Very well said. I have been a member since 2008 and just upgraded to the premium membership. I LOVE this site and used information from this site as I taught middle school special education students (I was teaching language arts at the time), and that was when I was on a FREE membership. I am now writing a children's book that I hope to publish one day so I up'd my membership for extra "bells and whistles." Don't let the unappreciative souls out there get you down. This is an AWESOME site whether you are a casual "Free" member or a more committed "Paid" member. Write On!!!
This is a very sweet poem. The rhythm and rhyme make it very pleasant to read. Mechanics aside, the story itself is like a "comfort food" in a poem. It gave me "warm fuzzy" feelings as I read it. I had that when I lived in Texas by myself. I loved my little home. Now I dream about those feelings again as I am a caretaker in my mother's home. The hectic races has moved into the walls where I abide. In it's own way, however, it is still my cozy little home. Very nicely written.
My First Thoughts: I love reading about animals and their life and activities so I was interested from the start. I was not disappointed...
My favorite Part: My favorite part were actually seen through-out the story. I enjoyed the description of the different animals you encountered and the setting in which you observed them. You painted a picture in the reader's mind of what you were seeing and feeling.
Final Thoughts or Suggestions: Very nicely done. These memories will now be around for you to share with family and friends for generations. Keep on writing about your experiences. You will be glad you did!
This is a very nice poem on moving on. I like the rhythm and rhyme. The one suggestion I might make is in the 4th line. The rhythm is a little forced. If you change it from ... your abilities have a wide range; to ...your abilities are wide ranged, or ...your abilities, wide ranged...
I think the word "change" in the previous line should be "changed" and a simple typo in the last line... "you"
I really love the poem and the sentiment it brings. The changes are simply my point of view and just a suggestion. Great job!
Interesting story but a little hard to follow at times. I understand by about half way through the story what is probably going on, which is good, but the banter between the "patients" was just a little hard to follow at times. Did this story have a 300 word limit? If so, that would make sense. If not, a little more detail near the beginning might help a bit.
I like this story but I had a little difficulty keeping the "he" straight. When "he" referred to the "lovers" and when "he" was referring to the husband. After reading it a couple of times it made sense. Maybe that was the intent. It was a nicely done story, especially for a "quicky"... lol
I love this poem!!! I have felt that way myself with a very good friend. It describes very well how many women, or men for that matter, feel in the arms of a very close friend or partner/lover. You have captured the feeling very well. I also like the repetition of the phrase "When I am in your arms". Very nicely written.
Very interesting story starter. You have done a good job of setting up the beginning of a story and the anticipation and suspense your have built in the narrator lead to many, many different directions this story could go. I really like that. The mysterious man could be a blind date, a biological family member newly found, an underworld character she is meeting for something sinister and she is having second thoughts about going through with it... The possibilities are endless. Nicely done.
One thing I did notice, in the third and last paragraphs you used the word "sat" when it should have been "sitting".
Overall, very interesting piece.
You posted this as non-fiction. Was this a personal experience or one that had been told to you? It was nicely written. The was you described the man's fear was good. I could feel the suspense building through the story. Your closing paragraph was good to as it ties up the entire story with how the incident impacted the main character's life afterwards. Good job.
Thank you! I had been having a very hard time setting up my signature. Several people had given me instructions but they weren't coming out right. I am techie so this was driving me crazy. Your step by step directions worked perfectly! I hope it looks good in emails and posts to.
I am so very sorry that you had to go through all that from such an early age. I was a teacher for 20 years and a Foster parent for 5 of those years. I understand your pain as I counseled and helped several teenage boys deal with the hurts of the Foster care system. Several, as adults, still call me mom. I am sure writing this was therapeutic for you but also painful as you remember the things you went through. I would recommend that you go back to this piece and expand on each event as you are able. Read it out loud to yourself reading each sentence one at a time. I do this with my own writing and find many sentences that didn't come out quite the way I wanted them to. This is the kind of story that can be very helpful to others that are going through similar circumstances. Details on what you were thinking and how you came to the decisions you did may help other Foster kids get through life without making the mistakes you might have made.
