I read your article with interest as I am currently studying Criminology with a focus on Sociology at university as a mature student. I have long been fascinated with "people watching" and now, by taking the time as you have to actually think why people do what they do, a whole new world is opening up!
Some comments for you which, depending on your ambitions in this area, may or may not be of interest.
- What is the location of this coffee shop - country / state? Is it a downtown location or sleepy town? Was it a work day or weekend? How do you think behaviour would change between a busy chain coffee shop in a busy city area to an independent coffee shop in a suburban location? Interestingly, do you think the same person would act differently in their local home coffee shop to how they do in the busy store near work?
Do you think attitudes would change at different times of the day? How would interactions change based on the ethnic mix of the server / patron, for example: non-white server / white customer; male / female mixes, etc?
A couple of books you might want to look up by Doreen Massey who is a feminist geographer: Space, Place and Gender; For Space. She wrote a lot about how people interact with spaces and how cultures influence human interactions. You have picked up on a couple of her points already, peoples attitudes toward the servers as being ATM's and the gender ethnicity mix would be really interesting to explore.
Thanks for the insight and good luck with your studies.
A number of things interest me with your piece so I thought I would pass on some comments. Firstly, after 25 years in IT, I have taken a direction change and currently studying for a degree in Criminology. As you know, I am also attempting to write as well. Crime and social attitudes to crime are a real interest of mine and so the concept of your piece interests me a lot.
Reading your various versions and edits, I prefer 3rd Person Version 3. Main reason being, this version is more reflective, Travis basically confronting the world and thinking: "so this is it, then?". In the other versions, you have the fixation on the watch and, while you do have the reference to left hand / right hand, are yet to explore a deeper meaning of that. Does it have relevance or a reference to something from the inside? Perhaps explore how regimented things were on the inside which is why time was so important? Such discipline is now gone and he misses that in a strange way? It is well documented that prisoners who have been in prison for a long time struggle with the freedom of life outside, having to make choices, be responsible for things and will often revert to crime in order to return to prison; this is something you hint at in the conversation with the prison officer.
I do like the idea of exploring how the world has changed technologically while someone has been incarcerated. I wonder if 5 years is long enough though? I have just finished watching a TV police drama here in the UK where someone had been locked up for 23 years for a crime they didn't commit. This character returned home and was often shown walking around with an old Sony Walkman with their distinctive headphones. A detail like that places the character in a different era, the difference between cassette tapes and an iPhone - huge!
Overall - some interesting concepts you are playing with. I would suggest focusing on Travis' feels with each new experience he encounters but, again, consider whether 5 years in prison would be sufficient time away from the real world to miss it?
Your story reminded me of "The Long Walk" by Stephen King (writing as Richard Bachman) and the basic concept of your piece is something that interests me as a writer: take a monotonous act as a central thread to the story and work the characters around it.
You actually started the piece quite well, building the scene quickly. Your description of the environment is good and I was able to build the scene in my mind. I would suggest, however, to spend some time building Morris' character, his emotions, perhaps briefs flashbacks that offer a glimpse of his past actions, remorse, pain, indifference?
You leave the scenario hanging a little at the end. Was Morris dead, in an eternal hell condemned to walk in circles for ever like Sisyphus pushing the rock up the hill? By saying "Morris would never find out" feels a little bit of a let off for the character - he should find out why he's there, what he did, the pain he caused (assuming this was a drunk driving incident rather than a natural medical emergency?). Without such insight, I find it difficult to know what to feel about Morris, do I feel sorry for him or not!
Overall, I enjoyed your story and I think you have a good base upon which to expand.
There are some interesting elements to this piece that leave room for further exploration. As I read it, some questions came to mind:
1) How old is Albert and is that important?
2) What was his relationship with his Aunt and why is he so overcome with emotion?
You may want to look at expanding the piece to focus more on Albert on the lead up to seeing his Aunt, his emotions in the funeral parlour and why he was feeling that way, perhaps exploring happier times they had together.
Your description is good, however, in places, the text is too descriptive and doesn't flow as well as it could. I got the sense you were trying to get too much into a single sentence. By expanding the text, you will give yourself more room to describe the scenes, build more emotion and develop Albert's character more.
I certainly think your piece has promise and you should explore Albert's emotions more.
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