You've got a good story here. It flows well, is coherent and contains solid elements. There were some grammatical nuances, which to me, stagnated the story however. Like, the sentence, 'Whatever it was that he was looking at, nobody in the hospital could see it.' could have been played up a bit more. You really want to tell a story and not just plop down facts. What a story should do is tickle the imagination of the audience, even if they aren't fully interested in the subject matter. Early in the story, you could have used more description to really put the reader into the moment. You want to grab the attention of the audience and squeeze it so tightly that they won't want to stop reading until you let them go. I think you have captured the essence of the characters, I just think they should have more substance. It's all in the word play and I think with a little big more meat to the picture of the story, you could have a really great tale on your hands.
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