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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lanajo
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15 Public Reviews Given
15 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Lana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Sal,

This slice-of-life vignette is imaginative. Your title is perfect--it draws the reader in, and relates well to the material. This vignette seems to be the beginning of something; rather--it could be the beginning of something. At the same time, it's complete in itself. You don't describe individual participants, or give a reason for the group's existence and this exercise, but these details are inferred, to some degree, by the information you do give. Frankly, though, I don't know what one could do with a piece of writing this brief! *Smile*

Description in this writing is excellent. Consider building on this, as it would make a very sound foundation for a short story, or something more complex.

This writing is sound with some need for editing. When separating items in a list, the item preceding 'and' needs no comma.

She brought monkeys, butterflies, baboons, and elephants.<---incorrect

She brought monkeys, butterflies, baboons and elephants.<---correct

Clauses are the building blocks of sentences. When a sentences contains one or more independent clauses, it should also contain punctuation. Take a look at this sentence:

The words spoken by friends become like your own thoughts and you consider each statement as if it were your own idea.

For more information on this, see Clauses at Guide to Grammar & Writing--

http://grammar.ccc.commnet.edu/grammar/clauses.htm...

This site also contains information about separating items in a list with commas.

A shooting star fails to create a commotion, rather silence falls over the group as each wishes for a true love, a direction in life, or to finally find happiness.

Try punctuating like this--

A shooting star fails to create a commotion--rather, silence falls over the group as each wishes for a true love, a direction in life or to finally find happiness.

or this way--

A shooting star fails to create a commotion. Rather, silence falls over the group as each wishes for a true love, a direction in life, or to finally find happiness.

Do you need those two 'A's'?

Straightforward is one word. See: http://onelook.com/?w=straightforward&ls=a

This vignette shows great promise. Voice in this writing is pleasing, and your sentences flow smoothly, creating a vivid picture with an admirable economy of words.

Thanks for sharing, and I wish you success!

Write on,
Lana *Heart*
2
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Review of Lonely Hearts  Open in new Window.
Review by Lana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Hi Engima,

I don't know that I've ever seen text centered in the body of a short story. It's disconcerting! *Confused*

You express the plight of your characters well. Samantha and Darwin seem made for each other, but you add complexity to the story by making her run from him. Just when it seems she's destined to be alone, Darwin comes to her rescue.

Your plot is somewhat predictable. Do the pieces of your puzzle fall into place too easily? Samantha's extremely rude to Darwin, but he doesn't seem to mind at all. All things are possible, but all things are not plausible.

Then she becomes pregnant. Despite the fact that her mother--and his wife--died recently, Samantha's father throws his daughter to the wolves. (If Samantha's parents stayed married for longer than ten years, something held them together. Samantha's a juvenile, so her father is legally responsible for her.)

Samantha's on the street a few hours, and Darwin, who has no resources of his own, appears to save her. Will Darwin's crackhead aunt allow Samantha to move into her home? How will Darwin and Samantha support a child? Is love enough when an infant is sick, hungry and cold?

The story's paced well. You're very skilled at writing dialogue, because it deepens characterization, and it's believable.

The writing is wordy, but description is top-notch. Here, for instance:

Her name was Samantha; she had long brown hair that blended beautifully with her lightly tanned skin.

Good job!

If you're fond of this story, consider expanding it. Tell us more about your characters, and how they became who they are. What happened to make Samantha's dad so heartless? Samantha seldom eats at home since her mother's passing. Where does seh get her money?

Darwin approaches Samantha at her table. "The young man picked up his wallet." Why did he lay his wallet on her table?

You might try placing thoughts inside italics. That way, it will be clear that the thoughts are not spoken dialogue.

You're off to a great start. Keep at it!
Lana *Heart*
3
3
Review by Lana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Ann!

Lyrics are not my strong suit. For some reason, I seldom hear the music. *Frown* Consequently, I have tremendous respect for lyricists and songwriters.

I'll review your lyrics as poetry, bearing in mind that they are lyrics.

