Dear Baby Girl,
I am reviewing your piece for the "We Luv In-Depth Reviews! Contest."
Overall Impression
You have chosen a topical subject matter. Alzheimer's is an incredibly devastating disease that takes a huge toll on not only the victim but his family as well. I sense that you have tried to convey that. Most readers would like to read a story with this theme. What made you choose to write about a family afflicted by Alzheimer's? Are you in nursing? Did you have a relative die of the disease?
Since medical dramas are still so popular, a story of this type would have a good chance of being published by a women's magazine like Good Housekeeping, or a family publication like Reader's Digest. Look how long ER has been on TV; now they have Gray's Anatomy too.
Story Structure
Your piece flows well - but - this is not so much a story as a sequence of events. Look at how many paragraphs you have begun with words indicating time: "The next day"/"The next morning"/"The three days"/"When"/"The whole next week"/"Days turned into weeks"/"At about midnight"/"At about five." And those are just some examples.
I knew what would happen at the end. The events all unfolded neatly and in their proper time. Therefore, the story did not hold my interest. A short story should not run like clockwork, not a miniscule event left out. There should be conflict, and a plot twist or two. I really started to get bored when the kids were talking about their dad's stocks and bonds. Another reason I lost interest is because the dialouge seems stilted and artificial. The words are right, but somehow they just lack a genuine quality.
Physically, the story badly needs spacing. The lengthy paragraphs with conversation should not be a giant block, but you should put spaces each time a new character begins speaking. Here is an example:
WRONG WAY
"Say, Schmedrick, have you seen my dachsund, Helmut." "No, I can't say I have. What's going on?" He chased the balloon man down the street at noon, and he hasn't come back for his afternoon Wienerschnitzel."
RIGHT WAY
"Say, Schmedrick, have you seen my dachsund, Helmut?"
"No, I can't say I have. What's going on?"
"He chased the balloon man down the street at noon, and he hasn't come back for his afternoon Wienerschnitzel."
Characters/Character Development
The characters are rather bland. There is little internal or external conflict. I see no discernable character changes or development. Yes, Jake, Mary, and the children accept the disease, but it seems pre-fabricated.
Unless this family is The Waltons, it is implausible that all five grown children as well as their spouses are willing and able to pitch in at a moment's notice. In this modern time, at least one kid would have strayed far from her ranching roots and maybe even been hard to locate. They ALL come back for Thanksgiving?
This family is going through a terrible time, yet it is hard for the reader to relate to them because they seem more like cardboard cutouts than fleshed-out real people. Jake and Mary are not too bad, but the reader can't tell one kid from the other.
There is not a hint of physical description of any of the characters. What do these people look like?
Suggestions
You need to breathe more life into the characters. You do a pretty good job with Jake and Mary, but the kids all seem like clones with the exact same mindset. Have a little conflict. Maybe one child will be too late coming to the funeral. Maybe kids will bicker over who will stay with dear old Dad. Realistically, it is most often one kids who gets saddled with the responsibility of taking care of an aging and ailing parent. My grandmother passed away in December. For the last ten years, when she had been going down hill, my aunt broke her neck working full-time and taking care of her. The other two daughters did not help. One never came around at all, the other visited maybe twice and pushed my grandmother around in her wheelchair and then bragged about it, feeling she had done her part.
Also, I think it is realistic that Mary would secretly be angry at Jake, for forgetting precious memories, for falling apart on her. That happens. Maybe you could have Mary say to herself, "Why are you leaving me? I need the strong man I married. I am getting old, too. We were suppose to be together in our twilight years. Now who will take care of me?"
Lastly, the story completely lacks descriptive writing. You need to make the reader feel what these characters are feeling. Use all your senses: sight, sound, smell, touch, and taste. Describe the house they live in. Describe the food at Thanksgiving.
Jake would not have perished if a full search party was mounted so soon after he wandered off. I think having ALL the kids in the house with an intercom is unbelievable.
Positives
The title is perfect. It fits perfectly with the very end of the story. I think the ending is beautiful in that he died how he would have liked to have died, instead of in a hospital bed.
With re-structuring and re-writing, this story could be a real tearjerker and touch readers' hearts. I would be willing to help you as your editor. And I am not saying I am the greatest short story author in the world - feel free to have at my port!
Sincerely,
Lotusneko
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