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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/laylao89
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27 Public Reviews Given
31 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by RadioShea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Elizabeth,

I believe you said that this is a true story, and as such, it may be difficult to pare down and write tight, eliminating any unnecessary details. That is mainly what my suggestions below encompass. You actually have a very good grasp of the English language.

I liked the opening paragraph. You pique my interest in wondering what this change is and why it's coming.

'my classmate who who' - remove one 'who'

I know you are going for authenticity by including the verbal tick 'like' in the dialog, but it is a distraction in reading, so I'd recommend omitting them.

'and so could her' - change 'her' to 'she'

'I realize I'm biting my lip' - since she actually mentioned this a couple of paragraphs above, it doen't make sense that she just realized it.

'my teacher Margaret waltzes into the room' - 'my teacher, Margaret, waltzes' - Also, this seems rather unusual that a teacher is on a first name basis with her students.

"Did you hear about Brianna?" (H)er eyes

"Are you okay?" she asks. When it's clear who the speaker is, try to refrain from saying, he said, she replied etc. This makes for tighter writing and moves the story along at a faster pace. Cut as much unnecessary description around dialog if it doesn't move the story forward.

'and I all I feel' - remove the first 'I'

"We're loosing control,' he informs me. - "We're (losing) control." - take out the 'he informs me'

"That's stupid," he scolds. - Because he's laughing I believe he's not really scolding, more scoffing at the thought. Perhaps '"That's riduculous," he scoffs.' would be a better?

'I think about how perfect I must look from the ground'. - As they are high off the ground, would people actually see her, or the balloon?

'Crying means people asking questions I don't want to answer.' - I like this line. It stuck out to me.

"Yeah," I agree. - Again, it would be tighter to remove 'I agree'

Try to find stronger verbs in description to cut down on words. For instance, 'building up to be so tall that they don't fit inside anymore.' - 'so tall they're ready to burst'

Be careful of redundant ideas as well. As in the sentence above, in your next paragraph you mention being ready to burst again. Though you use the words 'don't fit inside' it has the same meaning.

Then in the next paragraph - 'And then, suddenly, I feel something inside me burst.' Since you've been building up the feeling of being about to burst, I would remove 'suddenly'. To make it tighter perhaps - 'And then, it happens' becuase we already know what she's been going through.

Regarding the rolling backpack, it doesn't seem necessary to tell the reader how she got it last year even though her friends told her not to. Again, try to edit out these types of details as much as possible so as not to lose your readers.

"Mommy" sounds a bit too young for her to say when starting such a serious conversation.

The mom says "Rosie" and then Bri says "Lizzie', which is a little confusing. Might want to explain why her mom calls her "Rosie" - is that her nickname?

Please feel free to ignore any suggestions you don't feel comfortable with. These are merely my suggestions as a reader and writer. Good luck with your writing.

~ RadioShea
2
2
Review by RadioShea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello SM,

I really liked this. It completely hits a nerve for the way businesses handle customers now. Unfortunately I find "old-fashioned" customer service nearly none-existant - I have to fight for my clients evenin the company I work for sometimes. We are sold products, and once these companies have our money in hand, it seems they feel their commitment to the customer is then over - and then they're off hoodwink the next customer.

It's degrading to people and sometimes a depressing truth in our society - companies don't CARE anymore. Greed reigns over virtue and ethics - perhaps this is part of the reason our economy is in the crapper right now? Thanks for sharing.

Radioshea
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3
Review by RadioShea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Georgiawill,

We recently bought a house on four acres of land, and I find myself transfixed with the trees as they sway together in the wind. Your poem really summed up the feeling I get when I watch them. I love your second line:

Leaves to waves of blissful greens.

My only suggestion would be, I'm not sure zephyr has to be capitalized, unless this is not referring to the noun meaning 'a warm wind', but some sort of personification.

Thanks for sharing.

Best regards,
Layla O'Shea
4
4
Review of Grab The Harpoon!  Open in new Window.
Review by RadioShea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello 4Provinces,

I'm so glad I came across this. I love it. Occasionally I will have a reviewer point out a couple of fragmented sentences, and it kills me because these were done purposefully to evoke a certain mood.

As one who possesses an English degree, I tend to be a grammar Nazi, but even I know that sometimes these rules need to be broken in order to bring out the author's own voice.

Thanks for sharing.

Best regards,

Layla O'Shea
5
5
Review of Common Good  Open in new Window.
Review by RadioShea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Gene,

This strikes at the heart of the problem in our society. Too true do people have a "me-first" attitude, to the point where people do not even bother to know the names of their very neighbors for years on end. I think you should take your case of the "common good" out on the streets. Though venture capitalists may muddy your theme with the term communism. You may find yourself President someday.

Radioshea
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Review of Death, Inc.  Open in new Window.
Review by RadioShea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Artemis the Spy,

I love the two characters you have created here, though I am a bit puzzled as to what Quintal's fate is at the end of the story.

