I love your vivid imagery and expression of emotion. My favorite part was the ending when you bring past and present together. I also love your relation to the Biblical story of Genesis. Additionally I like the multiple expressions of Gabriel and really imagine personally that this is how he probably would react!
I encourage you to keep writing and sharing love.
What a wonderful and unique expression of telling others not to judge people from the outside! I think your poem is very expressive and filled with emotion.
What would make it more powerful is to use punctuation, I learned this from looking at other's whose poem received good ratings-observed how they made their expression using , - ! ; or ...
Very nicely written. I can imagine and perceive intent. I would recommend only two things:
On the 10,11,12 line are pronouns referring to the mysterious one, so I might find another way to say it.
On the 13 and 14 is the word blood and I would make some variety there and for sure the poem would flow like never before.
Hope this helps
This poem is unlike any poetic inspiration I know, very unique and thought out with the way you integrated the color for meaning of fighting the battle of faith. To better improve your wonderful piece i would encourage you to do the following:
-Try to decrease your repetition of saying the same word or word phrases, get the meaning across with a variety "green was the sister, a friend was green"
-Be a little clearer on transitions of the colors and what they mean - the theme
-use punctuation to get your meaning across of the emotion you want your reader to get.
- finally, I got lost when you used black the second time. I would use it only once to give it more power for the representation of hardening the heart. It would impact the reader more.
I hope this helps you with your masterpiece.
I LIKE THE TOPIC THAT YOU HAVE CHOSEN OF SOLITUDE. IT IS VERY CLEAR THROUGH OUT YOUR WRITING. THIS IS WHY I FEEL IT DOES NOT NEED REPEATING SO OFTEN." MAKE THE PRESENCE BY DESCRIBING IT, NOT SAYING IT" IS WHAT SOMEONE ONCE TOLD ME AND IT DID MAKE MY WRITING IMPROVE. ALSO I WOULD CONSIDER REMOVING THE I'S AND YOURS. CHOOSING ONE POINT OF VIEW OR A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT POINT OF VIEW.
I HOPE THIS IS HELPFUL TO YOU.
Very deep and thought provoking, gripping. There is only a few changes I would recommend you to consider...
SKIN that shouts louder than the angel that declares its birth- I would use a different descriptive due to the fact that skin doesn't shout...describe his skin (ebony skin that demand that an angel declare his birth-
He will be born with questions: ( i would end with a question mark).
The poem would flow better if you would consider another way of saying she and she'll and not use it repetitiously or leave it out if it is easily understood. I would also have you consider breaking it to stanza's according to the flow of feeling and change in subject.
Very interesting and unique. The only thing I would change is one word "he aimed his ear...' i would consider the change in the word aim. It is just a thought. Great post.
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