's, and this piece deserves it.
Overall Impression: The pain in this piece is nearly overwhelming.
What I Liked: The line: "I wish you could see us now." The repetition of this line is poignant and really hammers the message home.
What I Didn't Like: The last line. To me, it changes the whole tone of the piece.
Misspelled Words: Found a typo: "You and Mum used to me [be] close."
Suggestions: None. This piece stands alone. You have a talent for bringing out emotions so clearly with your words. I could feel (not just see)the pain, the guilt, the anger.
Overall Impression: I likrd it. You obviously did some research before you wrote this.
What I Liked: The first three lines resonated.
What I Didn't Like: The line where you used the quotes. I liked the quotations, but not all together in one line like that. It made it difficult to read.
Misspelled Words: "Quite" I think you meant quiet.
Suggestions: What about scatterine the quotations throughout the poem? A few of your lines, then a space between, then a quotation.
Overall Impression: I loved it, this made me laugh.
What I Liked: Pretty much everything. You kept your story short, but descriptive. In very few words, you managed to convey the whole sense of panic on Earth, as well as the humorous nature of the gift.
What I Didn't Like: Nothing, really.
Misspelled Words: I found none.
Suggestions: I don't have any suggestions. This piece is perfect as it is. I really look forward to checking out your port.
Overall Impression: Very moving. As someone who has worked with many alcoholics, this rings soooo true.
What I Liked: The blatant honesty in this piece is piercing.
What I Didn't Like: Nothing.
Misspelled Words: I found none.
Suggestions: On the lines where the sentence is obviously continued on to the next line, you might want to see how it looks without every line capitalized.
This was a beautiful story. I did have some problems reading it, however. The sentences were, on the whole, very long. This made following the storyline difficult.
On the good side, your opening paragraph was riveting. It hooked me in right away, and made me want to continue. Your choice of language is a bit flowery, for me, in places, but seemed appropriate for the content. Your spacing of the paragraphs also added an element of anticipation.
I enjoyed this short story. Your premise for the story was good, and I thought you could easily have stretched it out longer. Perhaps more detail about how the boy got to the farm or why the farmer was willing to sell the puppy for so little; maybe a focus on the boy's lifelong wish for a puppy of his own.
I had only one problem with this piece. So many times you chose to capitalize words in the middle of sentences. For me, this put emphasis in some very strange places and interrupted the flow of the read. This was very distracting.
Good job. I look forward to reading more of your stuff.
This was great! I wasn't very impressed with it until I got to the last two lines, then I couldn't stop laughing. I can just see it in my mind. Good idea putting the last line in italics, it really adds to the poem.
I hope to see some more like this. It's hard to write humorously, but you've got it!
Very, very powerful imagery. As I read this, I could feel the pull to another person. Your use of metaphores and similes is masterful and brings a haunting melody of its own to the piece.
I wonder what this poem would be like, centered on the page. I think it might add to the visual impact that way, or possibly as a 'form' poem, with the lines starting at different places on the page to increase the sense of music.
What I liked: Favorite line: "My mind is entwined"
What I didn’t like: Not sure the word "desperation" fits with the tone of the rest of the piece. More sadness, less anxiety.
My suggestions: Do you think that something like: 'In misery, sorrow' might work?
Overall: Overall, a wonderful poem, especially if it's your first haiku. I'm not sure if the final line is 'legal,' but who cares? It fits perfectly and is a good ending. Great job!
What I liked: The pantoum is a very difficult form to do...I still can't get it right! You did a good job of following the form while still telling a story.
What I didn’t like: In some of the verses, the rhyme scheme seemed a bit forced, as if you had to stretch to get the rhymes.
My suggestions: "Union sanctified as he yellow thread ties" might read a bit easier as 'union hallowed as the yellow thread ties'
Overall: Good job. Not only did you tell the story of a special moment, you allowed the reader a glimpse of another culture. Hard to do without a lot of explaining, but you managed it in a nice way. Write on!
What I liked: I loved the way that you interspersed the poem with the story. It added an element of interest that would have been missing without that.
What I didn’t like: I found the multiple changes of point of view confusing in some instances, distracting in others.
Misspelled words: None that I found.
My suggestions: I would make the POV consistent throughout.
Overall: Good piece. You took a love story and made it more than just that. It was a good read and I look forward to diving into your port for more.
What I liked: I liked the fact that you had the courage to come forward and admit that this was your story.
What I didn’t like: Nothing.
My suggestions: A burn caused by the heat of a car hood would be a thermal-type burn, not a chemical burn. In order to qualify as a chemical burn, there needs to be a caustic substance involved.
Overall: You did a great job of covering a long period of time without the reader feeling that you were stinting the important parts. You gave just enough information to keep the piece moving without bogging down in the details. This is hard to do, and you have a talent for it. Write on!
** Image ID #1491283 Unavailable **
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/knitmouse
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 12:24am on Dec 31, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