Great job in the grammar dept. I only have 1 suggestion...

"In an instant, they had surrounded Quintal and Death and were shouting in a language Quintal didn’t understand"

Here would suggest either putting a comma after Death, or just split it into 2 sentences altogether.

I found this line very humorous...

"If there was one thing Waterstone was known for, it was his liberal use of violence and bloodshed to achieve his goals. And if there was one thing Quintal was known for, it was his tendency to cry at a liberal use of violence and bloodshed."

Nice job. Thanks for sharing.

Regards,

Layla O'Shea
7
7
Review by RadioShea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Bill,

I found this story very interesting. I found no noticeable grammar or spelling errors, and it definitely holds the readers' interest. My only suggestion would be to stick with contractions in the dialogue, as people tend to speak using contractions. You do so most of the time, but there are a few spots where you don't use them that distracted me from the story.

Such as "It's me, your husband," rather than, "It is me, your husband."

or

“No, it can't be. It wasn't my fault. I was tricked!" rather than “No, it cannot be. It was not my fault. I was tricked!”

That's my personal preference anyway. Other than that, I thought it was a fine story. Thanks for sharing.
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Review of The Horse Lords  Open in new Window.
Review by RadioShea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I really liked this beginning. I can really see the scenes as they unfold as your descriptions give us plenty to envision, but not too much.

Your characters are already developing nicely. I only have some grammar and spelling errors to point out:

"Samira shakes her head at this minor sandstorm in the tent as it moves to join their parents for breakfast leaving his bedding all over."-This was the only sentence that I had to read a few times to understand it. I believe it needs a little rewording or at least a comma after the word "moves".

Samira teased as she sat down and observed her brother's eating habits.-You could probably leave it at "as she sat down" for we know from your previouus sentence that she is observing him eat.

"Here's your breakfast Samira." their mother says as she hands the bowl to Samira.-There should be a comma after breakfast. There should also be commas at the end of quotes when your sentence is continuing. You have a few spots that have periods in the quotations, but the sentence continues.

"Here's your breakfast, Samira," their mother says as she hands her the bowl.

The corral is empty an(y)way.(,)" Samira answers

"Do as you must then. See you at midday(,)" (h)er parents both chime in as (she) Shamira exits the tent.

"There's (There're)the foals!

trying to feel with her heart what (which) she should choose

but he just dind't (didn't) feel "right"

(still) in awe of her little filly still.-I think the placement of the word still fits better here

remembering "the look" (his feelings) of awe and amazement of when he had bonded to Skiro.-He didn't actually see himself, so I would use his feelings here.

wat(c)hing the girl and

My only other suggestion would be, though you have done a great job keeping with the tense, You'll notice in most fiction that many authors choose to write in the past tense. Of course, there are always exceptions, but I find reading in the present tense more difficult as a reader.

Other than these minor fixes, this was very enjoyable and I'm looking forward to seeing what happens next.

Thanks for sharing.

Regards,

Layla O'Shea
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9
Review of Raining Color  Open in new Window.
Review by RadioShea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Excellent visualization and description. I like how you used the words watercolor, storm drain, and ocean in the same sentence and made it seem like poetry.

I have only a couple of grammar fixes.

"in a constant rhythm through out (throughout) the day"

and your whole story was in the past tense, so I think you should stick with that in your last paragraph)

"and the last thing I remember is (remembered was) a wave of floorboards and plaster"

Other than that, very well written. Thanks for sharing.
10
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Review by RadioShea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
This is the first time I've used the Edit Points, so I hope they come through.

I felt like there should have been more to the ending to sort of bring the story together. It seemed rather abrupt. Was there some particular reason why she feared this farmhouse so much? Maybe an experience she had with it in the past?

Your piece is well written and I can tell you have a good grasp of writing. It just feels to me like this story could go a lot deeper.

Thanks for sharing.
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Review by RadioShea Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Sad story. I liked it. Kind of makes you wonder what situation one will be in when their spouse dies. It's something we don't like to think about. I have a couple of grammar suggestions...

This has got to be the worst case if (OF) the flu I’ve ever had

And you (YOU'VE) been having these nightmares,”


That’s what the Navy wanted from you, right? to be willing to kill for your country. (You use a lot of lower case letters after question marks or periods, like in this example, but perhaps this was intentional)

undescribable (INDESCRIBABLE)

The one part I found that might use a little work was the use of the attendent:

“Hey, you wanna come check on your husband,” he said. “He’s been in the bathroom for a long time.”

If he's been in the bathroom for such a long time, why hadn't she gone to look for her husband? Also, how did the attendent know she was his wife? I'm just telling you the questions that came to my mind upon reading it. I would find it more believable if she started worrying about how long it was taking George and have her call him through the door and when George didn't answer her, then she would retrieve the keys from the attendent with an obvious sense of foreboding.

The overall story is quite good. Thank you for sharing.
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