Nicely done! Very vivid imagery here, you use words well to paint a clear picture for your reader. I like the contrast between the modern hospital delivery room and the characters with wings, and I'm curious to learn just what kind of creature they are. Keep up the good work!
Again, you do well with visuals here. I can clearly see the horse-demon in my mind. However, while the pace of the story is good, it's lacking in depth. By this I mean that your characters have no background to tell the reader who they are and how important they are in the tale. There really ought to be some kind of stage-setting for the world you're creating and for the people who inhabit it.
Keep up the good work though, because your story has potential!
I enjoyed your story - you have a good grasp of fantasy and of the language, and you paint a scene well with the words you choose.
My only comment would be that the viewpoint needs a little consideration, as it seems to jumps around a bit. I'm not a fan of the third person omniscient viewpoint because it reveals the author. Only the author can know what each character is thinking, and that puts too much space between the characters and the reader.
Oh - and "adrenaline" is a contemporary modern-day knowledge that doesn't fit the theme of this story. A rush of hot blood in his cheeks, or something similar, would convey the same message.
Keep up the good work! And I hope this has been helpful to you
I enjoyed reading this piece. You use words very well to paint a picture for your reader. I particularly like the second paragraph, it's a very strong visual piece and I can clearly see it in my mind.
The only comment I would make is that there is a little too much tell and not enough show. It takes just a bit too long for something to happen that catches the reader's attention. It might be better to have her actively doing something while she's reminiscing. It doesn't do to lay out the character's life story in the first chapter, it's better fed to the reader a bit at a time.
Keep up the good work though - your grammar and sentence construction are excellent, as I said you use words very well. Good job!
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