Hi upper 2!
Your depiction of the farmers market and the circumstances of your afternoon there helped to set the scene for me. It also me gave a sense of the laid back nature of your protagonist when you said "George was just 'chillin after a burger and a beer." Also, I've never seen anyone use "pulchritude" in a story.*Wink* Cool!
The eight guidelines also gives a little insight into what George and his friends are like, as well as mentioning they are all either married or had girlfriends. This gave me a clue as to what the age range of the group might be.
Admittedly, I had to re-read the story a couple of times to realize that some of the women were being rated at different times and in different places other than that day in the market. It may totally be just me, but I found it to be confusing.
For instance, just before listing the girl watching guides and clarifying their diligence in observing said rules, you wrote:
“George and a small group of his friends enjoyed checking out the women”
I assumed this was a past tense narrative about that day at the market and were about to recall some of the women George and his friends had observed there. Omitting that "the" would've clarified that we weren't necessarily talking about the specific women of that day.
The first example you gave was the description of the 12 year old which I read as narrated to be observed right then in the market.
A new paragraph between where George talks about the 12 year old and recalling Sam's story would be helpful to show the two incidents were unrelated:
"...Her measurements were about 34B-27-34.
"As George relaxed in the shade he recalled..."
As written, I wasn't quite sure if George and Sam had seen the 12 year old and the 15 year old separately while at the farmer's market that day, and that's why George was reflecting on Sam's description of the 15 year old after he rated the 12 year old. It seemed like Sam saw the 15 year old first, implying that Sam happened to learn the girls were cousins by overhearing a conversation between them or the family or something.
It wasn't until Sam says he observed the 15 year old in a bikini at his pool, and overhears his aunt talking to his mother about her bra size that I realized she was Sam's cousin, and the story was in a completely different place.
Also, referring to her as "Sam's cousin" or "his cousin" would help further clarify this more than just "a cousin". Like I said though, it may just be me.
It would also be helpful to clarify Scott's story. For example:
Instead of “Another member Scott had seen a young woman with his sister." You could phrase it like "Another member, Scott, had once seen a young woman with his sister."
This would present to the reader right up front that this event happened in the past somewhere else and didn't have anything to do with girl watching at the market.
I know this is all really English teacher-y, but thought it may be helpful to share. At least from my perspective, like I said I may be the only one who got tangled up in the setting and tense.
One last thing I was somewhat confused by was the genres under which you classified the story. I get it from a cheeky point of view with a sense of humor AFTER you've read the story, buuuuut it may lead to some unsuspecting little old lady giving you a low rating because she thought she was going to read about someone's delightful trip to a farmer's market, but it ended up being a bro tale about girl watching. *Laugh*
Your descriptions of the women were somewhat clear as followed by the eight rules, but that kinda made them one dimensional.
I know the point you set out to make was to describe the women from a purely aesthetic point of view. I'm guessing you were trying to illustrate that the guys weren't cheaters by making sure that no one made their observations too personal, but I feel like you may be walking a tightrope on that one.
What you described in the very beginning as an appreciation for the beauty of the feminine gets lost because there are so few indications of how each woman was actually beautiful other than the numbers.
A more comprehensive description of the girls would help your readers appreciate the POV of the members of the girl watcher's club even more. It would also take us along with them into these scenarios.
I'd be interested to know why these particular women grab their attention (other than measurements). Do any of the women remind him of an ex, or a friend? Does he just dig redheads? I want to know more about your characters, particularly your main protagonist. Especially as relates to what it was about the shadow woman that drew him more than any other woman he saw that day.
I'd love to know what happened between George and Sam when they realized George was intrigued by Sam's aunt. Did he care? Did he think it was funny? The title of the story is specifically about her, so a climactic situation surrounding his encounter with her, even if it was just observational, would be appropriate to create there.
IMHO including at least a few of these elements would give your prose more depth, which will make your reader want to continue to read the story, especially if you are looking to reach a variety of readers regardless of gender or orientation.
This piece could be developed into a really interesting study in the reflections of the male mind (most straight females are always curious as to what is running through a man's mind as she walks down the street) as well as the nuances of human nature. The concept of the boy-watches-girl story is ancient and almost always relatable, if not also interesting, funny, dramatic, erotic, etc.
It's up to you to introduce your characters, relationships, backstory and such to take your readers on a trip showing the strengths of that concept.
Thanks for the read,
TPB
*******************DISCLAIMER!!!**********************
These are only my own opinions, of course. Take what points you think are helpful (if any) and chuck the rest in the bin. If anything I've said strikes a nerve, feel free to let me know. I'm pretty thick skinned.
|
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "
.
): "Yeah, yeah. It's all "those people should...", and "why can't they..." 'till it's YOUR ass on the slab. Then it's "what society/the government/everyone and their cat should do for ME".
