Your poem made me smile. I would have given it a 5 but the title is misleading. Although the purpose of a title is to get a reader interested....hmmm okay you talked me into it ; 5.
Good job and good luck
this made laugh out loud. I can hear the argument they've had because I've had it many times with my husband. At least the wife in the poem is not one of those ,"If you loved me, you would know me," kind. Her wisdom (and his) are in the last lines.
The only thing that really bothered me was the second line. The word incest (in the second line) is such a hot button loaded word that it made me stumble a little. And it seems out of place with the tone in this poem. Surely there is another word that would go with text.
Interesting poll. I voted for increased health as I think that my weight would drop making me more physically attractive and more sexually appealing. Sort of killing several birds with one wish. I almost chose intelligence but that is not the same as wisdom so I took a pass on that one.
cool poll it really made me think
Lani
I enjoyed this. I actually laughed out loud in my office alone. If clean up some of the grammar, especially in the last paragraph, it will be darn near perfect.
example "setting" should be "sitting" and "Gets out of the car and slams the car door." seems to be a fragment. I'm no expert but those are the things that hit me.
Anyway, great job and Merry Christmas to you and your grans
Ouch was my first thought.
On reading this, I thought "OMG who would say such things to any bride?" but then I reread it. Yes this is just what an evil mom or dad would say. Or perhaps the jealous sister or "best friend."
You call it a rough draft but I find no errors in grammar or rhyme. It fows wells as well as burns with some bitterness.
good job
The Bible says the one thing that God cannot do is lie. As a Christian, I am never going to be enough without the sacrifice of Jesus. His sacrifice covered my sins. If the "real Jesus" came to me saying I wasn't enough even with my surrender and following Him then I would look for the "Father of Lies" Satan to behind this trick.
Awesome poll. It made me think again about what I believe and why.
I love this story. I think you followed the prompt perfectly in that its not the usual hitchhiking kind of story. And cool twist and turns throughout.
Good job I see why you won the Writer's Cramp today
I didn't get all the British slang but once I changed Tescos for Wal-Mart and Linford Christie for
Jeff Gordon (NASCAR racing) I got it. Sorry but I'm one of your roadblocks. I have to read lables, check prices and generally amble when I shop. I have arthritis in my ankles. I read lables for allergies and prices for bugets. Maybe you need to slow down or allow more time for shopping. But then what would you rant about and what would I read? Interesting rant. I enjoyed it.
I like the idea of this poem and I think you have the beginings of something good. The structure, I think needs some work. There is no punctuation, but every first word is capitalized. This makes it seem like every line is a stand alone sentence. And there are no stanzas, no breaks to cluster ideas.
Everything I've become,
everything I've done,
it's led me to here.
Living in shadows,
hiding behind walls,
the world is a scary place.
Unwanted,
unloved,
I feel so empty.
This is just my opinion that this will make the poem flow better. Use what you can and throw out the rest. I like the poem overall and like I said I think you have the start of something good.
Beautifully written and heartbreaking. It is as I always suspected. Men feel so much more than they let us know.
I would have rated this 5 but this misplace he that I think needs to be changed to a the jarred my reading.
That word, and the predicament it alleged to, had shifted the boundaries of her privacy, and he fact that she did not seem to understand that made me feel powerless, resentful.
I liked this at the beginning. You paint vivid word pictures that make me see the story unfold like an old black and white western movie.
I started having problems with this sentence The next thing we know man and beast separated in the air. This is the first hint that the narrator is in the story not over it and it jarred me.
I liked the allergory of the Boss as Saul becoming Paul, but not every part of the story has to be word for word. I understanding him hating Christians. It makes sense, yet having them thrown in prison? Dragging them from prison to prison? He has no authority. It seems out of place and unnecessary.
And the narrator in the middle of the story? Apart of the Boss' antics I would assume. How did his life change?
A good story with great wordcraft. And lots of potential.
Good Luck
Lani
I cautiously like this poem. I say cautiously, because the target is a little vague. Now I like vague in poetry as in letting the reader decide what the poem is about. However, with this much passion and anger, it seems the target should be more focus.
If you are slamming "perfect Christianity" as in the hypocrites who go to church every Sunday and look perfect, but behind closed doors are not then I applaud you. Like some of the televanglists and their scandals. If you are slamming all of Christianity then I have a probem. Or maybe you do if that is not your intent. And as you say in your disclaimer.
As to the structure and word choices, I found it an easy read.
I like this so far but I need to ask some questions. Is this fanfic? The name you are using are unusual. Should I know them? do you need to explain to your audience why Xander has foster parents or where the setting is for this story? If it is fanfic maybe not and I am not the best one to crit and review for you. If this is fanfic, you have to decide if this story will stand on its own as is.
Sorry if this rambling, this is just off the cuff from the gut review. I like it so far. Keep going and keep your audience in mind
Lani
It's very good and an very interesting start for a story. My only concern is that the musing and dialogue is a little more grown-up than I would expect for an 8 year old. I'm not a mother and its been a long time since I was 8 so take that bit with a grain of salt.
Good job. I hope to see more
Lani
Awesome story. You're right. There is always someone poorer, meaner and trashier than we are. For some reason we take comfort in that in fact instead trying to help them. How many ways can we break God's heart?
Anyway good job I enjoy your work
A critic and a cynic. I liked this poem. The subject is something I can identify with and the form flows. I cannot identify the form used as I am not as familar as I would like to be with poetry types. I am more free verse. However, I can appreciate the time and the work that went into this piece.
Good work
Lani
I love this but I wouldn't have started it if I had know it had been about 2 years since you posted. I am hooked so I hope your promise of the best is yet to come is true.
"A Stalworth is unable to resind their promise no matter how much they yearn to do so."
So is Reginal plotting or is Robin the second son staging a coup with a minister as the mysterious voices? Shawn maybe is really the bad son? No these stories don't work that way.Told ya I was hooked.
I love Princess Slim and her easy character but I missed getting her age or that she was the eldest girl. Maybe I skimmed it.
Good work Keep writing
Please
Lani
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lani
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 3:58am on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
