Wow! This is nice! You asked for feedback on Danny's character. I'm not sure what to say. It's apparent he's a good friend and knows both Lena and Kieran really well. I'm not sure at this point how important more insight into his character will be. I'm hoping there will be more.
The only other note I'd like to make is the number of times you used Kieran's name. It began to annoy me and I found myself mentally "re-reading" paragraphs deleting some of the Kieran's and substituting "he/him/his".
Again, I hope you're planning to expand on this and will let me know when you've added to it! Good Job!
Pretty interesting! There was a bit of tense switching, from the past to the present, but that can easily be fixed. When I got to the end I wanted more.
I couldn't help but be surprised at Ariel's reaction. Frankly I thought that she was the one fooling around and somehow her over-protective family got things wrong. I guess that could still be the case.
It might be a good idea to have a grammar check to ensure things are correct. Punctuation was a bit spotty at times too.
What's the setting? Here in the states? Overseas? Some of the vernacular was unfamiliar to me. But then it could be I just need to get out more!
Watch for redundancy and too much/not enough description:
"I couldn't hear either [one- can be deleted] of them for a few seconds, so I thought they left. I got up [from the ground-can be deleted], when I met Anthony[s] glare, but where was Trevor[?-needs to be added]. I turned around and felt the blade lunge [plunge?] into my rib cage. My body felt [fell?] limp, as I fell backwards crushing my head [how about switching that around: my head crashed...] in to [onto] the cold concrete. I let out a gasp [how about -"I gasped"]; Anthony pulled out the knife [that was still sticking out of me-can be deleted or rephrased maybe-"...that stared back at me like a stake in the ground] He hovered over me, once again [the blade entered into my stomach-reword? - he viciously stabbed...]. Trevor put his shoe on my head, lifted it up and cracked it into the side of my face.[trying to picture this...he raised his foot, slammed it down cracking him on the side of the face?]
What happened to the sister? She is almost an after-thought.
I think this should be expanded. Can really see some twists buried here. Good job getting us wondering.
I became more engrossed in this piece as I read it. Not really sure of where it's heading but then isn't that the point of reading it? To find out?
The dialogue about Genie was very long in comparison to the interaction with Mr. O. Was this on purpose? Sometimes questions about the way info is presented in the beginning are cleared up as the "plot thickens". I'm not sure if that is your intent.
Some of the info about Samuel and his motives seems thrown in so we'll understand what's happening better. I'm not sure if it couldn't be worked in better later as we see how (and why) he interacts with Mr. O, "God", and anyone else you may bring to the table.
I hope you get to see the notes after each chapter. I think they might spur some changes, but then again maybe not.
It might be good to have a grammar and spell check done. I noticed some spelling that may be unique to different areas of the world. Since the story is set in Los Angeles (at least for now) it seems American grammar and spelling might be in order. And there were a few instances of missed or incorrect punctuation. Clearly I use punctuation to underscore my style, but that may or may not be a good idea!
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