 Hi, my name is Lilandra. Since you specifically requested a review, I wanted to share my thoughts about this item with you.
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Item Reviewed: "Dream On " 
Author Sing Me A Story  
Reviewer: Lilandra
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Remember, a review is just one person's opinion. Only you know what is best for your story. I've read and commented on your work as I would try to critique my own work. I hope you find something useful here, and that you will discard the rest with good cheer. Please know that suggestions are offered in the spirit of making this fine piece even better.
I'll be using the review format developed by the group "Invalid Item" . Please feel free to visit their home page for useful information on writing and reviewing.
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 General Comments
This is a very good story with excellent potential. I loved it very much, well done.
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Plot
The second part of the story has great pacing and moves along beautifully, revealing a shocking twist and heart wrenching tragedy. Great work, I love it.
The first part, however, is a bit slow. There's no reason given to engage with the characters. I'd insert some surprise and a strange longing (? the longing may be too much, it's up to you), maybe even a flash of something being wrong, a flash of discomfort at seeing Trina in the dream, after noting how familiar the company felt. That should be enough to hook the reader, keep them wondering why the narrator is experiencing these contradicting emotions, at least. I'd also make Celia eager to please Trina in the first part of the story, but subtly, so that it hints at what's to come.
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Point of view and style
First person POV works very well for what you are trying to achieve here, and your writing flows comfortably, making it very easy to read and enjoyable.
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Scene/Setting
Your descriptions are very vivid and well done and you set the scenes beautifully. Good work.
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Grammar & Spelling & Nitpicky Stuff
*The hat looked almost like a cliché witch’s hat...
I would change this to: "The hat looked almost like the cliché of a witch's hat..." or make the "cliché" into "clichéd"
* "There were no windows either on the walls or on pink, wooden door."
This sentence needs to be something like "There were no windows, not on the walls or on the pink wooden door". I'd also remove the comma between "pink" and "wooden".
* "I started to walk toward the pretty, little shop, ..."
There's an extra, unnecessary comma here between "pretty" and "little".
* "... and a subconscious excitement, rather than my own free, will seemed to pull my feet forward..."
The comma here is in the wrong place, it should be "..rather than my own free will, seemed..."
* " “That style was extremely popular in its time." the saleswoman..." and "I can’t be bothered to remember which one, but she had wonderful tastes.” she said as she admired the fabric..."
The full stops here after the saleswoman's dialogue should be a comma.
* " “Why don’t you try it on?” My friend agreed..."
I'd name Trina here. "My friend" gets repetitive unless it's used for a reason, like before you named her.
* "Her dark hair was twisted into a tight bun, and a tiara of delicate, black metal and red gem stones sat upon her head."
Unnecessary comma between "delicate" and "black".
* "The woman’s voice echoed through my head, all of our dresses are completely authentic."
I'd make the "all our dresses..." a new sentence.
* "She was ten years younger than me, but she had never been eight. "
The first part of the sentence needs to be in the past perfect: "She had been ten years younger than me, but she had never been eight."
* "“Let’s go again!” He eyes shown with the madness of the condemned."
The "He" here should be "Her".
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Just my personal opinion
* Editors, agents and publishers tend to hammer on having a strong opening line/lines. This is especially true for short stories. In my opinion, your first line/lines could use some work to make them stronger - perhaps consider writing a completely new first line? Or at the very least remove "Sometimes dreams are funny things" and start the piece with "Sometimes, dreams seem so real..."
* When the story gets to the point where Celia gets grabbed by the hands between the dresses and she searches for Trina, I'd suggest having her search for Trina being more frantic and desperate, especially in the light of what you reveal about Trina and what happened to her.
* "Trina was my sister. I remembered that now..."
I'd handle this a bit differently. Maybe more shock in the realization, and some foreshadowing earlier, something about their friendship being as close as sisters mentioned earlier. As it is, it feels a little flat and for me it felt too gimmicky instead of the shocking twist foreshadowing tragedy. Earlier foreshadowing and making it clear that Celia was very keen to please Trina and that's why she goes along with what's going on earlier despite her discomfort would make this an incredible twist.
* "How long can a person dream? I feel as though I have spent my whole life inside of this hell. We wander from store to store, and it always ends the same way, more or less. Sometimes, I cannot save her.
I chase her from one room to the next, trying to prevent us both from repeating the past. All the while, I keep repeating to myself; this is only a dream."
I'd rewrite the ending to give it more punch. I suggest something like this:
"How long can a person dream, and how often can a single dream repeat itself? Each time, we wander from store to store. I chase her from one room to the next, trying to prevent us both repeating the past. Sometimes I can save her, sometimes I cannot, but every time I wake up with tears on my cheeks. Because in the end, this was only a dream."
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 Remember, any review is just one person's opinion. The surest path to success is to keep writing and to be true to your muse!
Thanks for sharing this item! I loved it! Please keep on writing!
Kind Regards,
Lilandra |
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"Her dad was very different from her mom.
) me will always remain just words and can mean as much or as little as you choose for it to mean. It's just an opinion, and not a reflection on you as a writer.