I really enjoyed this! Wasn't quite appreciative of the chinese food bit, but it symbolized and gave authenticity to the reality, you as a writer were obviously trying to communicate. The use of the word "s***ty" was very powerful, in expressing the deep grief of the torn relationship, even though it was almost offensive to the reader, because it was unexpected and it was so totally opposite to the clean, sweet flow of words in the poem, up to that point.
Sweet, nice, light memories of summer's first love.
Good emotional connection made with paragraphs 1 & 2, but paragraph 3 disconnects, the easy flow between the imagery and the feelings is lost, until the stars are used in the last line. I would suggest the alternate use of the word "but" for the last 2 uses. However I like the implication of the last two lines,
But as I take a look into your eyes
They've melted, and warmed like the summer skies.
The impression is open to interpretation, and I choose to dream that the reflected stars of love that shone in his eyes have melted in the warmth of the fresh summer sun. Lovely light piece! Keep writing!
I enjoyed this! Interesting way to share the story.
Only 2 issues:
a) did not appreciate the flow in the first letter, his English seemed on a different level to that in his subsequent letter - probably dleliberate to suggest the real differences that develop as time and awareness influence our personal understanding of spiritual growth
b) paragraph spacing should be consistent across all the letters, but possibly done to visibly reinforce the authorship of the different letters.
Lovely, nice flow from physical imagery of a painful fall to intellectual and spiritual recognition of god's blessed guidance that should steer our path through life's many challenges.
Listlessly waving - use another word, "listlessly" is not working here, what about secretly, or silently
And dance with - (rephrase tense - dancing, so that it matches with all the lifting, twirling, waving etc in the same stanza
Away to far - rephrase? not sure I understand " Away, too far"
To hold a wish
Between each of - remove the last word "of"
Vibrant sensual light. love this line
A dream of lilies - love this line too!
And hold his breath - rephrase - He holds his breath ("and" is a little awkward here)
As he spied them.
Remember: too is an adjective that adds emphasis, too far, too long, too hot, too cold
while to is part of a verb combination, thus to grip, to hold, to find, to earn etc
Lilies is the plural spelling
Lilly - singular spelling for use in the last stanza
Love the imagery that leaps off the page, from a child gaily dancing his way across the bogs, to the muddy quest to gather a precious gift, and the anticipated joy of his reward, . . . the pleasure of his mother's embrace.
The imagery was beautiful, the combination of strong, actions and feelings well paired with the living nature of an ever-changing autumn season.
Presentation wise, I would have like to see it broken - consider inserting a line of space after flaming kiss, and another line after lovers lips. I realise that the paragraphs are not evenly distributed, but the spacing will emphasize the dramatic beauty of the top and bottom lines.
I enjoyed the bold bright images that flowed from the piece, especially in the beginning and the middle. However
He was chaired. - visual, but didn't like this line for some reason, flow?
Somehow the last stanza didn't emotionally close the poem for me. The final line didn't connect. Sorry not sure why. Appreciated the word play during the poem! Was unexpectedly moved into appreciating the beauty of the writing, and didn't expect to connect to a country & western piece. Lovely!
Like the little opening - intrigues the reader to keep reading on.
Loved the story. Was not what I expected, but definitely held my attention. Well done! Just a few areas where the words were not as smooth. PS don't forget two spaces after each full stop is the international standard.
Word Flow
I can't imagine how many times I've replayed the events in my mind since then.
replace imagine with " believe" or "tell you"
or replace the I with "You"
The others caught on and we were discussing a movie we had seen when she neared. Neared - would prefer "passed nearby".
."We won't. The place is abandoned. They're going to tear the whole park down. Nobody cares." 4 concepts, each line too short.
Join the 2 inner sentences with "and". Nobody cares." add on "anyway" to emphasize the thought.
I looked up and closed my eyes, as if deep in thought. After enjoying the warm October sunshine on my face for a few seconds, I looked at Becky. - I enjoyed the flow of this line.
"A girl who kicked your sixteen-year-old ass a few months ago," Becky fired back. Consider "I am the girl . .
I felt excited while we biked home. (rephrase) As we biked home, I felt so excited, because once again, I had gotten my way with my lifelong friends.
which was the norm, since I was the oldest. I also knew that they trusted me. (rephrase) As the eldest, and probably the most trustworthy, I had always been the leader of the group, a position I secretly enjoyed.
During the forty minutes I had until I'd climb out my bedroom window - (rephrase) During the forty minutes left, before I had to climb . . .
That night at the party, I couldn't shake the feeling I'd made a mistake, but I couldn't force myself to back down. (rephase - Later that night at the party, I couldn't shake the feeling, that somehow I'd made a mistake, . . .
Time passed slowly, heightening my fears and doubts. - I liked this, could "feel" his anxiety.
At midnight, I arrived at the convenience store a block from my house. (insert comma after "store")
"Reach in my backpack and get the flashlights and wire cutter." replace first "and" with a comma instead
A thick cloud cover - replace with The (a implies singular, as in one cloud, while image conveys thick cover of many, possibly layered clouds)
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