Disclaimer: This review is brought to you by "Invalid Item" . Thank you for entering our contest! Please take our reviews as constructive criticism. All opinions stated in our reviews are just that - opinions. All of our suggestions are meant to build you up as a better writer, but ultimately, the choice is yours to do with your writing as you will! Smile
Rules - Rating: - bItem format: - Word Count 1,000 – 5,000: - Word Count included in the forum message: - Word Count included at the end of story: - Prompt: - Prompt Bonus: - Bunny Bonus:
Overall Impression - I really enjoyed reading this piece as there was a calm serenity in the words. The beauty and simplicity of the realization of loves gifts was very touching and I was very moved by this story.
Plot/Imagery - I thought there was great imagery here, but there were some sentences I had to read over because of the length of them and the over use of commas made it distracting, but I don’t think you missed a portion from allowing the reader to fully see what you saw.
- I enjoyed being taking through the realization of life’s gifts and seeing the gorgeous canvas it painted through the writers eyes.
Character/Flow - There was a good flow, although I felt the impact the sentences could have had were stolen by the over use of commas and maybe the missing words some sentences had. For example:
“A family of rabbits break from the brush, starting and stopping, as they make there way across the hilltop.” It could be phrased as this: A family of rabbits also break through the brush, I watch their constant start and stop as they make their way across the hilltop. Sometimes, reading your pieces out loud can help to create the flow needed for the most impact.
- Try not to use such big spaces between paragraphs because they too can distract the reader.
Technicalities (Grammar, Punctuation, Etc) - I think there is an overuse of commas in this story that I feel can distract the reader from the beautiful piece this is, as well as a lack of a comma in certain areas. Such as the following: - There is no need for a comma after ’coffee’ in this sentence: “The air is cold and the hot mug of coffee, steams between my hands,…” - There is no need for a comma after ’turkeys’ in this sentence: “A covey of turkeys, breaks from the woods,…” - A comma is needed after ’up’ in this sentence: “Nature is waking up as am I.”
- There were a few areas that I felt were missing a few important words to complete the sentence. Such as: “I wish what it would be like…”
Additional Thoughts/Encouragement - I really loved the message of this story, the realization that love exists in the simple beauty we tend to overlook at times. Very touching reminder to look with open eyes and a deep breath.
- Do look over your work, some times pieces need a few edits and a new set of eyes to get it right.
Thank you for submitting your piece to "Invalid Item" . Good luck in the contest and we look forward to seeing your submission next round!
~Please keep in mind that this Rate and Review is purely my opinion. You are free to disregard any or all suggestions given here. Thank you for sharing your work and giving me a chance to review it.~
Overall Impressions: ~ I have to say, I really wasn't expecting this in any which way... although I am impressed, quite impressed. You were able to clearly bring the reader in and allow them to feel the energy, emotions and thoughts of the hitchhiker. I don't want to know why or how, but it is amazing that you were able to really express the mind frame, the twistedness of it and bring it to an understandable level. It really was a very enjoyable read and the ending was a little unexpected. There is no question why you received a ribbon for this piece.
Technicalities/Suggestions: ~ None
Most Loved Part: ~ What I loved most was seeing a different side of the writer and his ability to bring the reader into such a tale with great talent.
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