It appears you've poured your heart and soul into this poem, and it is indeed a sad tale, which most of us have shared at one time or another.
Some of the sentences within the stanzas are a bit confusing, such as:
"With not but a few words
Was flushed by me and your ken"
I'm not sure if he has someone else; a Ken?
You have a great ability to emote your feelings, and this reader certainly felt your pain.
Kudos
Lola
Your line spacing in this piece is a bit confusing for me because it all seems to run together instead of being broken up into paragraphs.
There are sentences which, for this reader are incomplete, such as:
"To Well, every night of every working day, that is.
do the same 40 minutes of the same thing every night."
You certainly possess a wonderful imagination and you present your feelings in an easy and comfortable style,
Thanks for sharing.
Lola
Your poem certainly reflect your fecund imagination, which spills onto the page in a wonderful poem.
Your descriptions are lovely, particularly when you dip into the warm colors. You bring a certain brightness to this day, and a glorious nostalgia for a lot of us.
I like how you bring your passion alive as you recall certain times in your life.
Kudos
Lola
You've wrapped a very powerful message inside your poem, and perhaps it was your intention to allow your readers to discern it for themselves.
For me, I took away what I needed.
Your certainly possess a vivid imagination and a great ability to emote your feelings.
Your expressions and descriptions were more than adequate to achieve your goal of bringing your readers into the scene with you.
Perhaps if you divided your poem into stanzas, it would provide for a smoother read. Just my opinion.
Kudos
Lola
Your story should be posted publicly for everyone to read as it is a sad commentary about what can happen when a person decides to drink and drive.
You certainly told a story that, no doubt, plays all over this country on a daily basis.
Needless to say, you are well versed in your writing skills and your grammar and punctuation made for an easy and comfortable flow.
The only thing I noticed was too may sentences starting with the word I.
Kudos,
Lola
I'm almost at a loss for words
Most of us felt that we were being contained when we started pre-school because after all, our only experience had been playing.
Needless to say, it's wonderful to be outdoors on a beautiful day, but as we come to learn, there are rules which we must obey, beginning with our parents.
You didn't mention that the teachers were abusive in any way, so I don't quite understand why you chose to hate school.
Surely, college will offer you a different experience, and remember that piece of paper is very valuable.
You might to re-read your comedy piece and break it up into paragraphs--just saying.
I've no doubt you will fare well in the contest because you've made brilliant use of so few words.
Your writing elicited a feeling of longing from this reader as you so adequately developed your character's sense of loss.
It's a unique gift to be able to emote such power feelings.
I always like to be reminded of the things we take for granted such as grass.
Kudos.
Lola
Your poem seems so exact; that is, that hope will surely die.
It is my wish that hope lives eternal, and my heart breaks for those who have lost love ones in most tragic way.
Most of us have to go through a process of grieving, and if we're lucky, at the end, we realize that the lives lost were of great value, and we need to show the world just what it has lost.
By honoring their memories, we offer hope to those who are journeying along with us.
Hope never dies.
I appreciate your ability to articulate your innermost feelings, and everyone's viewpoint should be respected.
Kudos,
Lola
Your poem seems to be a reflection of your inner-struggles to ascertain what is specifically right for you, and from I could manage to take away was respect.
You're right, our egos do hamper our ability to proceed at full speed sometimes, and we set up our own roadblocks by refusing to listen to the views of others.
Each person's journey, I believe, presents opportunities for us to learn not only about others, but primarily about ourselves. When we learn to lean and accept ourselves, true knowledge has the freedom to radiate out,
I enjoyed reading about your viewpoint.
Lola
Your poem is utterly beautiful.
I used to think nothing in life ever changed, until change hit me in the face.
It's scary and exciting how many changes of feelings we go through on a daily basis, and I think you've captured some of them so exquisitely. Your expressions are real, and I think that's a mark of a genuine writer.
Kudos,
Lola
Well, I must say your words, which are few, say it all.
In today's society, we worry so about being perfect, but as you note, what exactly is perfect.
The old adage "That beauty is in the eye of the beholder." is so true, and thankfully what I deem to be beautiful, others would not.
Diversity is the field of beauty.
Kudos,
Lola
Oh, but you do write about nostalgia in a most divine and romantic way.
Your descriptions are delicious and your ability to articulate placed this reader in the scenes, which was such a sweet respite.
Undoubtedly, you are a very talented writer as evidenced by this poem.
Kudos,
Lola
You are indeed very clever.
Your poem was a fun read, but I also could sense your passion for writing, which I share with you.
