The story is a good start. You have three characters that have an excellent jumping off point to become absolute
fascinating. I like the dialogue: it's to the point, realistic and lively. In addition, there were no spelling or grammatical errors that I could find. So,
well done!
I do have a number of suggestions and thoughts, but this is meant to be purely constructive. I want to help you make this
story greater, so I have listed several things below that, with some work, could really cause this story to stand out like
a fist punched up into the air.
I will take you through the story step by step with suggestions and questions for each part. I read the story 3 times to be
sure I was being as honest and thorough as possible.
1. You make it sound like Heather has been in the apartment before - "for the first time in a long time". She wouldn't really be surprised then by
the mess, right? Nor would he be making excuses for it like it was the first time she's seen it. Perhaps it might be more realistic if instead, she
makes a comment to that point or he does. Or you remove the concept that she has been there all together.
2. Her job is confusing. Why is she in L.A.? Are they originally MEANT to work together? Why is she on the set at all? Or was she working on
something completely different and just happened to get invited to do the re-writing of the story for that movie? Also, what about
the reference to the original author's work? How does her re-writing it affect that person? And if she is a book editor,
why is she on his set? It's a movie.
3. Theresa's and Heather's characters are somewhat developed. Jack is a very confusing and static character. Not really
sure what he believes in, adhere's to, what his values are, etc. It's not very clear. He seems to move from heart-throb, to
sweet, shallow, kind, caring, playboy, etc. Who is he? Being a central character, he needs to have more of a definite
personality. He also seems spineless, whiny and wishy-washy. If that's what you want him to be, bring that out of him more.
Emphasize it.
4. They obviously have a history (Heather and Jack). I would recommend making more references to it. In addition, Heather
is obviously a very secretive person. Bring that out of her more. Entice readers to want to know more about her and that
side of her. If she is the most important character, focus on her more than Jack. The action and events tend to move
equally between Jack and Heather. There doesn't seem to be any focal character. Show more scenes with her in private. Bring
her character more to life. Does she have a past that she is afraid of being brought to the forefront by the media? Did she
have an experience that made her gun-shy of media exposure? Who is she? In addition, if this is a movie, inner voices
cannot be said, they must be demonstrated. A few times, you say how she is feeling: overwhelmed or not sure how she is
coming up with this dialogue, but YOU say it, she doesn't show it or say it herself. In a movie script, you'd need it to
come from her. She strikes me as being rather reserved and hidden. Perhaps her character might be better off writing the story on the side-lines,
with Jack and Teresa acting it out. That also could be a place where Teresa could lord her power over Heather (read on for suggestions for
bringing Teresa's character out more).
5. Jack's comment, "If it's a paycheck, I will" gives the impression that he really doesn't care about his job and what he
is doing. In other words, he doesn't really believe in what he is doing for a career. He's only in it for the money. I'm having a hard time, based on
these facets of his character (including the ones mentioned above), why Heather even likes him. Seems improbable, unless perhaps, he has
changed since she last knew him. Maybe she was younger when she first fell in love with him, and after years, still holds a candle for him. Or
perhaps, he did something that she feels permanent gratitude to him for. There's got to be a reason for why she likes him if his character is meant
to be spineless, whiny, wishy-washy and shallow. Or you need to rewrite his character.
6. And if Heather is writing for the movie, how come the director doesn't know who she is? How did she get on the set in
the first place, then?
7. And why is Teresa mad at first? If Heather is only stepping in for her, it's supposedly temporary, right? Just to help
her character become more realistic? Perhaps, she might be miffed and slightly offended, but does Teresa have no grace at all or
understanding of reality? She completely over-reacts to the fact that Heather is going to benefit her character. Perhaps,
Teresa could be more of a vixen and use it as an opportunity to make a reference to the 'help' - she knows she is the star, not Heather. Heather
is only a book editor - a nobody in Teresa's world.
8.. And if Heather has never done any acting, wouldn't she be somewhat nervous and unable to resist looking at the camera as
she speaks? It's more likely that she would freeze in the moment then fluidly and naturally fill the role, with lines pouring out of her without
hesitation. If you do want her to take it over, then you need to provide serious background to why she is able to suddenly take it away from
Teresa, an apparently famous and well-entrenched star in the movie world. I don't care how good a writer she is, it's unlikely that
would ever happen without some SERIOUS mitigating circumstances.
9. Or you could take that conversation between Jack and Heather in the movie studio and turn it into a personal one. Keep
their two worlds separate. It would add to the believability of the story and emphasize the fact that they live in two
different worlds, and make her stance that much more believable too. Her working the opposite role to him in the movie that is going to become a
big hit, would completely belie any complaint she has that she cannot live in the world of flashing cameras and media mobs. If she is able to take
that role from Teresa so easily, she obviously has some skill (a great deal of it, because in reality a no-name writer would NEVER
take the major role from a star - they are in two completely opposite worlds!) and willingness to be a star with all it's good and bad. This, in effect,
ruins the entire premise of your story.
10. Another suggestion: make Teresa more conniving and underhanded, but with class. To have succeeded (even with her dad as
a producer), she would have to have some smarts and ability. In reality, if her dad was giving her all the roles, and she
wasn't really able to deal with it or was impossible to work with (childish), he wouldn't be successful enough to produce a
box office hit. Therefore, Teresa might be a more convincing character if she was mature, conniving, classy, even pleasant to others, etc. But
something like a venomous snake in the grass to those she deems her enemies or competition. And Heather is apparently competition both for
her work and her man. That's a lot for any woman to accept with only a tantrum.
11. The after party seems more of an intimate affair. A small production company with a small group of people celebrating
the release of their movie. They are playing charades, which is fine, but it only focuses on them, without noticing or
including anything else. That simplifies the scene, and creates the idea that they are possibly the only people there that
matter. Is this a posh apartment? Is it in a famous part of town? Lastly, if it is so small and intimate, why is George
Clooney there?!
12. And when did she tackle him to the ground?! Why? Recently?
13. Finally, two more things. Detail! You need more detail to bring this story to life. Backgrounds, histories, settings,
describing the characters and their small ideosyncracies and habits - make them real!!! And this last one, I touched on indirectly, but now
I will say it point-blank. For any story to be accepted, it needs to be believable. It needs to be firmly rooted in
reality. Even fantasy or horror has to be believable through the characters actions and how they react to things. This
story is neither fantasy nor horror, etc., which means what happens to the characters needs to be even more connected to
what would really happen in reality.
I only offer these because I think this script has amazing potential. These are all just my suggestions and ideas. You do NOT have to listen to any
of it. I recommend doing these things or others to make it that much more exceptional. It's not perfect, but with work, it can be great. A story
needs to have something that will intrigue and entice readers, whether that enticement is psychological or for pure entertainment. Find the hook
you want to use to reel readers in, and you will find it becomes that much more engaging for you to write and for readers to read.
You have an excellent beginning here, and I would love to reread and re-review it after some changes and some more story is
put into it. Hope you don't mind my honesty.
Please write on!
Liza |
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