Ok, first, I am not going to tell you it’s like all the other horror stories I have read. Horror is a lot more difficult to write than most people think simply because its very hard to come up with something that has not been done in one shape, way, or form. Having said that, I will attempt to give you some constructive criticism using what experience I have gained in the both writing and reading the genre for years. I hope this helps.
Once the family had prayed, with still no sign of Mr. Brown, Sally, Bobby, and Sarah, her daughter, started to eat their meatloaf and potatoes.{i/} This is confusing. Sarah is someone’s daughter? Is she Bobby’s sister, thus has the same parents as Bobby or is she in fact Mrs. Brown’s granddaughter? Is Sally, in fact, Mrs. Brown or is she another child of Mrs. Brown. If she is Mrs. Brown you need to let the reader know that her first name is Sally so that we don’t become confused here.
The door slammed so hard open, that it was lodged in the wall. Re-word this to read, “The door slammed open so hard that it was lodged in the wall.” It’s easier to read, no comma is required and it’s says the exact same thing you wrote with one important difference. It flows better and doesn’t make the reader hesitate. You don’t want the reader hesitating at this point in the story.
Muffled thuds, and the creaking of the floorboards signified that the thing was walking towards the kitchen. What thing? You have not established that there is a “thing” that is the source of the noise or light, so perhaps you should re-word this sentence a little. For example, “Muffled thuds and the creaking of the floorboards signified that something was walking towards the kitchen.” Use something instead of just thing because at this point the reader and the characters in the story don’t know what the thing is.
“If only Arthur were here. It would be so much better.” Is Arthur Mr. Brown or perhaps another son? You have not given the reader any idea who Arthur is so when Mrs. Brown thinks this we have no way of nothing who it is that she is wishing was there to save them.
She placed the knife back on the table feeling guilty that she was an instant away from killing her husband. I am not sure I would use guilty as the choice of emotion here. Certainly I can see where you are going with this but don’t you think that perhaps she would be more horrified or terrified that she almost stabbed the man that she loves dearly. I don’t see guilt being the appropriate emotion for this action.
Although the town was small, his shop was still all the way across town. Why is this important? Are you fore-shadowing here and if so you need to add something, not sure what, to this to make is fit in better. As it stands the reader will pause here and wondering what you added this bit of information but will not connect it to anything.
“We don’t know. We heard him barking, and then he whimpered.” She shuttered as she recollected the strange happenings. A couple of things here, first it’s not nature for her to be speaking for everyone at this point, instead of “we” it should be “I”. Dialogue is always hard to do but you certainly have a good grasp of it. I would perhaps think about re-wording her dialogue to read, “I don’t know. He was barking then he whimpered and well now nothing.” It shows that she is following the chain of events as well as being a bit confused as to what might have happened to their beloved pet.
Thirteen days had passed, and the Browns still had not figured out what had happened, but the occurrence perfectly matched the reports of a darkened figure lurking in fields. Apparently, it seemed as if the creature was looking for a certain location. This is out of place I think. You tell us that 13 days have passed but than in the next few paragraphs you continue telling us what happened that day even to the point of saying that the family finally got to sit down and eat their dinner. I would move or delete this whole paragraph.
Bobby looked up from his food at the big empty space on the wall in the living room, he always watched Friday night cartoons at dinner on Fridays, but had been deprived of this since the occurrence. Ok, so now we get the sense of time passing, good. However, in this sentence you mention Friday twice. How about this, “he always watched Friday night cartoons at dinner, but had been…” You don’t have to add the “on Friday” because you already told us that it was only Friday by saying Friday night cartoons.
The family was extremely jumpy since Bobby had come across that bloody tail stump in the yard. Bobby discovered the dog’s bloody tail stump? I thought the police did? You might want to read though again and check for consistence here. Pick one and stick with it.
Soon she sat so close to the figure, that if she had twitched, she would have knocked it.
Try this, “she would have touched it.” Instead of knocked it. Knock implies that she would have hit it somehow and well she seems to afraid to do that, not to mention that it does follow with the idea of her having just twitched.
The tormented screams had finally stopped, but Sally wished with all her heart that it had started again, in order to drain out the thing’s voice. Again, try this, “…in order to drown out the thing’s voice.” She is hoping to cover up what she is hearing from the thing, she is not trying to put its voice down a sink.
Soon it had grown dark, and the family had still not found their mother or wife. Change mother or wife to Mrs. Brown. In this sentence it reads as if they are looking for two people instead of Mrs. Brown. Also in the paragraph above you made a point of saying that the family was missing Mrs. Brown. Be consistent.
He continued onward, only for his deep affection for his wife. This sentence is awkward. Try something like this, “His deep love of his wife gave him the courage to continue on.”
He picked it up, hoping there would be a clue of where to find his wife located inside. This is confusing; try this, “He picked it up hoping that he would find a clue inside that would lead him to his wife.”
He knew now that this thing had killed his wife as the ooze fell to the floor, molding into the shape of a large, deformed figure. What floor? I thought he was outside in the middle of a corn field. Perhaps the word ground might be better here.
Mr. Brown never heard the end of the thing’s speech, however, and he took off towards the house. How about this, “Mr. Brown didn’t hear the end of the thing’s speech as he took of running toward the house.”
I hope I have been helpful here. Please take this as the constructive criticism that it is meant to be. Overall I like the story. I don’t think it like all the other horror stories I have read. I do think that the ending seems a bit rushed however. You might want to flesh that out a little more. I hope you keep writing, I think you have a talent here. |
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