This was well written and certainly creepy. I have a few basic suggestions that I think would improve it. These are not anything big, just typical minor edits and suggestions.
cotton flying all over the place - maybe "strewn about the place" or something like that. It had flown about, presumably, before the moment you are describing, but just then, it should have been done flying.
even the skin of a dead animal came under this category. - I think maybe you should drop the "even." Just "...the skin of a dead animal also came under this category" should suffice.
and well his own little finger - This doesn't sound right to me. "as well as" instead of "and well" maybe.
and he had passed it off as an accident, while in reality, he was experimenting - Take out the "and" and make this a new sentence I think. Maybe take out the "while" as well and make this two sentences.
He took out a piece of raw meat from the deep freezer and placed it on the table as silently as he could. He then touched the red meat with his hand. As he felt his fingers run through the cold dead meat, he could feel it breathing, as if it had life.
You wrote "meat" twice to describe the pork steak. I'd replace the second one with "muscle fiber" or the first with "pork steak."
far better than cushion or bread. - I think "a cushion" might be better here.
I don't like your ending particularly. I am a huge fan of the twist ending and this is very much expected. I feel bad for the old man and there is nothing redeeming or particularly interesting about the demented boy. Watch old episodes of Alfred Hitcock Presents from the 50s. This is one of the greatest shows ever made and very much in your line of writing. I'll put on here a link to one of my favourite ones.
Most episodes of the show can be found on Hulu. Not every episode is worth watching, but so many of them are there is no harm in watching them all. The show was truly great.
I can not help but to like this little epiphany or musing or whatever it is. I LOVE writing, personally, but I respect a person who doesn't. Very interesting that you're more in love with the physical act of writing than the grander process of writing. There is something charming in the tactile nature of handwriting. I would also be enthralled, I suspect, if I had better penmanship :)
You know, I don't ordinarily go for stories without unique and dramatic plots, but this story is wonderful. I could really picture these little old ladies. I've been thinking about old people lately for some weird reason. I guess because Betty White is on TV all the time right now and she reminds me a lot of my grandmother. But they have Betty White doing all these stupid comedy shows and saying audacious things you wouldn't expect to hear from a little old lady, which is really irritating. I really like the idea of the conservative little old lady, the loving grandma type who disapproves of all the vulgarity of contemporary culture. I feel like we're seeing the last generation of these types of old people dieing off. I have this odd fear that in twenty or thirty years, all the old people are going to be tattooed and swearing and reminiscing about rock concerts.
Anyway, I liked this story because it reminds me of the good old fashioned kinds of old people. I went to Bulgaria a while back and met a little old granny of my girlfriend at the time. She lives in a small town, has a little house very much like the one you described and a garden that she tends to most days. A radio but no TV. It's funny to me how alike little old ladies are all over the world :)
Hey Ambience. There is a lot of great things about your writing. I like the idea of this story. I'm assuming that Charlotte committed hari kari, but you didn't make that super clear. If this is what happened, I'd have simply inserted the discovery of her body quickly, maybe by Jackson Warren himself.
You also wrote "How did he know that the job he hated would be his last?" I don't understand this. Did he put something in his last column that suggested a premonition of the end of his life? I like twists, a lot. In fact, twists are kind of my specialty. I like this twist but I think you should write it out a little. Twists don't need to be the last word in a story. Sometimes that's good, but I think you can draw this story out. In fact, I think many parts of the story could be drawn out.
I think you have the potential to be a good writer, though. You're going in all the right directions. Keep it up.
This really brought me back to London for a few moments. This character is very different from myself, but it is of a type. I have a few friends who this story could well be about. It's a quiet moment and not terribly interesting in fact, but pretty well described. I like the density of detail here, not too little, not too much. I'm not sure I quite got the bit about the covalent bonding and the fingertips, but perhaps that might come later if the story is extended. Ordinarily I would have critiqued this for not having a beginning middle and end, but you wrote in the description that it's a "beginning." And it's a good beginning, to be sure.
Interesting. One thing about poetry that I have always disliked, but that seems to me to be part of its attraction to fans of the craft, is the ambiguity. In this way it seems a lot like contemporary art. Anyway, It's pretty clear to me that this poem is about fish, but maybe not. I make no assumptions with poetry. If anyone asked me if there were one thing in the world that I might imagine no one would every attempt to write a poem about "fish" might well have been my answer. Not anymore :) That said I think this is a successful poem. I don't judge poetry as I feel I have no right (having a universal distaste for poetry) however, I will say that it successful. I don't know why I think that, I just do... but I definitely don't dream about fish :)
When I think of contemporary poetry, this is exactly the kind of writing that comes to mind. It's full of rich imagery, a seemingly precise balance of common and uncommon language, loads of abstract metaphor and a good helping of ambiguity. I must add my usual disclaimer that I have a universal distaste of poetry and so my ability to judge one poem against all others is utterly lacking. My guess, however, based on the objective observation at the start of this review, is that it is good.
This was an enjoyable reminiscence. You did a great job of keeping my curiosity up, of keeping me wondering what it was that was following the boy. The only critique I have is that I'd have liked you to focus on the discovery of the source of the noise a little longer. Maybe make the boy realize more quickly than we do what the noise is. You suggest what it might be, but also that the boy isn't sure about it. We're sure before he is, even though it's him who discovers the source. I think he should be one step ahead of us here and that you should give the discovery one or two more sentences just to reinforce the import of the moment. It seems too glossed over.