You're right, fresh ideas are tough to come by, but I'm finding lately that almost anything can be expanded upon.
I'm glad I stopped by because you've inspired me.
Kudos,
Lola
Your personal story about your love and passion for writing has a connecting thread that most of us can share.
Some of us, namely me, did not encounter my passion until later in life, but as I look back it was a latent feeling.
You do write with such comfort. It's almost as if your thoughts flow like raindrops. You make it look so easy.
I congratulate you for your diligence and bravery to branch out into other genres, and I've no doubt you will succeed at whatever you choose to try
Kudos,
Lola
Wow! That was an exhilarating read.
You certainly possess a fecund imagination, and you know how to articulate and display it in a manner that pulls the reader into the scene .
I felt myself rooting for the man who was on the run as I pictured him to be an American soldier in a situation of dire emergency.
You not only rose to the occasion of writing a short story, but you surpassed it.
Kudos,
Lola
I like it!
Nothing is sexier than a confident man or woman, and you're right, we shouldn't have to dress to impress; however, that's a hard rule to dodge, especially in today's society.
I admire your truth and respect your right to choose your way. Your poem displays courage, determination and above all, a willingness to love and accept yourself just the way you are.
You're an asset to this website and to our culture.
Kudos,
Lola
Oh how sad your poem has made me feel.
The suffering people go through, unfortunately for so many is silent, and those who care greatly don't have the opportunity to help.
We need to place more emphasis on mental illness so that teenagers, and people of all ages, will not feel so alone.
How sad!
I don't why we are so afraid to voice our opinions and allow our words to be heard. Perhaps we are afraid of what others will think of us.
Succumbing to silence shouldn't be an option, but unfortunately it is.
You articulate your innermost feelings so beautifully as you speak for so many of us.
Kudos
Lola
I like big hair; the bigger the better.
You're luck you have big hair because so many people have such limp, baby-fine hair.
I'm not quite sure what dention is; maybe you can explain.
Also, you might want to spell pick, since many of your readers may be wondering what a 'pic' is.
Good job.
Lola
I love it!
Your positive attitude shines brightly through your writing, and this year marks a new beginning for each of us.
I agree with you wholeheartedly, let's purge the anger and make room for good cheer.
Happy New Year and may you receive all your heart's desires.
Lola
Your imagination appears to be full of beautiful ideas; however, your sentences, for this readers, are confusing and disconnected.
It was difficult for me to follow your descriptions and I've given you a couple of examples.
Perhaps if you separated your sentences, your short read would not appear to be one long paragraph.
I believe you have a lot to say, and your place of welcome is one we all would love to visit.
The only place I felt welcome (This is an incomplete sentence)
And how accepting were these trees (What trees?)
I admire your the goals you have set for yourself, and I've no doubt you will succeed at whatever you choose.
Your passion comes alive in your writing and I'm delighted to be educated about the academy.
I noticed a few things and I hope you accept my critique in the manner it is given--helpful.
Always spell out anagrams so that your readers will know exactly what you are referring to.
Punctuation is important and a comma should be inserted between New London and Connecticut.
Perhaps start a new paragraph so that your short piece will not look like one big paragraph.
"To get in to the academy you have to be rely smart and rely athletic" This sentence confused me because I was thinking of directions, and you misspelled (really) Perhaps you might to revise to include prerequisites of being admitted to the academy.
"you would lean the same stuff as students in Stanford would learn" Stuff seems out of line for such a prestigious school and your phrasing is awkward.
"That does how good the school is great things can happen here" This sentence is totally confusing
I thoroughly enjoyed your story, and it's funny, but I know about an ex-girlfriend's club. But these girls/women are very, very bitter.
You articulate a story very well, and your writing is very fluid.
I found myself smiling while reading your story, and that's a good thing.
I did notice that you like using ellipses. Maybe a comma every once in a while might add the right flair.
Kudos,
Lola
Your opening stanza gave me pause to wonder what country told you to chase success. I've always thought success would chase us.
Admittedly, I don't quite understand you metaphor about the CEO creating a pile of corpses, and your use of corpses twice seems a bit redundant.
You obviously possess a very fecund imagination as your musings seem to flow so easily.
Happy New Year
Lola
Your descriptions of a rainbow are so lovely, and you're right, no man could create such a marvelous entity, and that's why I choose to believe it's God's promise to us all.
If only the love between two people could be everlasting, but for most it is not.
Your musings are inspirational and you certainly have shown us your romantic side.
Kudos,
Lola
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