I can definitely see the Poe inspiration, and it works well. The repetition, the rhyme scheme and word choice went together to make this great ominous piece...Now if only I had just discovered this on Halloween. Would have perfectly set the mood.
In my opinion, it was awful.
The transitions and plot holes are distractingly huge problems. If the vampires could move so fast, and assuming the supernatural world is aware of its own denizens, why would they not immediately realize she was a witch when she started chanting the spell? Were they unaware that witches exist or were they just stupid? And why not just kill them instead of hanging around talking to them, or how about their inability to kill her WITH THEIR SUPER SPEED before she could destroy them all?! True, maybe you're trying and succeeding to show the villanous nature of your vamp enough that it's swallowing up any real developement of an intimidating antagonist. To clarify: your (very first) vampire is CARTOONISHLY exaggerated.
Biker jacket, aggressive for no reason. First thing he does is pick a random fight. Mock and then threaten the couple. Okay, so what have we learned? Vampires are arrogant and bikers are scum, and the only thing worse is vampire biker flim-flam. The plot twist was nice, but the reaction to it on the guys part was rather subdued. What, is he suddenly too drunk to care at that moment? I imagine there'd be more...emotion about the revelation.
Call me harsh, maybe this is nit-picking. I am merely explaining what I as a reader did not like about how abrupt and hastily thrown together this felt as a story. The smoothness and progression of the plot mingling with the dialogue was not smooth at all.
What I am basically saying is, an extension of all this story's implications would be nice, along with, you know, a true-to-form PLOT.
Winner or not this is an overall lukewarm story, and this collection of ideas could become so much more.
Have a nice day.
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