Title:Circus Monkeys
Chapter:One
Round:One
Setting:You did a really fantastic job of imagining the setting of this first chapter. I could see, taste, smell and touch all of the things that you described. Also, the circus is definitely an interesting place where we all have our own sensory memories to work with. The Aunt's house and the father's trailer were also well imagined.
Character Development:The main character, Mallory, is very well realized. Especially because we are in her head. I have always liked stories that are in the first person because you really get an insight into the main characters thoughts. It is difficult, sometimes, to stick with only one person that intimately. Because of this, I think a lot of people shy away from it in a novel.
The father is, of course, not as vivid because we are not inside of his head. However, I think that we definitely got a feel for him by how you described his actions and reactions. Although I wish we could have seen a bit more of his reaction to his wife's death. Perhaps how he acted when he saw her fall off of the rope. Just a quick snippet would suffice.
We don't see much of the mother before she dies, but perhaps we could get a little about her from Mallory's point of view? I think that would help identify her loss if we knew what she was like.
The new character that is presented at the end of the chapter is well done as well. I liked the dialouge, it was very realistic. Love interest? I think it is save to say that that is the case! Mallory, as of right now, is feeling rather anti-social but I'm sure she'll come around. The boy seems quite charming already!
Historical Referencng: I don't think that this story takes place in the past. Or at least not in the distant past. I don't know how long the circus "HQ" so to speak, has been in Baraboo...but it can't be that long.
(Off topic: Although I have someone I could ask...it is kind of ironic when I read this. This saturday I went canoing with a friend of mine and she had brought along her brother and his wife. They were telling me about how they lived right across the street from the circus in Baraboo! I kind of laughed while I read that part, and said to myself:Oddly enough, I know that the circus is in Baraboo WI!)
Anyway, I don't believe that there really needs to be any time frame for this, because it is obviously in the recent enough past (or the present) that there is no need for historical referencing.
Plot: You hooked me in with the first paragraph. That is always a good thing. Usually if I am not hooked in by the first paragraph I don't finish reading. Starting with the vivid description of the circus was really a good touch. I was interested to see what was going to happen next (and with any good story or novel you always have to keep your reader wanting to answer that question!!)
I liked the way you managed the time jump from seven to seventeen. It was a rather smooth transition. Going from birthday to birthday and tragedy to tragedy. Very interesting continuity that you present here. And then bringing in the thought about the goldfish that died on her ninth birthday added a nice touch as well!
All in all I felt the plot was pretty strong. Right now I am not finding any suggestons that I need to make. Later on it will become more apparent if the plot needs to be tweaked. Since this is only the beginning there is not much to comment on.
Grammatical: There were only a few mistakes, and they looked mostly to be the product of typing too quickly. Typos and the like. I didn't see too many consistent grammar errors, and with a solid once over you should be able to catch them. This time I wasn't really looking for those errors anyway.
General: I am glad that you picked first person for your POV, I think that with the way this story is heading, it is nice to be in Mallory's head instead of jumping around from different peoples perspectives.
Personal Opinion: In general, I enjoyed this opening. You captured my attention right away (which is of the utmost importance if you are going to try for publication!!!) and if I were the editor I would at least give you a chance! (Editors can be kind of rough, or so I've heard.)
The plot was solid, there were no glaring errors or discrepencies, and it held my interest. I look forward to reading more, good job!
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