Loved it, wished there was more to it, I want to see how he got where he was to be in that room, and I want to see her win and get her life back! This was wonderful!
This is a powerful piece, and has a lot of potential to be a great piece. I would strongly encourage you to rewrite with the following changes.
1.) Break it up into smaller paragraphs. For example: In the last paragraph place a break between where she is left standing at her father's grave and where she comes back to the present.
2.) Dialog should be broken out from the descriptive paragraphs. Pick up a novel of any type and copy the format they use for breaking out the dialog. It makes the piece easier to follow.
3.) Lead with a hook - I would suggest putting action first, use a description of her watching the blood run down her arm and hook your reader! Whose blood is it? Is it hers, if so how did this happen and why?
4.) Add some logic about why she is choosing suicide as her only option. Why doesn't she run away or kill the mother?
5.) Do a little research on suicide. Suicide comes from depression, depression is anger turned inward. Why is this girl angry with herself, does she blame herself for her father's death?
6.) What is the catalyst? If her mother beats her all the time, why is this time different that she would react this way?
7.) Get rid of the first part about making plans for a party. She wouldn't do this if she is on the verg of killing herself. Suicides typically cut themselves off from their support systems, friends, family etc. Foreshadow the ending by demonstrating some of this suicidal behavior through one of your flashbacks.
You did a great job with the flashbacks, and the visualization parts of this story. I think this is going to be a great piece!
I really like this story, and I thought it flowed very well. The imagery was exceptional, almost poetic. I think a little more depth to the characters would have helped lighen the dark tone of the story. Maybe a pleading look from the cat, a moment of cat-human connection when she found him with the elves and again when he was finally released, something along those lines. Overall it was a well done story, and rather reminded me of Grimm's fairy tales as they were originally written.
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