This... is VERY cool.
I like the overall structure of the piece; the beginning hooks the reader's attention nicely. You've done a great job creating suspense, and I could TOTALLY FEEL the weightlessness when the escape pod left the ship's artificial gravity... It tickled. Not only that, but I LOVE that you seem to know a things or two about technical stuff (i.e. guns and things.) This gives the story a very realistic feel, you know? It's as if what's happening in the piece is actually happening to reader as they read.
A few suggestions:
1. Careful with commas. Only use them to join two dependent clauses (this means two phrases that wouldn't make sense if you just said them by themselves, but if you joined them with a comma, they would make sense.) Don't use commas to link two phrases that could just begin with a capital letter and end with a period. Does that make sense?
2. This isn't necessarily something I saw a TON of in your paper, but it might be helpful to you when writing your second draft. Don't say something in ten words you could say in five. For example, the sentence "The well dressed fat man ran speedily across the field of wet dirt" would sound much better if you said, "The pompous man bolted across the swampy field." The sentence keeps its same basic meaning, but it flows more nicely and is much easier on the "mental ear." It sounds more natural, more intelligent, and by shortening sentences this way, you force yourself to use more slick, colorful verbs, as well as more descriptive, interesting adjectives. Do you see what I'm saying? Oh yeah, and don't use adverbs- editors HATE to see adverbs in manuscripts. Just think about it this way: if a verb has to be modified by an adverb, what does that say about it? It says that the verb must not be very interesting, and you would be better off finding a more descriptive one to replace it. Do you see what I mean?
3. BEWARE of "to be" verbs! No was's, being's, becoming's, were's, are's, is's, etc. ...Well, no, actually... I lied. You can use them, but SPARINGLY, and I'll show you why: look at this example sentence- "I was cold." This is boring. This is a sentences everyone and their dog hears and uses every day without giving it a second thought. A reader would skip over this sentence in a heartbeat because it isn't interesting, descriptive, or thought provoking. It's white noise. But, say we took out the "to be" verb (was) and created this sentence- "I trembled in the frigid air, my skin crawling with goose bumps." ...Yeah, I know that sounds kinda dumb, and I'm sure you'll be able to come up with much better sounding sentences, but do you sort of see what I mean? Isn't the sentence just a little more interesting? I don't know. But I hope you understand what I'm saying, anyway :).
4. Last note: No that's, just because they tend to clog a sentence and make it less natural sounding. But I didn't see many that's in your story anyway. Just... FYI.
I'm still working on mastering these rules myself, but I hope they help you. Just remember: this is only a review, and in the end, your own creative opinion is superior to my advice. This is your story! Do with it what you will :)
Anyway, WONDERFUL job. I look forward to coming back and reading more :D
-Kleo
|
|
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
