Excellent use of rhyme and assonance to structure poem. I also like your vocabulary: 'forsaken,' 'slumber,' 'slay,' 'plunder,' 'deployed,' and 'wrath' are all very strong words. Line 3, you need 'an' not 'and.' Line 7, you need 'an' not 'a.' Line 8, maybe make more concise: "These make us tremble"? Last line, perhaps capitalize 'Awakening' to give the idea importance? Also, could you explain IN poem what it's about so reader knows without your lovely introduction? Give examples of crazy people and crazy events (shootings by crazy people, ex., Aurora, CO and Tuscon, AZ and perpetrators, imprisonments of women in x places by x wackos) and how media's portrayal of violence encourages copycat crime or marginalizes mentally ill so they can't get help or function (mention x talking heads on x networks). Great start!
Well-written. When you develop it more motives and plot should become more clear. What caused the quarrel between the duelers (what did Rupert do or say wrong)? Is Rupert deliberately dropping down to in order to miss his opponent's bullet? If he has this plan, why's he measuring himself for a coffin or trying to find an old coffin? Make sure the reader knows what Rupert's "secret skill" is, and show don't tell. And please also describe the duel in more detail.
I like your first line with the numbers, and your symmetrical syllable structure, hour glass mirroring the passage of time, is very clever. That said, your other lines are weak. "... hours pass as / hands move" is blasé: maybe just describe movement of the different hands instead of adding hours pass, since we take the passage of hours as measured by clocks for granted. And when you say, "we/ wait for/ love to come," why should the reader care if the speaker finds love? You haven't developed this speaker's character. And when you say, "We need to seek!" is love the object of this nameless search? Part of the problem is you were so clever with the structure of the poem that you were caught up with that to the detriment of much everything else. Try to develop the sound effects in this poem too. Make assonances and alliterations and internal rhymes refer back to the first line, your strongest line, and maybe have another string of numbers and another sequence of things to look for or find in time. The first line actually reminded me of Mother Goose; why don't you read some Mother Goose and model this poem after it?
Good story-telling; such curious anecdotes make up a good part of daily life! I enjoyed your use of less commonly-used slang words like "bodacious," "hankering," "blimey," and "scallywag." They add flavor and fit the story, as where does the restaurant mascot using pretend-sailor slang. You used some good metaphors, such as "You could’ve heard a gnat buzzing around at 10,000 feet." I was amused to see such a big ruckus be made over something so small as scratched car-paint; perhaps you could have your narrator make a comic reference to that in the dialogue, without being too obtrusive? You also were clever in hinting at the return to normalcy by having Brooke refer to to the forgotten hushpuppies at the end; near the beginning she said don't forget them, so that clue shows the distraction is over. At the same time you still have some editing to do. Compounded words like "freckle-faced," "tip-toed," and "guilty-looking" need to be hyphenated, as I've done You also need to cut unnececessary words. Cut as many articles and indefinate adjectives (like "the" and "that") and forms of "to be" as you can. Also cut unnecessary adjectives and adverbs. For example, when you write "thundered," you don't need to modify with "boisterously" since that's already implied. And in some places you over-write, as with "I could see the man’s blood pressure boiling as the pirate continued to talk. He gnashed his teeth together and thundered as he pointed..." Why not just "He gnashed his teeth" instead of both that and blood pressure? As for the editing, it's easy to make typos and other errors. For example, earlier today I entered a story in a hurry-- I was going out-- and later found a typo, so don't take what I said about the editing too hard; just polish this solid rough draft and don't worry about it.
You're a good story-teller; I loved the details about the geese and swans (the swans being meaner than the geese) and the one swan, Lulu, who leads the reporters to the crime scene. At the same time, what were Lulu's motives in helping the reporters? Was the swan Frank's ghost or poet, or what? Also, you need to be less trite in your descriptions of the autumn colors, the same way you're unconventional in presenting the swans first as mean and then making a supposedly mean swan friendly. For example, in the first line "beautiful array of colors" is weak, although later your phrase "kaleidoscope of colors" is much stronger. Also, you need to look out for typographical characters; I caught them everywhere, especially punctuation, although I make them all the time myself and they're easy to do. Then you need to cut excess material. I've always heard cutting surplus helps writing of any kind, and it helps me all the time. That said, it's better to have material to cut than material to add, and it's better to have a story and grammar errors (unintended, not dialogue and dialect) than perfect grammar and no story. Good start!
Well actually, I think John would be justified if he retaliated for a smashed X-box... unless maybe he got a new one for Christmas. I've never had an anger-management class, but you have to wonder how often these counselors are trying to control your thoughts... for money. Are you ever going to tell us why John had to go to anger management classes?
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