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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lostgirl
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Review of Tangled Webs  Open in new Window.
Review by AngelEyes Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
I liked the concept of the story, and I liked the diary approach, with events developing over time.

Where this failed to grab me was I didn't feel any of the characters was developed enough, particularly your main character John Surrat. I think because of this it seemed more like a narration of events than a story that pulled me in. This is a shame because I liked the plot.

I would like to know more about how John feels and thinks. This is difficult. Try showing rather than telling. You could expand ‘had grown tired of his wife, tired of her looks, tired of her nagging and tired of being tied to her.’ Perhaps describe more specifically something like the colour of her hair, that she perhaps hasn’t changed since she was eighteen, and how she looks tired and dated, and goes to the hairdressers every week and spends his money making herself look awful. Perhaps John thingks he's cool, and she isn't.

On a purely logical note, how did John get some of the ingredients for his potions? Dog Semen? That sounds like a story on his own. It would be clearer to know he was a Doctor from the start; maybe introduce him as Doctor John Surrat.

Good Plotting, work on the character development.

Write On!!
AngelEyes
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