I liked this story very much. It caught my attention from the beginning and held it all the way to the end. I also liked the way you added the last couple of sentences to wrap it up and leave the reader thinking and wondering. It let the reader's imagination run wild. Very nice job.
This is a very good story, I really liked the double twist at the end. I was sort of expecting the first one but not the last one... lol. The only recommendation I have is that you go back and re-read it for grammar errors. When I write a long piece like this one I tend to get tired near the end and rush the ending. I also have a tendency to make many more grammar errors closer to the end. I think I am just excited for the ending and get a little careless. Then when I am done I just brush my hands together and it's done. Of course, that is just me but... Just look it over again carefully, especially near the end.
Again, very good story!
Cute... You need to read each of your couplets out loud to make sure the rhymes are true and the cadence is solid. There should be the same number of syllables in both lines of a couplet. A few of the rhymes are a bit of a stretch though. Check on those to see if they are truly necessary for the poem. If they are, tweak the rhyme. It has lots of potential...
This could be a good story but it does need work. Though there is a place for setting the scene with description so the reader can see what you see, you need to be careful you don't get carried away. You have many sentences that are far too long and border on run-ons. If it was my story, I would cut many of the sentences way down in length, Choose only the descriptions that are essential to the plot so the reader doesn't get bored and put it down.
This paragraph, "She opened the door and ushered him inside. The house remained, some new furniture in the foyer, a lamp here a shelf there, and her paintings had doubled in number, but the record player still laid in the living room, the jukebox aged, covered in a layer of dust. The book shelves filled with upturned and dog-eared literary volumes. Steinbeck lay open next to a volume of plays by Samuel Beckett, the room smelled stale of memories, and the dying lilies rested in a vase of browning water upon the end table." is truely a bit awkward. Though I know what you were trying to say, it didn't come out as you meant it to be.
As I said in the beginning, this is a good story with a good plot (and one I can relate to a little too well). Work on it a bit... It has potential.
Ok, that was really cute. I think I would have liked to see a few more questions and answers from the kids. You could have gone a little further with the humor there. In life, kids will ask just about anything without shame. There is a lot more humor there just waiting to be had. Gramps could also mess with the boyfriend a little before he leaves.
Overall it was good though. Keep on writing.
This is a GREAT beginning. It really kept me captivated all the way through and that is a really good sign. It has very minor grammar errors, but it is a work in progress, so that is to be expected. (Mine has several grammar and spelling errors that I have to go back and fix) You have incredible talent for someone so young. You definitely have a future in writing and I can see you going very far! KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!!! I can't wait to see what happens next...
That was a really cute story. It reminded me of the time I found the jar of peanut butter under the bathroom in my teenage son's bathroom. He never could figure out how it got there... I enjoyed it very much!
WOW! that is all I can say is WOW! I was totally drawn in by your story. Is it based on a real life incident or totally fiction? I love lighthouses and that is what originally drew mw to your story. It is really great.
This was "interesting" to say the least. For me, it jumped around to much. It was hard to follow. Once I seemed to know where your "train of thought" was going, it jumped the track. You could use the ideas in this story and transistion the "flash backs" and random thoughts better to keep you r readers from getting lost.
When I first started to read this story, I was intrigued by the use of vivid descriptive words. You did a great job of helping the reader paint a picture of what you were seeing in your mind. The problem i had, however, was after a while, I became very bogged down by the adjectives. My brain went into descriptive overload. I think if you went back cut back on some, but not all, the adjectives it would make for easier reading.
I think this story has a lot of potential. I really liked the twists; I never expected the ending to be as it was. I think I would have liked to see a little better flow between the different sections of the story. There was also one sentence in the beginning that I seemed to stumble over. It was hard for me to make sense of what you were trying to say.
The sentence was, "Melanie had been hurrying to a Halloween party, which was why she was wearing a black cloak and long black skirt; her witch’s hat she’d carried in her bag, which now lay abandoned where it had fallen in the struggle." I think maybe it should be two separate sentences.
It could be: Melanie had been hurrying to a Halloween party, which was why she was wearing a black cloak and long black skirt. Hher witch’s hat, she had carried in her bag, now lay abandoned on the ground where it had fallen in the struggle.
I hope this helps.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ldalca
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.11 seconds at 10:30am on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "