This is the most beautifully-expressed and moving account of the loss of a baby in utero that I have ever read.
Rather than dwell on her sheer agony, the writer conveys her deep sadness with expressions of love and life. These pertain to the baby while she still lived and after her 'fleeting' life had ended. It is clear that the mother is sustained by her belief in God and the fact that one day she will be reunited with her babe:
"Were it not for thoughts of you and joining you someday,
the chasm of my sorrow true is where my heart would stay."
To me it is amazing how many words and expressions of positivity are used in this poem on the topic of such a painful event:
"precious"; "divine": "full bloom"; "self assured"; "strong"; "safe and loved and warm"; "sun" ; "joy"; "leap"; "treasure"; "free"; "laughing" "shining".
I liked the rhythm and flow of the first verse. The verse also gives us a good clue about the message you intend to convey in the rest of the poem. The second verse follows with logic and clarity. The last verse sums up your previous statements to consolidate your message.
The sequence of the poem is good.
Personally, I think that the death of the rose is not a tragedy which should make you weep; it is a reality, which which makes you think - it is your inspiration for the poem. Nevertheless, you have poetic license, and I must admit that the first two lines drew my attention to this item.
I fully approve of the resolution to eat more cake. That sugar boost sure makes a happier person of the Karley who can't enjoy life because she has to be slim. There's some humour, and an element of delight for the sweet-toothed reader, in "Eat more cake". There would be none in "Eat more" or "Stop dieting". I like the idea of a relationship between Karley and cake, the metaphor of cake being a friend.
Note spelling: 'losing', not 'loosing' (Loose means 'not tight'.)
TGIFBIGTEC is a fun and realistic notion. It also shows, Karley, that you don't intend to go wild eating cake. You've decided to allow it as a once-a-week treat. Sensible.
In terms of psychology, the above is a good approach.
OCD is to be avoided. You don't have to throw away your calender; just reduce the number of items to do by half. You're right. Better that than death!
Note spelling: ' Throw out' not 'Throughout', unless that was intentional.
You are OCD but don't have a pathway on the flloor to your bed? Strange, but you know what to do this year.
Kill spiders this year??? Umm ... no comment.
Finish you novel only if you want to, Karley. If it's worth pursuing, do it. But if you've lost interest in it, don't be hard on yourself. If you decide to abandon it, reward yourself with a piece of cake. That's good medicine for OCD.
5 Keys to Happiness: There's a bit of a contradiction. You are telling yourself to loosen up and to take control!
'Love the only one that loves you'. Is that you, Karley? Go ahead. Love yourself and be kind to yourself.
The answer, dear embattled friend
Is they must for their own selves fend
It's hard to let your standards drop
But why should you be such a sop?
Soldiers want to live and eat
Infantry must use their feet
Let them work as true men do
Tell each one to do his due
"Set the table, that chair there
That's the ticket. Do your share.
Enjoy the fare
Enjoy the cheer
Afterwards the shrapnel clear."
You, dear author, cleaned the house
You, dear author, you made it bright
You, dear author, did invite
Now you sit down. Enjoy it! Right?
Dear poet
It's a great passage. I myself did a barbecue for the extended family yesterday.
As I greeted them goodbye, aching and wilting, know what they said?
"It'd be great to have another one soon!"
I hate them :)
I am not sure about the meaning of this poem, so I am interpreting the way I understand it and am going to review this as if it is symbolic of an experience in the author's life.
She feels as if she is bound by chains into a situation, be it life in general or a relationship with a man. She has the feeling that she must escape this and venture into something different, and plans to do so.
She doesn't mean to harm anyone to a great extent, but in escaping she does so. This wasn't part of the plan.
She doesn't escape with impunity. Her past chases her to in order to catch up her and get her back. The escape is not easy.
She takes her chances and continues to run. She comes across unexpected pitfalls.
My feeling is that she actually escapes with another man whom she likes or loves. She doesn't know what the future holds.
The poem has an intensity, created by the symbolism of prison, chains and guard. There is further intensity and drama in words such as 'dagger', 'blood', 'bullet', 'raging'.
The constant reminder of "This wasn't part of the plan" reveals that she didn't expect what in fact happened and what faced her. The world outside her own previous world is fraught with unknowns and obstacles.
'This wasn't part of the plan' gives a good rhythm to the poem.
I was once asked by an Honours student to proof-read her dissertation. I was horrified by the clutter of unnecessary commas and commas incorrectly used. I scratched them out, left right and centre.
I thought about how I could help this student. Eventually I told her to leave out all commas, unless they are needed to clarify the meaning of the sentence. Her writing improved.
An influential bank in my country has the slogan: 'simpler quicker faster'. I think that this is the way the world is going.
I believe that one can leave out many commas without sacrificing any of the art of writing
I am a Thurber.
Thank you, spidey, for raising this interesting point.
You have successfully conveyed how lonely the seamen are, how they long for someone or something, and finally how loneliness can bring out some bad characteristics.
You evoke a haunted atmosphere with your idea of each seaman having only a ghost from his life to dance with. At midnight, after they lose the ghosts that fill their dreams, there remains no heart nor soul, just tinsel, plastic flags and balloons (though the latter at least dance).
"their arms drop to their sides" is a strong image of helplessness and defeat. They just cannot have what they would love to have.
I see a lot of alliteration - in fact I hear it, and it is effective as it gives a kind of rhythm to the poem: "deserted dance"; "balloons that bounce"; "laps and licks"; "Midshipman matron mother"; "cat at cream"; "backsides into cabins and bunks".
The repetitions of 's' in "sailors stop spinning" sounds and feels like spinning.
There is beautiful use of metaphor and simile in "The water laps and licks its tongue like a cat at cream and the breeze whispers breath rings to the moon." ( 'breath rings' - how beautiful!)
"whispers breath" is onomatopoeiac, as is "laps and licks".
"bobs and dips" has the precise rhythm of bobbing and dipping - and of course the rhythmic breathing of the sleeping men.
The last phrase, "hugging their pillows in desert island dreams", sums up the poem in its many aspects. The soldiers would like to hug - not a pillow, of course - but a soft pillow is as close as they can get. They are far away and lonely; it is as if each man is on a desert island by himself. And they dream ........... of what they long for.
This sad account of a mother's struggle to save the child within her womb has a lot of merit.
It is informative.
The idea of writing about the outcome in the first paragraph was good as the details of the birth and, unfortunately, death at once rouse the sympathy of the reader, who is then eager to find out more.
Finally, the personification of Grief as an onlooker was excellent.
Any woman who has been in labour woud say that this is a good description of one of the many variations of the event
My sympathy goes out to every woman who struggled to give birth to a healthy child, only to see it die.
I find the structure of this item interesting: The words drop, and they they drop even lower. I assume that that is what happened to the narrator during postpartum depression - her emotions dropped to rock bottom.
The idea of writing about the experience in an allegory is unusual, and the choice of allegory is highly suitable: Birds sometimes reject their newly-hatched chicks, and a woman suffering from this type of depression would not bond properly with her newborn child and would be tempted (or forced by her condition) to reject her baby.
It seems as if the narrator gave birth to twins and rejected them both (at least for a while) because of her unfortunate postpartum condition. When one continues how exhausting it can be for a mother to look after a single baby, it is understandable that the general needs and nursing demands (the bird could not sate her chicks) could be unbearable for a mother, especially if her hormones are playing up too.
Knowing a little about postpartum depression, I can well sympathise with this "Mother Bird"
I laughed out loud at this one! "Ace of hearts.......with a still-smoking hole through the middle. There are two Aces of hearts in a pack, after all, so you're not a cheat, not half, you bastard!
It's a completely convincing, well-written, cowboy-poker story, complete with spurs, hat, swearing, pistola and Break-Top.
Consider whether the first three words are needed.
Firstly, every "break-up" brings sadness - at least to one of the parties.
Secondly, it is seems that your relationship ended acrimoniously, for why else would it have ended with an sms?
Thirdly, one wonders how much real communication, and therefore deep understanding there was between the two of you.
If even one percent of your relationship was conducted by cell phone, it was not based on a deep understanding of each other.
But this is speculation.
I think your poem is a concise summary of the end of your relationship, and an illustration of how a cell phone can help to distance oneself from an unpleasant task. You attempted to give form to the poem with the repetition of "I'll" and the rhyming. The poem ends as suddenly and bluntly as your relationship.
I like the words "punch" and "slap". They highlight your disturbance, impatience, frustration.
Oh, yes! The poet lives music - this is not a typo - and exposes its grandeur with imagery which affects the reader's senses most beautifully and convincingly.
But who is the 'she' who misses this life? I do not know.
Has she died? Perhaps she was the poet's mother who either never grew old enough to experiences the achievements of her child, or didn't have an appreciation of music. Or perhaps this mother left the household of her own free will, or was forced to leave it.
Was 'she' a sibling or friend who left this earth too early?
'She' could have been a lover who rejected the poet, and in so doing missed out on the exquisite sensations that music brings.
Any of these persons could now be dreaming of long ago times and faraway places.
Have you ever considered that being a Super Mom can actually harm your children?
Let's imagine that you keep your house perfectly clean, tell your children what to wear for fear of them being mis-matched, stay on top of the laundry and dishes.
Now your children are grown up and ready to leave the home and are faced with a huge shock: Who will clean the house? Who will tell them what to wear? Who, in fact will launder their clothes and have them ready to step in to? Who will wash dishes after they've eaten?
Not them, as they've always had it done for them. They won't cope and, furthermore, might put great pressure on their spouses to get the job done.
As for volunteering in their classes .... Twice a year or so would be fun. But let them be independent and grow their own personalities without the fear of Big Brother Super Mom.
I haven't read your current story. Nevertheless, I do not agree that this story "sucks".
It tells me quite a lot, actually. I'm in a happy (or rather, content) marriage, and sometimes wonder what goes wrong in other marriages. Having read this, I have a better understanding, and I found it in the last sentence of your story.
Everyone, I assume, enters a marriage intending to make it work. But "everyone" is only half of the deal.
This 'beginning scene', which you apparently rejected, is in itself a story, and an eye-opener to the naive.
Thank you for opening my eyes and making less smug.
The story held my interest as I was reading it, which indicates that it has merit.
First I was waiting to find out what Monica's punishment would be. When I read about the punishment I thought that Mary must be psychotic and that she would think up some other weird punishment. I read on to find out what it would be.
Is this a dream? I think it must be. When I am asleep and my bladder is full I have dreams about peeing. Eventually I wake up and go to the toilet.
I am also thinking that Mary could, in fact, have been a sadistic or at least nasty mother, for what else could have caused such a dream?
On the other had, perhaps Monica has a particularly low esteem which manifested in this dream.
Finally, although the term Black Friday is known to be a busy shopping day because of the low prices on that particular day, I see a symbolism in the word "Black". This was indeed a black experience for Monica.
A strange story, and perhaps very readable because of that.
It seems as though you are referring to the young teenager who simply wanted education for girls - not only for boys - and was shot for her broad-mindedness.
You describeher would-be killers and fellow-kinsmen as having "hollow-hearted darkness of brains".
I like the comparison of the girl "with soul so mature,brain so mature" to those "who are slaves to their narrow ideology."
The third verse is ironic in that the men who are so strong (in their hatred), are actually afraid when a girl "does nothing but speak of equality."
To my mind, and the author's, the country of the protagonists has been terrorized for too long "By hollow hearted men who believe hatred is the answer"
The enigmatic "Will clouds gather to wash the streets with clean rain?", to my mind, will not happen, unfortunately - so deeply do the men love to hate.
The poem, if I have interpreted it correctly, is non-fiction. It is based on a recent, horrific incident. Let us hope that "humanities child, who now suffers in pain," will eventually live a normal life, and above all, be educated.