Anyway, I really did like this. I ventured too far out many times myself as a boy. It really is a scary thing to happen when darkness sets in.
Eek, brutal. I don't ordinarily read poetry, but as I've joined the simply positive group I'm being forced to. I think it's good for me. A totally new experience (that's true. I've not been exposed to much poetry, even in college... I avoided it).
That said, this was a very difficult poem for me to read. I know that some men are just jerks, but sometimes we hurt women that we really, really don't want to hurt. Even so, we still feel guilty. Or I do anyway. I have friends who are plagued by the same guilt complexes. Actually I have a story you might like. It's really long though, too long for me to post on here at the moment.
Anyway, well done. You inspired intense emotions through this poem. I think that's what poems are all about, no? Well done.
I love this story. I love the setting and the "mischievous" young characters. It brought back a memory of when I was younger and had I visited a castle in N. Ireland. They had crossbows on display and no one supervising so my buddy and I snatched one up and took pictures of ourselves "defending the castle" in the window. It was great fun.
I'd have preferred the story to have ended with the death of the other tourists and the guide, however, simply for a bigger impact (no pun intended). Just my opinion though.
I know nothing about poetry. I'm a prose guy, but I liked this poem a lot. It really kept me engaged. I really wanted to know what was going to happen. You really only provided very brief dialogue between the couple, but their mutual affection really came across. I don't know how you did that. Very well done.
The only critique I have is a selfish one :) I am a sucker for a good twist ending, and for a split moment I thought the wife had died in her quest to get help. Ironic, eh? The reader spends a good chunk of the story hoping the guy lives and the wife, who you'd not been thinking was in much danger... I know it's tragic, but it would be such a great ending. I'm not sadistic, honest, just passionate about crafting great endings. You went halfway there with the loss of the foot, might as well go all in I say :)
I have a real problem with this story and I can tell you exactly what it is. I feel absolutely no sympathy for the character being burned. I feel a little sympathy for the narrator, but the witch is a complete stranger to me still.
I should explain that I read both this and the one from the witches perspective. This is really a review for both.
There should be some story within this story, something very small but very significant to induce sympathy from the audience. Traditionally, witches are women making deals with the devil, usually for revenge, or a falsely accused innocent. It's clear that you're trying to reinvent the witch here and make a good and sympathetic character who happens to have some kind of supernatural power, but it's only clear because you state these things. You never show these things.
Also, the people who are burning her don't seem bad. Clearly she's done some supernatural things but I, the reader, don't know what they are. I can't condemn the persecutors if I don't know the story.
I know this is really short, but I still think a really compelling version is possible.
The structure of this story reminded me of the film American Beauty. I hated American Beauty. This story, however, is not American Beauty. It's good... really, really good. As soon as they passed the gang bangers I knew the rest of the story, but it didn't matter, it was still a good read.
The only thing that would make this story better is by hiding the fact that the main character is telling this story whilst dieing on the floor of the convenient store. I really felt that I was robbed of a great reveal later in the story.
I'd suggest starting with this line, for the biggest impact:
Suddenly, there is Leon. He's leaning over me gently; giggling as he shakes my shoulders.
You'll be losing a couple of great jokes at the beginning, but I really think it's worth it. I know this won a contest, but I strongly suggest you remove everything before that line. It'll make this story so much more powerful.
Man, I love reading good stories on this site. It's so rare.
This is a difficult story to review as it's so very real. I really hate unhappy endings. I have a sneaking suspicion that this is a true story, of if this isn't a true story, that the writer is at least a nurse. Very clear detail and very compelling. Very sad. I really wanted this woman to win against her nemesis. It's just too sad. I understand the notion of seeing goodness in tragedy, the white light representing her going to a better place, and the notion does make me feel better when the character is very old, but when there is a husband and kids involved, it's just tragic. Well written, natural dialogue. I really felt like I was in the hospital. Just sad, sad, sad. Ugh. A great last line. You're a good writer.
Wow. I don't know if you're a published author or not but you should be. This is really, really good. I wish it had a more interesting ending, but I've kind of got a thing for twist endings. If you're not from a small hillbilly town, you've got a great talent for reproducing the vernacular of the country bumpkin. Hilarious. I have nothing bad to say... except for the lack of the twist ending. This story is just begging for it. Anyway, great story. Really enjoyable read. Well done.
I thought this was funny. I didn't really get the story, but it was definitely funny. It wasn't clear if the story was about two superheroes or just an ordinary guy and a guy who thinks he's a superhero (Howard).
"...non-creepy way to ask another store monkey..." really cracked me up by the way.
I was going to rate this, but I guess you turned the rating off or something because I've found that I can't. Anyway, It was a good story. Novel with a bit of supernatural eeriness that's kind of funny and that most women will probably love. One thing I thought was lacking was atmosphere. Each location, Darla's home, the location of the party, and particularly the "small" "funky" "out of the way" shop could have used a little more description. I wouldn't be afraid to draw the ending out a little too. Let us get to know Colton just a little.
Oh, also, this bit threw me at first:
"As he held her on the floor, he told her his name was Colton."
It sounded like Colton was having his way with her. I get that they were dancing, but it comes across a little otherwise.
Otherwise, a fine story. Good pacing, good characters, nice situation, satisfying ending.
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