I like that you didn't wait too long before introducing another shocker. Keeps the pace fast and pulse pounding. Well played. There were however a few issues as you can see below.
"The bang of the door made Rosie jump back and hit her back for the second time in one night, ..." Prior to this she was sitting on the bed, so I'm not sure how its possible for her to hit her back again.
It may just be a difference between the UK and US legal systems, but you wouldn't have a court date without evidence and a suspect in custody in a case like this. I'd have to check out Law & Order UK to see. Shows like that can be surprisingly helpful about things like this.
I can't imagine her mother smiling about the cause of death. Something like that would be quite painful for her to think about.
"goodbye’s" should be "goodbyes" ... the first is possessive and the other is plural.
Also, I'm not sure the body would have been released to the funeral home so quickly. After any death under suspicious circumstances (even if it might look obvious), there would have to be a full autopsy to confirm cause of death.
"un-comfort" is not a word ... perhaps "discomfort" instead?
"After Spanish she headed to the lunch hall and got out her phone once she sat down at the lunch table her and Amber had occupied just two short days ago." This should be two sentences. Also "her and Amber" should be "she and Amber".
"Rosie felt her eyes wetting and her heart beat and breathing increase rapidly again." First, "heartbeat" (one word). Second, the language here seems a bit cold and distant given the situation.
A well written and vivid portrayal of a heart yearning for love. My one issue would be the second line "Your thoughts everyday are driving me crazy...". As written, it sounds as if she's hearing his thoughts instead of just constantly thinking of him. Otherwise, I thought it quite poignant and true to life.
An interesting piece. The somewhat fantastical feel of the beginning that turns to harsh reality is well played. My one suggestion might be to show more of Bre's emotional reaction to being "passed over" by Wind, and what she intends to do about it.
Still keeping pace well though I kind of felt like they got off-topic rather suddenly (from what's happened to Amy to what is Amber). Its coming together nicely though, and I like the overall story.
“It’s not my fault, Mum should have never let it escalate this far, we’re just kids...” Run-on sentence. This is actually 3 sentences in 1.
"She winced at the hard wood connecting with her spine, and turned around to look at her desk." That's an awfully tall desk. Even if its a book 1) it wouldn't be that high, and 2) a book would shift and not hurt unless it was wedged against something else.
"I ran straight to find her when you told her, because I knew." When she told her what? Is this sentence supposed to be so confusing?
"“Manifesting is where you make an object appear.”
“An object appear,” Rosie repeated, and couldn’t help the chuckle that came along with it.
“Yes,” Amber said, totally serious. “Appear...oooh.” Is this an inside joke or something? I felt left out of the joke and a bit lost as to what was going on.
Well written scene though you had a lot of run-on sentences. I've listed the corrections needed below. I really like the twist at the end. Looking forward to the next chapter.
"Amber gave her a funny looked ..." should be "look".
“Forget, you’d be surprised how much better you’d feel, you just have to let yourself.” This is a run-on sentence.
" ... five years ago, Shane ..." That should be a period instead of a comma.
" ... even her Dad, just ..." This should be another sentence break.
" ... a parents love ... " should be "parent's"
" ... in front of Amber, she ... " another sentence break.
" ... trust me, whatever ... " another sentence break.
"No-matter ... " There shouldn't be a hyphen there.
" ... her and Amy had fought ... " should be "she and Amy"
“Don’t try and speak, I’m ... " sentence break.
"Amber commanded, Rosie did, she couldn’t argue right now." Run-on sentence.
Well done! The only thing I would suggest to fix is this run-on sentence ...
"Rosie worried this would tip her over the edge again, she’d only just got over the divorce and the betrayal, Rosie was terrified she’d go back into her room again and barely ever come out. " Other than that you might look it over for minor spelling and grammar errors.
Keep going strong like this and you'll have it done in no time!
Needs a little editing for punctuation and such, but has a good flow and keeps the tension high. It occurs to me that if Amber is still in school, shouldn't Shane be as well? Or was he suspended for the fight or something? Looking good though. Keep it up.
"The painful sickness was still there too." Didn't the pain leave the night before? So maybe this should read that it came back?
I wasn't sure why the cop was so intent on what happened the day before. It didn't seem relevant to the disappearance so I'm not sure it makes sense for him to push so hard about it.
Other than that its coming along very well! Keep it coming. :)
Looking much more polished already! Only a few minor errors, but I wouldn't change anything else.
"Rosie ignored it when he voice shook" should be "her"
“Yeah, she is, the best cousin really." This might flow better without the second comma.
gentlemen should be gentleman
un-usual = unusual
“How come you know so much about this? I’d never thought really, I’m not really a big believer in anything to do with star signs, or psychics and mystics.” This might flow a little better if you switch the two sentences around.
” Lorraine said friendlily. “ Afraid that's not a word.
I was a little confused why Rosie was casually wandering around the room when she was in so much pain that she had to go home.
"his attention wall all " should be was, not wall.
Moving the story along nicely. I like how Shane was introduced; very dramatic. The only issues I saw were a few minor errors listed below.
"... mocha coloured lace, brown belted dress ..." This is a bit repetitive. You should only need the mocha or the brown, but not both.
“Your very pretty.” should be "You're".
"their all douches" should be "They're".
It's good! A good flow and dialog. I like how you made Amber potentially frightening before and now she's less so (though still not feeling completely safe). Its a nice setup for later development.
The paragraph where she finds the photo uses her name a lot. Maybe try saying her/she instead in a couple places.
"Amber, she realised. Finally recognizing the voice from school. Oh, crap, it’s Amber! Rosie thought panicked, ..." This seems repetitive. If you condense it down to one sentence I think it would flow better and capture the hurried panic.
They didn't "hang out" very long. I thought maybe Amber would have something more in mind (especially after the comment about her "not knowing many people yet") and then after only a few minutes they're heading back. Maybe they could run into some others from school or "friends" of Amber's.
I loved it! The flow from scene to scene creating disorientation for both the character and the reader is brilliant. His confusion and pain come through loud and clear and then to find him back in the street and thinking he's the man he ran down only to find out he's really just lost touch with reality is priceless. Excellent story! You should try to get it published.
Great start! I did wonder how Amy got past her mother in that outfit, but other than that and some minor grammar and spelling issues, its a really good opening. Might consider adding a little more to her day at school (maybe some classes without Amber), but I like how it jumps right to the mystery. Flows at a steady, quick pace that's easy to follow. Good characters and back story.
First off, I really liked this story. Very visual and the ending was quite the surprise. The only issues I had with it would be that the opening is a bit over the top on the ick factor. Possibly this was intentional, but its kind of distracting and almost made me stop reading. Also, I don't get a sense at the beginning of the flashback that there's anything obviously wrong with the main character. When Bill asks him if he's okay I pictured something more like he was just acting unusual. Its not till the paramedics arrive that we find he's got blood on him. Seems like that's something they would be a little more panicked about. I'm not usually a fan of back-and-forth timelines, but this was well done.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/ljewell/sort_by/r.review_creation_time DESC/page/2
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 2:45pm on Jul 06, 2024 via server web1.
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