A caring and true poem about a topical incident. It is clearly written, in free verse, To some people (including me) this poem is very meaningful and sad.
PS: Please le me know whether I am on the right track or whether you meant to convey something else.
The metaphor :
'The paint brush is a razor
the canvas is her wrist.
She adds a little texture,
with the teardrops from her eyes.'
is excellent, and in fact is the substance of the poem.
'...with her smiles and gleaming eyes',' seems macabre. Is it meant to be?
This poem is a reminder that death is the great leveller, that in death nobody is greater than anyone else, and that generally the only identity a dead person has is a name and perhaps a faded phtograph.
My interpretation of verse 4 is that living people may gossip about someone who has died and whom they consider had a bad reputation or "dark secrets", and that others are inspired and enthused by certain "people they left behind".
The use and repetition of the colours black and white are very effective. Not only is black and white relevant to the faded, printed names and/or photographs of those that once lived, they also emhasise that the colour which existed in their lives (such as personality, achievements etc ) is no longer apparent to anyone who didn't personally know them.
I like the positioning of verse 4.
The poem is simple and its message is clear.
Would you kindly confirm whether I understood it correctly. I would appreciate like to know whether you intended to convey anything else.
As I was reading this story, I couldn't understand why it had never been rated. Then I saw that it was written only today!
After reading only a few words of the first sentence, I realised that your writing meets, even excels, professional standards.
This story interested me in every way. The road and the gruelling climb up to the home undertaken by Peter every week, were excellently described. Then came the touching tenderness between Great Granddad and Peter.
In hindsight, the end of story was predictable, as Great Grandpa carried out his will one hunded and ten percent.
Thank you for a very enjoyable and thought-provoking read.
Verse 1:
'gossamer chain' and 'dangling' indicate the dangerously fragile state of our planet.
Verse 2:
The inhabitants of the world need to come together to mend the world.
Verse 3:
Now it seems as if a force separate from man, an evil force, is determined to fell the world, and does so.
Verse 4:
The only way to recover is to rein in forces from our very own bodies (our bones, our skin) in order to break away from the state of suspense and 'move forward' towards a better situation. There is a race against time to save ourselves/the whole world, or we will drown.
I base my review on the above interpretation and my own insights into the deeper meaning.
Today man's is not safe from other men, and the the eco-system is threatened. We're hanging from a "gossamer chain". This is a perfect analogy to emphasise how tenuous our situation is. 'Gossamer chain' is also beautiful imagery to convey a sense of delicacy.
The author uses the word 'weld', which indicates the strength, or extent, of repair which is needed to save our planet.
"Wings' and 'parachute' are very appropriate terms to describe what is needed: Man needs to raise himself above hatred and wrongdoings and, metaphorically, wings would do this, The people and planet are in desperate need of help. We have fallen. A 'parachute' could save us.
Do I sense a bit of humour in the word 'rum'? It could be humour, or an allusion to the fact that we have all been as silly as drunken folk to allow ourselves to get into such a precarious state. I would love the author to explain his/her intent.
The final verse refers to the way man has turned a blind eye and a deaf ear to any signs of danger to our existence. That is why we thought 'things were going so well-'.
My only doubt about the poem is the repetition of the cutting of the chain which holds the world before it plummets down. How come the gossamer chain is cut in verse 1, and then again cut - this time with a machete - in verse 3?
To me this poem is extremely relevant to our existence today, It's meaning is enhanced by good personification, imagery and metaphor..
I think this poem is very appropriate, particulaly at this point of history, when everything is so uncertain.
The words are simple. They make the poem easy to understand and to identify with. They describe your struggle to relax, to foresee your future, and to find your path.
I like the metaphor: "colour of my sky".
The wording seems to have come easily and naturally to you, and there's a certain flow to the poem because the rhyming is not forced.
There are a lot of possibilities for a title to the poem, and I think it should have a title. Think about it.
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