This poem has a wonderful idea and imagery behind it, but I feel some editing would make it even better. As I read, I felt as if the rhyme was forced and it seemed more of a hindrance to the flow of the work than a help. In a poem like this, especially when the meter is so unstructured, rhyme isn't necessary and it can be inhibiting. For example, the fifth stanza reads:
To a time much simpler
when I could feel at ease
and destiny hadn’t grabbed my life
and held on with a squeeze
It might flow better and uphold the tone more efficiently by simply eliminating a few words from the last line, changing it to:
To a time much simpler
when I could feel at ease
and destiny hadn’t grabbed my life
and held on
Also, it might be best to decide either to capitalize the first word of each line or not to capitalize any of the words--capitalizing the first line of each stanza makes those relatively-insignificant words stand out far too much.
Anyway, this poem has a really good basis and I think it can be something great. Definitely keep writing!
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