Title: The Sandbox of Eden - this title is okay. I guess I'd prefer just "sandbox" because Eden symbolises paradise. I see the sandbox as more magical than a kind of paradise. But over to you.
First impressions: A beautiful story of a boy and his grandfather discovering a magical world in the sandbox.
Issues: No major issues.
Finer Details: Some grammatical or typo issues:
1. "he spent outside [creating] something out of nothing" - tense change
2. "what he feared most right now was that he was not afraid" - this doesn't quite work. I think it would read better if it was "what scared him most right now, was that he was not afraid."
3. you have numerous instances of "unexplainably" - the correct term is "inexplicably"
4. "they [wandered] from room to room" - correct word choice
5. "and many rooms they didn't know what were" - doesn't read well. Suggest: "and many rooms they didn't know the use of"
6. "Grandfather just shrugged [insert full stop instead of comma]
7. "[in] a tone of confidence" - correct word choice
8. "...magic gift that had been given [to]him"
9. "she listened [insert comma] as mothers often do"
10. "some sort of ritual the two had concocted [insert comma]
Comment: Well done. The Grandfather's observations are wonderful and the relationship between the two is well established. The story ends on a lovely note.
Cappucine, as a writing exercise this is rich and captivating. Having read a fair amount of your work, you appear to have a strange preoccupation with half senile old women. Do you want to sit on the couch and tell me about it? (*snigger - inside joke )
Fabulous demonstration of descriptive and figurative language at its best. As long as the reader can suspend both disbelief and a desire for the world to make sense, this will read as an intoxicating vignette.
I'm reviewing this item as it appeared on ChallengeMe's "Ten Upgrades or Less" in and out.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1373737 by Not Available.
It's a fun question, but as one of your respondent's pointed out, there's a limited number of answers you can receive and most of them have been done ad infinitum: upgrade, charities and competitions.
With respect, I suspect this in and out has a limited life. How about a question that demands more scope in possible responses?
Keep playing with the in and outs though; they're a fun way to get involved.
First impressions:
This was a very engaging tale that developed nicely, with a satisfying payoff at the end.
Issues:
I feel that some of the dialogue comes across as being a bit stilted. In particular, the dialogue between Greg and Larry the second time they meet.
Finer Details:
There are quite a number of punctuation and typo issues. Here are my corrections:
- handed him an application
- a shiney object
-lying face down
- she's lovely should be "she was lovely"
- portrait taken by a professional photographer
- To Bob [insert comma], with all my love
- who lived here before [insert comma]
- familiar figure [insert comma] looking somewhat surprised
- "...good to see you[comma]" said Greg
- whoever it was I recommended
Comment:
I really enjoyed this short story. Well done.
There's really nothing wrong with this piece. It's well enough written and it has a beginning and a middle and an end. But in truth, there seemed little point to me. Nothing 'happened'. It was a Leave It to Beaver birthday, where everything was perfect. It needs something else, a child overdosing on sugar; a cat eating the cake before it makes it to the table, a mother downing pills in the kitchen.
For me, the really interesting aspects of life are those moments that are unexpected and don't go according to plan. This was straight out of a children's book from the 1950s. I'm not sure that there's enough here for modern children to hook into.
I do understand however that you are writing to a prompt and there may be restrictions on the piece that I am unaware of.
This was a great little story that was compelling from the first line. The final line is horrific, as it should be. My only complaint is how short it is. I feel you could have extended the suspense through the verbal exchange between the couple, whilst at the same time up the ante by having the state of her grip on the wall become ever more precarious. Really notch up the suspense; that way, the final line is a particularly nasty pay off.
Hyperiongate, this was an intriguing story and you are clearly an accomplished writer but, not being a die-hard sci-fi fan, I found it too weighty in jargon. It returned to a human element once it was clear of the personal affect of a failed investigation, but the lack of personal element, and high degree of jargon makes the beginning of this story more of an intellectual exercise.
Only one typo someone capable of either installing.
