This is wonderful. it's really cute. And I always envy anyone who can make rhyming sound good and flow well, like you definitely did.
Here and there I wasn't sure of the point you were making. By the end it was very clear, but there were points when I thought your theme was solely about dorkiness, or about the importance of winning. Just a little bit of tweaking, though, and this will be a fun, cute, charming, and perfect piece.
Very interesting way to get these thoughts across. I certainly like all these thoughts you have in the first 5 lines.
I gotta say, I was excited for a lot of alliteration. :P Maybe either pick to do it throughout or don't do it at all, instead of just in the first line. I love that line though, how the last word of it doesn't fit with the alliteration. LOVED THAT.
Finally, I'm not 100% sure how the first five lines and the rest of the poem fit together. I'm assuming you're saying no matter how much you do certain things some people just won't like you, but you want a certain person to like you anyway. If you can make the two thoughts fit together a little more perfectly, it'd make for a fantastic piece, I think. Especially how quickly you're able to sum up such a complicated thought (which you've done rather well already). Great start!
I think this is a nice start, but it can grow. Open it up to all five senses, really let the author fully see, hear, taste, feel and smell this moment, this place and this man. Right now it's like a glimpse, like you're driving impossibly fast past this scene. Slow it down, let the reader take it in,a nd this piece can reach its full potential.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lindsayclarke
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 2:17pm on Dec 03, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "