I enjoyed reading this story from beginning to end. And that's what writing is all about. The missing fingers that itched at the start and then no longer at the end was a good connection.
As I read the ending, I had the feeling that I had only read a piece of a larger story. If not, I think you should expand on it.
I like the fact that you make the reader figure things out like Max killing Spell's father without stating it. And what the heck is in that God Box? And I guess the copper is for weapons, tools or cooking.
I like that his name was ordinary but the child was called Spell, and he couldn't read.
My only criticism is that I would have liked to hear more about Rullytown and its people.
Hi BlackAdder, I felt a true sense of escape while reading your story, and I need that right now. I liked the way this tale unfolded, giving bits of interesting information slowly and effectively.
I couldn't figure out if L'tarka was human or animal but then realized she was a mutation or something more human than animal.
You definitely kept me interested. I don't have any tips for improvement. I was engrossed from beginning to the much enjoyed, circle of life, ending.
Great essay and great storyteller. I loved the indi-pens and the song about thunda. Family tales are the best. I could feel the warmth. I can't imagine having babies at twelve or living within a large family. You painted a family portrait with words. I enjoyed every line.
You have a beautiful writing style. It's unique and fresh. I loved the beginning. It pulled me into the story immediately. I didn't have to wade through blather, it flowed and made me want to read more. I want to know about Rohno's tears, so I will be coming back for part 11. I haven't reviewed a story in a long time and I am very rusty at it. I didn't see any spelling or grammatical mistakes, but I don't always catch my own. Good luck, I think you definitely have an ethereal subject that you certainly do justice to.
Hi Voxxy, I found your advice on characterization very useful. I made some notes and intend to take my character shopping, to work, and on car rides.
Describing my characters has been one of my writing problems. I tend to describe themin an informational way instead of letting them unfold throughout the story.
Thanks for all the writing tips. I now look forward to giving my heroine more depth.
Hi TBird, Your short story about a crazed stalker was positively chilling! You did a great job in illustrating each scene. Each description, from grade school, where he leaves her a small red heart in a book, to standing in her bedroom and watching her sleep, were edge of the seat scary.
looking forward to more - to be read only by day. Always Anya
Hi there vqfarrold, I read your three vignettes and found them very entertaining.
I loved "Ugly Dog," and especially enjoyed your description of Emmie's tail and how her hind section moved when she wagged her nonexistent appendage.
"Can ya Spare Two Dollars" is a peek into the seedy side of life that many of us may be aware of, but do not interact with. I like to think that there are people who will go out of their way to get coffee and muffins for these poor unfortunates. I thought the ending was funny, sad, and probably true. A little gem of a story that was well told.
I like the whole idea of vignettes. They are a little slice of life that gives the reader a miniature view of the big picture. You do it well and I hope you wrtie more.
Hi Lou, I found your story on Random Read and the title sounded interesting. You told a great tale in few words, something that I have tried to do without much luck.
"I told you to never, never lift the rug," she gasped. That short sentence was chilling. Right now I'm thinking that I'm glad the ground floor of my house is on a cement slab - cause bits of dust falling through cracks in the wood could give me night terrors.
I loved your descriptions of the weather and the home. Judging by the setting, I had the feeling this was story took place in Maine.
The superstition in the story gave it a somewhat true feeling, because it's always based on some fact no matter how small.
Altogether, an enjoyable read that I will use as a guide in my endeavor to write a short story in less than 250 words.
Always, Anya
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Hi Ms Kimmie, I learned something here that I didn't know. Non members can link our stories to other sites for many people to read. I don't like that and will be using my option to block non-members.
Concerning your poll on rating, I find it difficult to give a low rating to a story or poem. Sometimes, I get the feeling that members will purposely put up a few sentences (that is not part of a contest) of something really bad just to see what rating or reviews they get.
I am a realist, and maybe there are times when I miss the pure art in another's work; I don't want to sound harsh and give a bad review because the whole point might have been lost on me. Especially when I see others giving the piece high ratings.
This is my explanation of why I would rather give no rating than a bad one.
Great story! I could not stop reading. Although, I am not a fan of old houses holding horrific secrets, this one was different and well worth reading.
Carolina was a sympthetic character right from the start; even though she was a cold blooded murderer. The writer gave her warmth and kept this reader wishing some one would throw her a crumb of kindness.
I loved the description of the old house. It definitely took on a life of its own and in the end, it was the house that stopped the evil killings.
I also liked how the writer was forced to write the story; even in his dreams, he could not escape this unfolding tale of horror.
Hi J.R. and welcome to WDC. I found your story on Read a Newbie and thought I would check out your attempt at "show don't tell." Although not an authority on the topic, I thought you did a good job of showing.
I don't mean to be picky, but you did say you wanted to practice show don't tell, so one little part I noticed was: "a few fake plants" You could have added dusty plants with some discarded tissues tossed in the make-believe dirt. This is trivial and really not important to the story; just something I noticed.
I like your writing style and the way you insert little bits of humor at serious moments.
“Amy is doing fine. Your daughter is not here yet, but the doctor says Amy is fully dialed, whatever that means.
That line was truly funny!
Danny was ignorant of what happens in childbirth, yet he was there in the waiting room and wanted to be part of his daughter's life when she arrived. He certainly took the reader through his range of emotions, and left me with an understanding of what it must be like for a young man with no ties to his soon-to-be family.
You also showed how immature he was, but at the same time, he wanted to do the right thing and was willing to take care of his daughter and wished he and Amy could reunite.
I thought Danny's reaction at the end of the story was spot on, but I think the nurse could be tweeked a bit more. This is just my opinion, but I would go more for a heart stopping blank stare rather than:
"The nurse seemed to glare at him and stood there stiffly." (just a suggestion)
Lou, when I saw "Woolworth's," I couldn't wait to read your story. I was prepared for some fantastic tales of shopping with your mom or your friends along with feelings of nostalgia for a time that few remember and many would love to relive with you.
Please reconsider and write a full story about this store that looms large in our memories.
Hi Jersey Boy, In answer to your question, yes I have wondered, felt, found, listened, and loved your poem for reminding me that I often do these things and they bring me great joy.
You brought back happiness to my heart in remembering the things I do in my life sometimes without thinking. Those of us who stop to smell the roses also have to be reminded that the fragrance should be relished and held close.
Thank you for the sweetness you bring, Always Anya
This was so truthfully written and so deeply touching - maybe because I understood the pain. It's a very lonely life when your friends sit down to dinner at night and you kind of scrounge around in the fridge because nobody is there in your everyday life.
Mothers don't realize what a sacred place they hold in the lives of their children. They are creating memories from the day their children are born, and they should make them count.
The writer states that they will "kiss away their pain and dry their eyes" Bravo for breaking the chain!
I was just going to rate and run, but I guess you would have been puzzled by a 5. rating without a comment so I'll add a few words.
This was an exceptional story about love unexpressed, but more than that, it was so well written that I could picture all the scenes and the characters.
I found this gem on Patrick's list of favorites, and if this is representative, I intend to go back to the list and read them all.
The twist at the end though unexpected, fit in with the plot and added another facet that caused me to go back and take another look.
Your words seem to come from a flowing pen, Anya
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What a powerful story! I felt every emotion throughout the telling of this tale of, I am guessing the 1950's. I also went to someone's apartment every day after school to watch television, and I remember also having to behave and leave promptly after the show was over.
The selfishness of childhood is neither right nor wrong; It is an emotion that seems to be beyond their control. Death is a difficult concept for a child, and I don't think they get the feeling of total loss.
Everything about this story is honest. From the not really remembering Donald to the anger felt towards him for cheating you out of your television.
This was not a happy remembrance, but it was told with honest emotions.
Hi Magoo, I loved your poem! First off, I could just picture this praying mantis looking around the room at all the other insects. Sort of like a picnic and they were the food.
Some of your lines were right on and really made the story come alive (creatively speaking, great! Pictures in my head, yuk!).
"I took it to class and showed the teacher,
she was excited to see my creature.
There I saw caterpillars move real slow
and a firefly with a gorgeous glow.
I saw bugs hover like army choppers
and the strangest flies and odd grasshoppers.
I saw ants and crickets and June bugs,too.
The classroom became an amazing zoo."
I can see this as a children's story with wonderful illustrations of all these insects who had to scurry and fly away from this mean mantis.
First of all, I am sorry for your loss and hope you can find peace in the reconnection with your children. I know this is cliche, but time really is the best healer. The more time passes the more perspective you will gain.
I guess everyone handles the passing of a loved one differently. When my father died, I had nothing but good memories. However, when my mother died, I was filled with regret for all the missed opportunities of time and forgiveness we could have experieced.
I am going to respectfully suggest that writing more about your family and yourself in this piece might have been beneficial to helping you heal and would also given the reader a clearer picture of what you were trying to convey.
Hoping you find peace in the New Year, Always Anya
Thank you for a great tour through Great Britain and Paris! We have future plans for England so I appreciate all your comments and the heads up about the walking distances between some of the sights we want to see.
Your comments about the Chunnel were really appreciated because I have no intention of travelling underwater in another country, so the fact that you felt it was:
"unspectacular, but then again, not sure what we were expecting from a long, dark, underwater tunnel. Not exactly a glass-domed affair with sea creatures like Shark Experience at Mandalay Bay or anything.
That humorous description made my day and confirmed that I don't have to experience it.
We were in Paris in June, 2010 and agree with what you wrote and would like to add that we had crepe suzettes near the Eiffel Tower and were not impressed. We've had much better at the South Street Seaport in New York.
We did, however, ride the Metro in Paris. We got lost with no place to buy another ticket, so we crawled under the turnstiles (oh yes we did!) much to the shock and amusement of many onlooking Frenchmen. In New York you hop the turnstiles, but we did it the senior citizen way.
This is a strange story about Adolph Hitler as a boy, who is forced to eat his vegetables by his overbearing father and his sympathetic mother.
The vegetables serve as a theme that weave through the story as Hitler matures. He wants to eat meat, but there is no meat because of the wars, so he must eat vegetables.
The vegetables seem to have some symbolism in Hitler's life. He feels that he must stamp out all vegetables.
"He wanted to rule over little people because obedience was the primary rule of conduct – and they would have to obey him, no matter what. He would dictate the world and crush all the vegetables he saw in front of him --- anyplace and anywhere. No one would ever grow vegetables again. No more vegetables in this whole wide world! Never!"
This is a very thought provoking tale concerning the life of Hitler that I am not sure I fully understand, but it was worth reading and rereading.
Hi edgework, I hope you laughed out loud when you read the review of your poem. As a review, It certainly stands alone and speaks for itself. I can see why it's your favorite.
I read the review page to give myself a better idea of what to put or not put in a review. I have my favorite reviewers and I always look for them. I have also improved my writing by reading a review and then reading the story that was reviewed. This may sound backwards, but it works for me.
I enjoyed reading the review of your poem and thank you for sharing. One question though, I am not sure how to rate this review. Do I give it a 1 or a 5? (Because it's so bad that it's good).
P.S. I love all your caveats about your reviews and will be requesting a review from you after I review, rewrite, and revise my story a couple-a ten times.
Anya
I thoroughly enjoyed these ten vignettes about Christmas and Hanukkah from the point of view of a Jewish person at different stages of her life.
I was happily surprised to find that these stories were not fiction, but in fact they were all true happenings. I loved the tale about the Christmas and Hanukkah parties for the two-year-olds. Evan playing with the truck made me laugh. Children are just who they are, and that's why we have so many funny stories to tell about them.
The historical background was very informative and interesting. I loved the part about summarizing the Jewish holidays by:
"They tried to kill us. They didn't. Thank God. Let's eat." That cracked me up!
Thank you for sharing your holiday stories, Anya
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