Your focus character's urgency gave the piece a brilliant sense of pacing and intrigue, whilst the introspective frame of mind gave it honesty. I liked the plot, and the dialogue; if any alterations could be suggested, they are a personal preference of added personality to both of the characters introduced, and lighter, easier-flowing speech. A lovely work, I enjoyed it thoroughly.
Great theme, I like your writing style and setting, and gripping characters. I felt like I knew your protagonist personally. However, you seemed a little stiff and distant at times, though I think I solid read-through would fix that.
Very nice imagery, I like your writing style and large impact with such little word count. I wasn't sure about using the word carcass in the final stanza, or the word emotional before the word door in the first. But, that may just be personal preference.
This piece has the potential to be very good. You have a higher sense of language, and your knowledge as a reader comes through in your illusion, representation, and ambitious theme. It had surprises, which is good, but I felt you might have been slightly repetitive in some key phrases and terminology. A quick read-through from a reader's point of view would in all likelihood remedy that. Also, throughout the piece, but mostly towards the end, you lost some of the slow, descriptive stance that would really bring out the allegorical, eerie theme. I think it would make more sense to your readers if you took a little more time, and showed us, not told us some of your major plot points in the young man’s journey along the transient nature of life to death.
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