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Review by Lee Edwards Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A nice start but it needs refinement. My stuff always needs 5 or 6 readings and I'll still find errors after that.

One thing I find annoying when I read is the overuse of a person's name. This may be a personal thing. I have heard pros and cons on the subject in several forums. I was reading George R. R. Martin yesterday and noticed he would use a name more than once in a paragraph but sometimes not at all. One of your paragraphs uses Lorynd's name 7 times and 5 in another. There are a couple of things you can do to reduce the frequency.

One requires previous setup. As you describe your character early on make sure there are unique characteristics you can use. In this case here Lorynd's surname is the same as the king's. This would mean to me that he was a lord, a duke or an earl. The ship's captain should have been using the title anyway. Using this early on gives your also character more depth. Later you can refer to him as 'the duke' instead of using his name. Physical attributes can be used if the are unique to the character. A scar, a one armed man, etc. The important thing is that it is clear who is speaking and acting.

I have some nit-picky stuff too.

The telescope was invented in 1609. The medieval time period ends in 1499, the first time cannons were used in a ship's battle. Obviously, this is medieval fantasy and poetic license is allowed so I don't really find fault with this but one should know the background of their environment.

Next, if the mountains were so large why couldn't the captain see them clearly through the telescope.

I take it the the name Gaea was used by intent. (I used the name for a toon I created in a game I play). If not the coincidence is serendipitous. Gaea is mother elemental of earth and mother of Titans in Greek mythology.

All in all, I found the story interesting enough to want to know what happens next and that is the most important part of any story, does the reader want more.

I have one final piece of advice. Read your story out loud. It doesn't have to be to an audience, you can do it alone. We speak at a rate of 150 words per minute and read at 250 to 300 words per minute. The difference is because we scan when we read, not really paying attention to the actual words. By reading out loud you will find more of your mistakes.

Good luck with the rest.


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