You use memorable imagery. Staring into your eyes as he strokes your hair, "shackles of my mind"--lovely. The words flow well, and each line transitions naturally to the next.

Does "you've" work better than you in the second line of the first stanza? I think 'you' would make the line smoother, and try as I might, I can't see a difference between the two.

And 'that' in this line--

I hope and pray that we will never part,

Is it necessary?

The following line disrupts rhythm, in my opinion.

Glad of your gentle strength and your love for me.

If you omit 'your', would the line be smoother?

If these were my lyrics I'd also delete the oft overused 'that' from the last line.

I've read this several times, and I begin to hear the music. Good job! *Thumbsup* I'm sure these heartfelt lyrics are deeply appreciated by your husband.

Write on,
Lana *Heart*
4
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Review by Lana Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello Nina Cahill!

It's difficult to believe you're still a teenager--not that I doubt it! The complexity of this writing is suggestive of someone who's been pounding the keys for a very long time. *Thumbsup* Well done!

Description is this prose is powerful. Fantastic! Enchanting--I could go on and on. Mesmerizing also comes to mind. Your plot is predictable, but execution of the storyline is original.

There's quite a lot of wordiness in the writing. Words such as 'had' and 'that' abound. Many of these words could be deleted, and the sentences would still be clear. I once tended to overuse these words. When I began my final edit, I used the Edit/Find feature of my word processor to chase those monsters down and destroy them. *Smile* In time, I learned to eliminate them prior to writing them, which is a good rule of thumb.

I made notes as I read, but I did stop making notes at a point somewhere prior to the end of the story due to a need for extensive editing. As one writes it's easy to begin to "live" the story--and that's often where problems sneak in. I'm left with that impression because your initial paragraphs are nearly perfect. A sentence-by-sentence edit often resolves these problems. I have a method for doing this: if you're interested, let me know.

I invite you to use or discard these suggestions according to your discretion. Your story is truly incredible and memorable, and I wish you luck in the contest!

Best to you,
Lana *Heart*


Notes:

Virginia willows<---if this is the name of a tree (Virginia Willow) capitalize both words; if not, omit 'Virginia', as the story is set in Louisiana

with the occasional curious gator serving as toothy sentinels<---gator is singular; sentinels is plural

Rolling one glassy eye at the pirogue, their<---one=singular; their=plural* current escort sunk<---sank* below the surface

Three travelers entered the bayou to deliver their cargo.<---"entered" seems to contradict previous text, which places the pirogue on the bayou prior to this

None paid any mind to the white sheet<---awkward...consider...No mind was paid to the white sheet

None wanted to see the blooms of warm red blood<---again, beginning a sentence with the standalone pronoun "none" is awkward...consider...No one wanted to look at (see=passive)

Grief, rage, pain, and sorrow<---when separating items in a list with commas, no comma is needed after the word preceding 'and' ... Grief, rage, pain and sorrow

mingled with the night-blooming jasmine scented<---jasmine-scented, as the compound modifier precedes the noun

through the bayou rather that<---than* the prostrate form

was a tricky thin however<---thing + comma

feasted richly upon the <---suggest...insert pirogue's* occupants

the preternatural silence of the night (bayou.)<---omit; unnecessary*

Life came <---suggest...insert...as* easily as death here

It was even rarer that the body belonged to your mother.<---As an aside, strictly for your information, I knew this already.

Ella watched the life and death struggle overhead and recognized how the strong always prevailed over the weak.<---try...watched the life-and-death struggle, and recognized how the strong always prevail over the weak

theme for her to see<---comma, to separate two independent clauses* as it had been

If she was honest with herself<---this introductory phrase is unnecessary, in my opinion...she's being honest with herself *Wink* ...and in this sentence omit both instances of 'that' ... omit 'just' in last sentence this paragraph

marred by a madness that he could have neither predicted nor controlled.<---marred by a madness he neither could have predicted nor controlled?

It wasn’t as if he hadn’t realized<---rewrite for clarity, possibly break into two sentences or use semicolon

How could you blame a person for being unable to stop<---consider...How could blame someone for their inability to stop...
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