I really enjoyed this piece. There were a few grammatical errors, but it wasn't a big deal. It was such a pleasant surprise to see the difference in the parents, and to learn a little bit more about the fateful day of adoption. I am very curious to see who this yellow, slit eyed man is.
There was a lot of dialogue in this piece. Not necessarily a bad thing, but I would have liked to see a little bit more action going on, as well as more descriptions to help paint the images.
One thing I forgot to mention on the first chapter, that really came into play in this piece was the image in my head of the main character, Kyre. I think a description of his human features should have been introduced earlier, because I keep having this mental image of a furry / more animal like person with fur, and a fox face, based on what I was expecting to see (the title of the story painted the image in my head).
I have three suggestions,
1: "Zena, a large wolfess" perhaps add ", or a female wolf person" or something similar. Just an idea.
2: Add in a little bit more about the benifits of WDC that have helped you improve.
3: Add a paragraph that explains your writing style. For an example, in my WDC Bio block I say:
"I consider myself a realistic writer. What I mean by this is that, despite the fact that I love writing about things that could NEVER happen, I try to make seem as real as possible. I like to give reasons and explanations to the extraordinary." I could elaborate on that a little more, as well as add a note that I like to try and describe settings, rather than bog down my writing with too much dialogue.
I really enjoyed this chapter! It was a little slow at some point. Roughly when I got to the stepmother conversation I was a little bored with it, but continued on, and I’m glad I did. There are many small errors that could be fixed by running it through a word processor, but here are a few of the first ones I noticed.
snatch a rather delicious looking pastry from a over crowded bakery in the town
an overcrowded
Every now and then glancing at the reflection of the face that people seemed to hate for no reason This sounds like an incomplete sentence to me.
he would glance at the reflection
reaching for the hodded jumper
Hooded
Kyre reached the bottom the stairs
bottom of the stairs
-----------
Other than all that I really enjoyed the story. I was looking for a story on foxes that wasn’t erotic or sexual.
On a final note, I really liked the powerful words you used to help paint a mental picture.
Like: bounded, annoyance, rushing thoughts
Use more of them to help perk the reader’s interest.
I see that it was last modified 12-2006, but still I wanted to speak my mind. You’ve been offline since June, so hopefully you’re still hanging around. :)
Not sure what kind of review you're expecting, but I’m going to try and offer something. I found that it was refreshing to read a story from the perspective of something non-human, although I also found myself wanting to know more of what Dave was thinking. Perhaps going into more detail on why some flowers appealed more than others would help accomplish this. It would also extend the story’s length a bit. Since I enjoyed reading about the day of a humming bird, I was sad to see it over too soon. I hope to see another day in Dave's life!
It is true that you can't take a bullet and just blast all the bad things away, but people are using metaphorical bullets all the time to cause anger, or happiness. For example, I'm married, and if I get in an argument with my wife she's very likely to shoot me down. But at the same time my own actions caused her to.
These days a lot of people don't think about their own actions. It's quite normal, for most people it's as simple as satisfying a need or want. But if I have a need for a parking space in a parking lot, and I steal one someone else was about to get, I've satisfied my own need, and denied someone else's. In a lot of cases when you help yourself, you hinder others.
Think also, that if you do something to help someone else, it encourages them to help themselves. I just watched the movie Pay it Forward for the second time, and thought it kind of relates quite well. I would recomend you see it if you haven't.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/krishna_defier
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 5:27pm on Nov 27, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