Ben, you have a talent for mimicry of style, that's for sure. But you apply a singular sense of humour and the final stanza of this poem is superb. My favourite lines:
But behind me there's a small voice, "It's all fixed. Now, here's your invoice."
I can only stand and rejoice (and my preconceptions tweak).
Thanking him, I give a quick look, seeing if his invoice mistook
My slim bank account for one owned by a wealthy Arab sheik.
There was one wobble for me, even after I read it through again for rhythm and that was: Tearing at my hair so roughly, I ask him, and kind of gruffly,. The final part of this line stumbles with the rhythm.
But the Ben Langhinrichs flair carries you through, rendering this only a minor comment. I'm going to ignore it (because I detest 4.5 for small squabbles) and award you with what you deserve for such a novel approach: 5.
You write using short, sharp images which I like (see my portfolio as testament) however this poem lacks grounding. It's kind of floating at the moment, whereas I really want to feel your pain and see your scars. You don't need to say how you got them, but an allusion to the context between the persona and the person the persona is addressing would help to understand, and therefore relate to the emotion in the poem. Keep going. Good potential.
You say this is for a school project? Does that mean college? This poem reflects a high level of maturity and insight. It's rhythm and rhyme are consistent and its images are original.
I'm very impressed and look forward to seeing more of your work.
Hi Dan, I don't know what process you've gone through since posting this in ChallengeMes 10 Ratings or Less forum, but it's in a fine form as I read it.
My only difficult moment in reading this came with Laneesha Harris. For some reason I had assumed she was part of the hospital staff and then struggled to orientate her in the story. The man and his bed first described, I had assumed to be John's father. Perhaps some quick context or orientation is required. Having said that, I do like the line:John saw another bed behind the curtain, and in that bed, a pair of swollen feet. They belonged to the man John had come to see.
So, eventually, I did catch on, but the flow of reading was slightly interrupted.
On the whole though, I thought it was great. And as a writer who is really pissed off with constantly getting 4.5 for minor details, I'm gonna whack a five on this.
First impressions: I think the beginning was a little overplayed, but I think that's due to the sentence structure, which emphasises by short fragments. I think I'd like to see these images, integrated into longer sentences so that the poetry is maintained, but the melodrama is lessened.
Issues:none
Finer Details:
"hobbling along on one leg"
"pine needles" - plural
"in search of"
Comment: I really liked this piece. Very well written especially the scenes between the two characters. The rigidity of Stuart is well established, as well as his impotence in fighting/expressing what he wants. The payoff was perfect.
You're not a pessimist, you're a realist. You understand that there's a need to prepare in life by having a "worst case scenario" plan up your sleeve. You recognise that the news is not worth watching because it's depressing and that the old practice of having a positive human interest story end the news is all but gone. Does the news reflect our world, well, yes, but it also reflects the desire of the news agencies to keep us in a state of fear and loathing.
The world is not perfect, as you say. It's full of pain and disappointment and, therefore, there is no safe place for an idealist here. Being smart and informed means being practical and a realist.
You're smiling and you know there is "good and hope" out there. That's enough for now.
Title: I like the title very much. I like being exposed to the musical appearance of the Urdu and having the translation in brackets.
First Impressions: Simple, direct language depicting the process of a body/soul being conveyed to its final resting place.
Issues: The poem establishes in the first stanza a 7,5,7,5 beat. This gets lost in the second and third stanzas. The second and third stanzas pick up a rhyme and partial rhyme scheme. Overall the poem can't decide if it has a definite rhyme and rhythm or whether it's free verse.
Also, I'm extremely ignorant of the burial process, however, would one not "wash away ...sins" BEFORE the wrapping process??
Finer details:
"Into my grave six feet deep" - insert comma after "grave"
"Lay my corpse on solid ground" - replace "on" with "in"
Suggest altering next line to: "And the ritual is complete."
Comment: This poem has a few wobbles to sort out but offers a dispassionate insight into burial practices in another culture. I am grateful for the sharing of this poem. Feel free to send me a reworked draft. All the best for future writes!
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