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Public Reviews
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Review of Silence  Open in new Window.
Review by Story Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I usually don't review poetry because I am not an expert in the discipline. However, I like silence and therefore I read this. (I do write poetry but not as much as I would like to).

The patterns in the poem hit out at me. In the first three verses the word SIlence is repeated. And the last lines make a full sentence. The adverbs employed are all related to what Silence should be.

The last verse rhymes. The rhyming is not forced.

But mostly I like those last lines of each verse. They could stand out as an added verse. Never a truer word has been spoken about silence. Thanks for the charming read.

Louis
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Review of The Eagle  Open in new Window.
Review by Story Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi, my name is Louis. Please be aware that this review is based on opinion only. My reviews are not cast in stone, as we are all different as writers.

Ther title grabbed me and begged attention. I guess it's because I am a Scorpio and the Eagle is one of it's symbols. You employ lively words to describe the rule of the Eagle. Adjectives such as Majestic, sombre, obduracy, thunderous,sweet, tender, fierce,treacherous,fat. This is a neat collection of descriptive words. Some might say that there are too many, I say blah to that.

I see a metaphore here which makes the piece strong in it's translation. I could compare it with humanity. The comparisons are too numerous to mention, but one of them might relate to big business versus small business.

Hence the 4.5 stars, for this piece is multidimensional.
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Review of Special Child.  Open in new Window.
Review by Story Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Foxette. My name is Louis. Please be aware that this review is based on my opinion only and is meant to encourage your writing efforts.

This work gripped me as it was lightly and passionately written. The title drew me in , and the tag line. Immediately I wanted to know what made Alice so special. Then I found out as I read through it, that Alice is a metaphore for all children. Because all children are special in the eyes of their parents. But there is another metaphore here, and this is why I awarded you five stars: It is that all children will seek freedom, the swing in the park represents this "flying for freedom" that will come one day.

Mechanics in General
The writing cooked. Its my term for a well written piece. The ingredients were there, and the cooking was great. I base the ingredients on the following writing principals:

Characters: Normal folk who love their daughter but understand that children are not owned, they are simply on loan, therefore they enjoy every moment with Alice. The descriptions of the characters come out during the narrative of the piece so I could see and engage with them in the park.

The Hook: No one ever had to tell Alice that she was special. She just knew. Drew me, and engaged me from the get go.

The richness of the piece is a bliss study in the social aspect of how a parent thinks.

Narrative and POV : Omniscient Simple Past Tense Continuous through Adam's eyes. What he sees. How the work progresses and the atmosphere all intertwined to make a good prologue.

Pacing: I felt that the pacing could have been a little faster especially towards the end of the prologue.

Narrative and setting: Descriptions are written well. Each word accounting for something. I did not find one word wanting. Throughout is a light, feather feeling of delightful writing.

If there is one criticism, I would say: try not to use so many "would" words. Otherwise, I thought this work to be a brilliant snapshot of a moment captured well.

Thank you I enjoyed this.
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Review of The Clock Tower  Open in new Window.
Review by Story Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Louis and this review is based upon my opnion only. Please take some time to read the review and respond accordingly. I base my review on many writing principles, and hope it may be of some help to you.

The Clock Tower drew me because of its title. So many writers choose names of songs and or cliche'd titles to express their work, it is obvious that the writer, in this case, has not succumbed to this practice. Also, the title brings mystery and a sense of impending danger to the story. An eerieness that surrounds the entire piece.

In this story a man names Sanger has kidnapped a boy, takes him to the clock tower where he intends to kill him, but does not expect resistance. He succeeds in his goal and the horror of his reasoning is psychological and biblical in nature.

I enjoyed this short tale by virtue of the following writing principles: The writer uses the five senses to draw the reader in. The sight of the clocktower, the smell of oil and the sound of the shifting gears, the swish and swash of air. By using this tool he invokes a sense of engagement with the reader. Engaging the reader, is, after all, one of the most important rewards in fiction, no matter what the genre.

Pacing: In a tale such as this the pacing will have to be quick and furious. It is. Pacingmust leave the reader breathless, and, although it falls just short of that, I still find that the pacing is well written.

Dialogue: The dialogue moves the story forward, and there are no places in the dialogue which stops the flow of the writing. Dialogue tags are used well.

Grammar: The work is well written, and I suspect, self edited. The grammar gremlins are not easily seen. At first glance there are very few grammatical errors.

Mecahnics: The flow of the paragraphs and the dialogue is engaging. It is clear that Sanger is psychotic. There is a "physcotic" sound to his dialogue. The only reason I did not give five stars is because I see in this tale a metaphore, but for the life of me, I cannot find it. Maybe the writer can help.

Characters: Sanger and the nameless boy are vivid. The boy's fear is well dramatized. He does not understand the motive behind his kidnapping, however, he does know that he is dealing with a seriously demented being. Sanger has a limp, he is a large man by the sound of his heavy shoes. He is fixated by the mechanism of this clock tower. Sanger does not see himself as evil, but he sees the boy as perhaps the antichrist, who will kill millions.


In General. A suspenseful tale that engaged this reader, well told, and certainly a tale that provokes thought in the reader.

Thank You

Respect
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Review of Homecoming  Open in new Window.
Review by Story Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I'm reading this short tale of a recently divorced woman on her way home and I'm enjoying all the substance there is in here. I'd like you to know that I clicked on the titlle because the blurb that you gave it, drew me in immediately and I'm glad I came in. But let's first put to rest the only problem I found. The wwords, indefinable expression is used twice in this piece. I would suggest you remove one of them.

Now for the good stuff.

Julia's Character:
Divorce is painful. There is nothing that will quickly take the pain away, it is something that has to be worked through. She is dealing with grief, with rejection, and a broken heart. Taking away the pain would make her miss out on the growing process which is so necessary to bring about real healing. And she might risk getting into a rebound relationship.

This is the time to work on herself and personal growth and stabilizing her life. It’s ok to give herself time to work through this. She does not have to crumble underneath the weight of this transition. she can learn to grow again. This is how you portrayed her in my eyes. She has weight and is a woman of substance. However, she can't hold down a relationship.

Nick Danton: A man who HAD everything going for him. You leave his history up to the reader's imagination. How did he get from a financial guy to a taxi driver? So many things could have happened inbetween.

As usua POV strictly Omniscient simpe past continuous. Well written. MPacing and flow was just right for a story of this calibre. Not too fast not too slow. The mechanics of paragraph and sentence structure is perfecty.

The ending: I was taken by surprise here. I did notice that Nick DID NOT SPEAK and it should have clicked so I was really suprised.

Well done

Respect
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Review by Story Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
HiSpeakn Easy. My name is Louis. Please be aware that this review is based on my opinion only and is meant to encourage your writing efforts.

This prologue gripped me as it was tightly written and a number of questions now come to mind? What are they mining? Is the prologue a happening that took place in the past, which means the rest of the story will take place in the future. Adam's future perhaps?

The principals of a prologue are simple: We all know how much responsibility lies on the opening chapter: introducing the protagonist, making people care for him or her, and establishing the time-frame and locale; all while maintaining a good pace and a high level of interest. Enough pressure to drive any worker insane. But what if you need your introduction to convey even more. That's where the prologue comes in. The prologue is much like an outworker, a wildcard that gives you the chance to begin your story twice, at two different points. The prologue has to contribute to the plot. It has to reveal significant, relevant facts, without which the reader will be missing something. You cannot afford to have your prologue idling away under the pretence of creating an atmosphere. Its first duty is to supply information that is or will be vital to the understanding of the plot.

But that's hardly enough. After all, every chapter delivers key facts, which ultimately amount to the plot. What makes bits of information require a prologue? Any number of reasons. Perhaps relating them in the body of the novel would cause a breach in point-of-view etiquette. Perhaps they occur in another time or place, and have too much weight to mention by-the-by. Or they might choke the narrative to death with background details. Any of these cases, and some others.

This prologue gripped me as it was tightly written and a number of questions now come to mind? What are they mining? Is the prologue a happening that took place in the past, which means the rest of the story will take place in the future. Adam's future perhaps?

Mechanics in General
The writing cooked. Its my term for a well written piece. The ingredients were there, and the cooking was great. I base the ingredients on the following writing principals:

Characters: Normal folk placed in an extraordinary situation.

The Hook: It was a barren wasteland ... hooked me from the word go. The bleekness and the emptiness of an apocalyptic landscape came to mind.

Narrative and POV : The narration and POV does not trouble me. Omniscient Simple Past Tense Continuous through Adam's eyes. What he sees. How the work progresses and the atmosphere all intertwined to make a good prologue.

Pacing: I felt that the pacing could have been a little faster especially towards the end of the prologue.

Narrative and setting: Descriptions are written well. Each word accounting for something. I did not find one word wanting. Throughout is the feeling of impending doom.

Having said this, let's see If I can find any grammar gremlins for you and offer guidance as to how I see them.

feeling that lasing sense of pride (lasting?)
Falling down was not something that was looked down on= that was frowned upon. (releasing one repeated DOWN)
but having fell within (fell should be fallen)
a mob of panic (just say panic).

Now I wait to see the rest of Adam's story. ..

Thank you I enjoyed this.
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Review of Laws of Nature  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
A good 55 worder.

I liked the adjectives and verbs used. Sinister Gazes Transfixed. Unstead Gait. Trudged. Excited screeches. Exhausted collapse. Pitiful screams. Deadly beaks.

With a 55 worder, one must convey the story as economically as possible. Your piece is weighty and has meat (pun) and this is what makes it stand out.


You have done for the desert in 55 words, what Jaws did for the ocean and sharks in a movie that was 1hr and 20 minutes long.

Well done.
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Review by Story Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
i TOTALLY GET THIS.

Plus. it is well written. Hungrily descriptive. Weighty and meaty. A woman who had been supressed by her husband, beaten, trodden upon, views her latest work, a giant chicken sculptured and held in position by metal wire struts, much like the chimneys of the Titanic before it sank.

an all to familiar should read "all too familiar" it's a long oo.

It's as if the chicken will free her of her mindless preoccupation with her past.

Like all flashm you have a strong beginning, middle and end. The language is perfect in every way and the nuances leading up to the last line were vivid. I loved the way you poetically gave this piece some form of symmetry by using Perfect on its own. And The world noticed on another line. But did the world notice enough, it seems to be saying. Does the world know how she suffered mentally and physically.

So the questions remain.

But hopefully the pain and memories will not haunt her any longer. Hopefully she will get out there and BECOME, just like the chicken had become a portrait of a wife beater.

I loved this in every way

Respect, Louis
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Review by Story Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi, my name is Louis. Please be aware that this review is based solely on my own opinion. Please understand that my review is not cast in stone, and is merely here to guide you in your writing.

ABout this STory
I was drawn to this piece because of the title. The Black Cape and Top Hat. It holds innuendos of darkness and Jack the Ripper. Little did I realise before I started reading, that the similarities are strong. In a nutshell, this story tells of a man who is haunted by the death of his best friend when he was a young lad, either by dogs, or a person in a Dark Cape and Top Hat.

General
The story is well written and polished. It is by nature, a fast paced read and you have been true to that principle in order to engage the reader and invoke in him an emotional response.

POV
POV is omniscient, and well written to capture Corry's scene, then the discussion between Ben and his wife, and the meeting with the man in the Dark Cape and Top Hat, and eventually, Ben's own mauling. The POV, I feel, is consistent and appropriate for the tale.

Settings
The settings include graphic descriptions of Correy's death, as well as Ben's death. However, I felt that there could have been a little more even though I could vizualize the incidents. The discussion between Ben and his wife takes place over breakfast and the scene where he meets the killer is also quite vivid.

Characters
The characters are well known to you, as the writer. You don't really describe Ben and Mindy. However, the way they speak and act are enough of a description for me to know that they are middle aged, that Ben is a cop so he must be law abiding. It made me think that he became a cop in order to solve this case. When I read a story, I don't want to read about just any somebody, I want to read about an interesting somebody and Ben is interesting because you have given him a major problem. Viz., the vision. How will he cope? How will he react? All of his actions must relate to this man in the Dark Cape and Top Hat. And the killer is as homo fictus should be; larger than life and larger with everything. The fact that he rips his victims, and that he appears only as a shadow at times, is also large in my eyes.

Dialogue
Dialogue ius used to describe characters and ultimately to move the story on. You have used tags well, and you certainly don't overdo it, I have seen many a writer overdo dialogue tags and it spoils and even halts the flow of the piece. Yours was well paced, therefore the dialogue would be well paced and thought out too.

Mechanics:
The story works well because you have taken the nature of a short story and used it's natural brevity to capture what could have been written in over two or three chapters. The brevity of short stories meaning that there is only room for one plot really, whereas a novel might have several subplots. Alsao, with the short story comes brevity of character. You must describe the character by using one aspect instead of a dozen smaller aspects. You did this well.

The Hook:
The first line should have contained a hook, but sadly it didn't, however, by the end of the first scene I was hooked through the dialogue. I felt that the hook could have been stronger.

Before I go onto a line by line commentary: I would like to say that some of the story could have been SHOWN a lot more than simply telling. Especially the scene that begins: "When Ben was seven years old he witnessed a terrible sight...when really they don’t." I felt this scene could have been expounded on with more weight. I didn't feel involved. I was like an outsider, where I would have liked to have been on the inside.

I loved the line that ends...he continued, baring a mouthful of long, yellow pointed teeth, “your imagination.” For me, this was the crux, the entire point of the story. Imagination can kill, imagination can live. Imagination can create its own life.

A couple of line by line gremlins:

“A dream?” Mindy asked. (no tag required)

And since they didn’t, he did. (this line is not required)


He was sure it had to be Corey, but it looked too big to be Corey. (no need to use Corey's name twice)

But Corey didn’t answer. Couldn’t answer. Would never answer. (Loved this)

The seven-year old’s body had been violently ripped apart, his blood still dripping (delete STILL)


When Ben finished his story, sans the gory details, Mindy just shook her head. (Delete JUST)
He was trying to think (WAS TRYING why not TRIED).


All in all a great little story. I thoroughly enjoyed it

Thank You

Respect
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Review by Story Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Well written and deserving of first choice. The plight of an injured climber. The angst and the as you say, the pleasure of a natural high. Maybe this piece comes from your own experience because I could feel the pain and see the image. But there is more to this than just an injured climber, and you said it yourself in the piece: SHe had climbed to the top successdfully many times before. Now, failure. As in real life, one cannot be successful without failing. To know failure, is to know success. This is what I got out of it.

Flash needs a hook and any piece that starts with the drone of a helicopter hooks me. Propells me forward. I noted two little gremlins but that's me just being picky. She could hear him say = She heard him say. 60 feet higher = 60 feet above her.

The pacing included short and long sentences which is always a must in this kind of tale.

The character's thoughts are important to convey a picture of the character, and you did this well. She comes across as a dare devil who is successful in business and in her social life.

Well done, and congratulations.

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Review of Illegal  Open in new Window.
Review by Story Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Well, I like this story because of the way you have written it. The sentence structure is clear and precise and the flash ending is unexpected. Although, the last line of the first part is a little bit of a giveaway. Your flash had weight and substance, and the enigma of the gothic boy caused me to read on. The only problem I found with this is that the hook wasn't apparent from the get go. Your descriptions and settring is perfect. Just the hook bothered me. I wasn't drawn into it as I would have hoped. I may need to read it again to capture all the nuances.
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Review of Deus ex Machina  Open in new Window.
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Rated: E | (3.5)
On the whole, this is a unique work. Machine against man instead of man against machine kind of science fiction that Ray Bradbury and Isaac Asimov realised . I do not agree that he has not fulfilled his destiny. He did what he came to do. However, I did see that he failed to mention one failure that he may have picked up from humanity, and that is self-pity. The piece is wrought with self pity even though he does say that he is imperfect. This piece sparks debate. Is this machine our Living God? If so, why would he not make himself known? Is this machine what the Vatican has tried to hide since Christianity? Is this machine not unlike a mechanical bible? Hell, we can argue this all day and not come up with any form of agreement, and that is what makes for great fiction.

And then theold machine designs a new machine. Like the Old Testament becoming the New Testament. A God of Anger, to a God of Love. Indeed i do like the comparisons. And I must say, your piece did spark much debate around our dinner table last night.

My son said a machine like this will be too pwerful and self destruct within moments of its existence.

My partner said she cannot imagine a world where humans will dailify a machine.

I said anything is possible, and who ever said that a machine like this is not found elsewhere amongst all the universes in our biosystem.

The point is that with today's technology, virtually anything is possible. The one thing that has bothered me is this; we have brilliant, life changing technology, but man has never once created another human in the lab. Why should we when we create life through pregnancy.

Anyway, I thought this piece was good enough to talk about at our dinner table. Certainly got our blood boiling.
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Review of Shed  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Horrific! But then again, that's the first reaction that came to me whilst reading this excellent tale. It is not said in the writing, but it did come to mind that Jason's father killed Grandad and grandma and Bowser to feed his insatiable lust for blood. What drives a man to do such things?

The title is apt. Shed. A place that Jason will fear for all of his life. It will haunt him and maybe even destroy him. These are the untold consequences of seeing the horrifyiong act of a killer in action. Sure, Jason might even pack it all away in his subconcious while he grows up, but one day. One. Day. It. Will. Return.

The mother is equally to blame for this carnage. She sobs and seeks pity from the reader but that ain't gonna happen, for "the last time" is never the last time.

The writing is solid as the story builds up. It flows and is easy on the eye. The characters are not stereotyped and the pacing is good, although it could be better by using action verbs.

Poor little Jason.

Although the piece is seen through Jason's eyes, his name is repeated 28 times, where you could use the simple pronoun "He". This irked me a little but that is only my opinion.


Spot has been with Jason (should be HAD)
ason’s best friend and only friend. (should be BEST AND ONLY FRIEND)
and they didn’t even have kids. (Reduce EVEN repeated twice in one line)
He snuggled Spot a little tighter now ()Reduce NOW)
as a chill started to pass up his spine. (Reduce started to, just say PASSED UP)
His pyjamas were damp, and the cool morning air seemed to climb (Reduce seemed to and just say CLIMBED)
into the material and cling (CLUNG)
With each glance over his shoulder the monster seemed to(reduce SEEMED TO suggestion APPEARED)
It was the screaming coming from the shed at the end of the back yard. (This sentence is so strong that it can be placed as a stand alone sentence)
faded away (Delete AWAY)
the strangeness of hearing a woman’s scream started to (Reduce STARTED TO and replace with a stronger VERB)

Jason now stood just yards (Reduce NOW)
roof to allow some natural light inside. (Reduce SOME)
His dad had built (reduce HAD)

What if one of those monsters was waiting inside that shed, (Reduce WAS WAITING say WAITED)
making noises to lure him inside, before grabbing him and tearing (Reduce one ING just say TO TEAR)
come looking for her. (Reduce COMER LOOKING rather say FIND)

What would his mother being doing out in the shed (Sentence not structured properly)
and a monster was waiting (reduce WAS WAITING just say WAITED)
seemed to become (Reduce SEEMED TO BECOME just say BECAME) Not only reasonable, but likely.

I think you see where I am taking this. If you reduce these parts of grammar that clutter good writing, then you will have the perfect piece. Of-course, I will never know if you do this, but I assure you, as an editor, I know these clutty little words reduce good writing.

Having said this, I do believe that the piece hooked me, sent shivers up my spine from the start and even put Stephen King to shame.
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Review by Story Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Interesting. Flash note book fiction. Raw. Angsty.
Remove AND YET, SLOWLY, AGAIN, THE SIDE WHERE SHE HAD BEEN SHOT, SOUNDING, SHE PICKED UP THE GUN AND LOOKED BETWEEN HIM AND IT.
The sentence should read as follows: "Save me," he said, handing....punctuation.

These changes should increase the pace, which is, after all what you want to do. The piece needs to read fast, so those words I told you to remove are actually redundant.

A good piece. Play with your writing. You are the artist. Your pen and puter are your tools, your brushes. You should be able to paint beautiful words for the reader to see the picture, and always, always, have fun with how you structure sentences.

Thanks for this once again
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Review of BOUNDING HOME  Open in new Window.
Review by Story Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Reading this was a pleasure. It cannot be faulted on any level. It is well written by a writer who holds a deep and inspiring love for the English language. What a joy to be able to read without interruption of the flow, without having to drift through a senseless, meaningless collation of errors. I was drawn into your world of battle from the first word, and I wanted this story to continue. The prose,style and articulation of the piece seemed to me like a cushion made from sultry down. Eloquent. Spellbinding.


Many people enjoy writing as a pastime. Some of these people never advance past the most rudimentary skills needed to be a good writer. Becoming a good, or even great writer,requires a great deal of dedication to the craft and a willingness to learn from reading. And the journey is rewarding.

I particularly enjoyed the imagery of War and Peace you describe so well:
weaving our way through dying men crying for their mothers.
yellow rape flowers.
Serene daydreams vanish, replaced by disparaging images of once-thriving towns reduced to smoldering ruins; acres of rich farmland strewn with the bloated bodies of soldiers and farm animals rotting amidst the twisted remains of war machinery.

I could well imagine the late Richard Burton's fine voice reading this, and as I did so, I warmly smiled

Thank you for a beautiful story.

Respect
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Review of CONSPIRACY  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Solid. The pacing is relentless. I love the one liners because each word impoacts upon the next and the writer cannot let up. Cannot relax. Pacing usually comes to a writer after a lot of experience. Once in a while, pacing happens to some writers intuitively. Others have to take extra care during the process of writing and especially when revisions are made. This way, in time, proper pacing will start happening naturally. As in everything, practice makes perfect. And yours is near perfect let me add. Rhythm is one of the elements that cause the readers to get emotionally involved with the story.

Poor Oliver! I really wanted him to escape, you certainly screwed that up for me when your story reached its climax. It's well told. You begin close to the main action and you shoot the story forward from there with a superb close.

I would suggest that before posting, you check the small gremlins in your work. No matter how good the work is, it can be off putting for a reader when there are slight typo's and small gremlins.

The made a squeaking sound.
Oliver fear arose from the pits
They will use us to fish bait
There are more, but I will let you find them and fix them up.

I also found that you use Oliver's name quite a lot. You could reduce his name and simply use HE, because the reader does know that Oliver is the main character. You should only use his name if the scene will confuse the reader.

Becareful of redundant verb phrases: here's one that is common among us writers and should be avoided:

Here's another: Roger was wet, his face wet and lifeless. He was mumbling.
You could reconstruct the sentences without repeatinmg WET as follows: His face was wet and lifeless. He mumbled something.

Well, I hope my advice is cool for you.

Thanks for a delightful read and look forward to reading more of your work.

Oliver began chuckling. Why not simply, Oliver chuckled. Firstly, you get rid of the word began and you also reduce the gerund in chuckling.

Here's another: A ball. Oliver got up, his chin hurting. Why not simply, "his chin hurt."





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Review of The Fun House  Open in new Window.
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
You really have a great talent. You hook the reader with your very first paragraph in this tale. There were moments that really scared me. Not the monsters of the Unhouse, but the loose abandon of fear that many teenagers and youngsters possess to explore the unknown. Is it a brave thing to explore a rumoured haunted funhouse? Is it amusement? Does such exploration leave a feeling of achievement, much like sleeping over at Alcatraz? Well, the fact is, for every action there is a reaction, and in The Funhouse, you achieve that remarkably well.

We all possess a flair for adventure. That's why we have been to the moon, and are reaching ever farther out into space, the oceans and exploring the frontiers of the mind. This is where you excel. The mind. It plays with us, and can leave us bereft of logic. Two children disappear. You never say how. You hint. And that is what will make many a reader come back for more. The children are normal, happy go lucky. They have a whole life to look forward to. But for Kevin, this event will follow him for the rest of his life, mainly because it will probably never be resolved, and that too os scary.

So, on all levels I found thgis piece to be highly entertaining, thought provoking, and intense. Writing suspence/horror, is not an easy task. It cannot be contrived, and you calmly stay away from that. Writing this kind of story in first person simple past tense gives the reader a platform to build on his criticism

I did, however want a faster pacing, and that is the only criticism I have.

Excellent Job

Respect
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Review by Story Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
The angst of a young woman alone on the street in the dead of night. Blood rushed to my head. The suspense set my heart pounding. A scream in my throat wants her to turn the engine and accelerate forward. But, the man poses no real threat. He has not harmed her in any way. If she accelerates and hits him, she'll be up for manslaughter. If she waits to see what he going to do, he might kill her. A catch 22 situation. She had better think fast without jeopardizing her life.

A cool work of flash. It works on many levels. The suspense is awesome, and moves the reader to want to read more. How did she get out of the situation? The reader must use her own imagination to resolve the story. The character is not stereotyped but someone with whom any woman could identify. The tale is not over the top, but really down to earth, nail biting, and well written.

I say well written. However, this could be beautifully written. There are tiny gremlins in here that do need to be ironed out. The pacing can be increased to make it perfect.

Look at this and see if you can spot what I did.

"I left my friend’s apartment at 2:45 that morning.

My mother always told me it’s not safe for a girl to walk the streets that time of night. But crime in my neighborhood has been down, just about disappeared for two years now, thanks to our new Mayor. I wore my new skirt and heels and felt a little uneasy. I whistled softly.

The street was lonely and dark.

Except for the moon and a few street lights, there was no other illumination. I kept a calm, sturdy pace while whistling my tune. After a moment I stopped and turned to look behind me. Surely I heard another set of footsteps. I wanted to call out, to see if someone was there, but my better judgment thought against it. I continued my journey. Only two blocks to my car, I thought, with relief.

I walked faster.

My head positioned straight ahead, my eyes rolled to the right, desperately trying to see behind me. The footsteps picked up along with my own. I slowed down only enough to take off my heels. Hopping on the asphalt like a frog out of its element, I managed to get both shoes off. I held them in each hand with the heels ready to be used weapons. I removed my shoulder purse and laid it over my head and across my chest, like the sash on a beauty pageant winner.

In stockinged feet I heard the footsteps more clearly now. My heart pounded as I sucked in and released the stale, night air. My legs trembled and I begged them to run. They took pity on me and tore down the pavement with precision speed. I heard the footsteps running behind me, getting closer, but, so was my car, I’m sure.

As my Volkswagen came into view I screamed.

I threw my shoes to the ground and as I got closer to my car door, I fumbled in my purse and retrieved my keys. I jammed the key in the lock and turned around for one more look behind me as I swung open the car door.

No one was there.

No footsteps.

No shadows.

Not a sign of life .

Could it have been my imagination?

I locked the doors. The lamppost flickered. I rested my head on the steering wheel as I tried to catch my breath. After a few seconds with sturdy I turned the key in the ignition, and just as my head came up above the dashboard, my eyes foucused on him, standing in front of the car.

The lamp post flickered and fused."

I increased the pacing by using clear, precise imagery.

I reduced and even removed words like I heard, began to, was wearing (wore) started, started to, positioned is repeated so i removed one of them, could hear (heard). I don't want to make my edit too ewasy for you, so maybe, if you spot the other edits you might be able to learn from them.

Writing suspense needs to have an edge. It has to be quick. You can use one word sentences to increase pace. You can write one sentence paragraphs to increase the pace.

The writer cannot relax her wording for one moment, the reader will pick up on it. The writer must make every word count.

I enjoyed your piece, and hope to see more of your writing.

Respect
19
19
Review by Story Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Well, for a first time this is a good tale of a demented persona. A dark tale. It drew me in immediately. I could vizualize the garden and the girl and the blood letting.

I wanted to help you on this story because I found there are many places that needed correction. Novice writers always make the same mistakes and I found that the erroneous zones in your piece could be edited for clarity and precision. Mostly precision.

I capitalized my instyructions not to shout but to delineate. You will find my comments in the piece between brackets. Once you have changed them, please read your piece out loud to tell the difference. My changes will increase your pacing and make it flow more.

I enjoyed the angst and the suspense here.

Well done


I wander the garden a lot. It was my favorite spot here when I was alive. I use (should be USED) to walk among the roses and lilies smelling the smells (MAYBE YOU COULD DECRIBE THE SMELLS) and listening to the animals WHAT ANIMALS, BE SPECIFIC) moving nearby. I’m not dead by choice. They use (should be USED) to tell me I was too young to even think about death, and now I am a twenty three year old ghost, wandering the ruins of what use (should be USED) to be my home.

I didn’t go because of a sickness or something like a heart attack or going in your sleep. It wasn’t something exciting either like a murder or a freak accident. I did it to myself. I was too dumb to know what I was doing.

I use (remove USE TO just say STRESSED) to stress myself (remove MYSELF) about everything; getting (remove GETTING) the best grades in class, getting (remove GETTING)the next promotion at my job, looking my best twenty four seven. (should be twenty-four-seven WITH DASHES) By the time I was (Remove WAS say TURNED) sixteen my hair was completely grey and super thin. I was tired all the time but kept being stressed anyway. It was the only way I knew how to live. It was the only thing causing my soul to fade out of existence.

Then, (Remove THEN) one day, I was cutting cucumbers for a salad. I missed the damn fruit or veggie or whatever it is and cut my finger. I felt a rush come over me as I saw the blood dripping out of the cut. (A rush came over me as blood dripped from the wound REMOVE I SAW AND I FELT) I liked watching the blood rush out. From that day on, I would make (REMOVE WOULD MAKE and rather say (MADE) small cuts on my finger or wherever I could reach to make the blood rush out. I should’ve stopped but I didn’t.

I knew it was going too far when all my thoughts were consumed with more bloodletting, but I tried to play it off as something minor. I didn’t tell anyone; all my goals vanished and I would spend (REMOVE WOULD SPEND and rather say SPENT)all my day in the garden letting my blood touch the flowers. My mom didn’t notice anything; she was too busy trying to find a new lover every night.

I would cry by the pear tree over there (remove over there) praying for help, praying for the strength to get over this. It seemed like nobody up there cared so I just (REMOVE THE WORD JUST)stopped praying, thinking there was no need to waste my time and theirs.

My name is Janet by the way, Janet Zorr. By the time I died nobody knew who I was; not even me.

Every time I cut myself I took a little more blood out each time. (DONT REPEAT THE WORD TIME RATHER SAY: Every time I cut myself there was more blood. KEEP IT SHORT AND SIMPLE) You might think I was crazy; I probably was; but I think I was more lost than crazy. I tried to stop lots of times but it always pulled me back in. The blood dripping down my arm felt as good as or better than an orgasm. There was no way I was going to ever get over it; I know that now.

The day I died was like any other day; the sun was shining(COMMA) AND the flowers were swaying (REMOVE WERE SWAYING just say SWAYED) in the wind. I sat in the garden and heard the laughter of my mom being chased by her one day lover. He was younger than me, but who am I to judge? I was lost and cold. It was around seventy degrees but I was wearing (remove WAS WEARING JUST SAY wore)short shorts and a tube top. The more skin that showed, I had more of a canvas to color with my blood.

I looked at my inner left thigh and decided that was where I was going to get my blood that day. I took the small pocket knife I always had on me and cute (SHOULD BE cut) a five inch cut (SHOULOD BE incision) into my skin and watched the blood roll down my leg. It felt amazing. I wanted more blood to fall so I decided to cute(SHOULD BE cut) another five inch cut (SHOULD BE incision)into the space between my breasts. The blood spilling all over my stomach was just turning (*REMOVE WAS JUST TURNING AND RATHER SAY turned) me on so much. The final cut was by far the deepest, and I did it (REMOVE AND I DID IT RATHER SAY simply .... just above the collar bone)just above the collar bone. The blood cascaded in wave after wave of red pleasure all over my body.

Soon I began to feel (REMOVE BEGAN TO FEEL AND RATHER SAY felt) really weak, (REPLACE WITH A FULLSTOP TO INCREASE pacing) and (REMOVE AND)I could barely hold the blade. I was getting wave after wave of pleasure that the grass around me soon became a reddish brown color from all the blood. After feeling the most intense pleasure of my life, I looked to the side, and saw (REMOVE AND SAW) the roses closest to the ground a few inches from my face were covered in blood. It scared me a little bit. (REMOVE the qualifier A LITTLE BIT)

Then (REMOVE THEN) the pleasure started to (REMOVE STARTED TO) morph ( SHOULD BE morphed) from intense pleasure to intense pain engulfing my entire body. IT hurt so bad my eyes were watering (REMOVE WERE WATERING JUST SAY watered) from no longer pleasure but pain. I was scared out of my mind by then. I was trying (REMOVE WAS TRYING JUST SAY tried)to scream for help but I was so weak I couldn’t even open my mouth. My body felt like it (REMOVE FELT LIKE IT)was on fire. I didn’t want to die that way; I kept thing (SHOULD BE thinking)to myself, “If I can just move my finger I can get help.”

Those fingers never moved. I started to (REMOVE STARTED TO) hallucinate SHOULD BE HALLUCINATED) that the roses and lilies and forget-me-knots were covered in my blood laughing at me telling me, “For such a high achiever you’re never going to do anything.”

In my head I was screaming and crying and moving every inch of my body everywhere. I don’t know how long I was like that, but for a split second my body didn’t feel any pain. I closed my eyes happy for the relief.

Then my body felt like it exploded into a million pieces. I opened my eyes, expecting with a sliver of hope that I was safe in a hospital room recovering.

Instead of seeing white walls when I opened my eyes; I saw my body beneath me, dead in the grass with a blood carpet beneath me. (RESTYRUCTURE THIS SENTENCE, IT DOESN'T SOUND GOOD. REPETITION OF BENEATH ME)

“GOD! GOD! LET ME LIVE! I WANT TO LIVE!”

I screamed and cried and pounded the air and just had a total mental breakdown. I was still having a fit when my mom found my bodying. I saw her cry and collapse on top of me… Sorry for the tears it’s just really the worst thing I remember about dying. I don’t want to talk about it. She held onto the stretcher as they took by body away.

I kept crying to God to help me, to let me live; but he wouldn’t listen to me.(REMOVE TO ME)

My funeral only had me and my mom. She was the only one standing there as my body was lowered into the ground. She hung herself shortly after that… Right over there, in this garden; I watched and screamed and cried.

She got to move on. She got to see the pearly white gates and see God. RESTRUCTURE REMOVING THE WORD GOT: She movedon. Went to the Pearly Gates to see God) All she did was smile at me as she left. I’m stuck here forever to relive what has happened and what could have happened. I’m desperately lonely. I still talk to the same flowers, even though their (SHOULD BE they are) dried up and dead, like me, for answers from them but they never talk back. I wish someone would buy this house. No one has been here for years. Why are you here? You going to write a book about me and my mom? You the one selling the house? Make sure nice people get it.

I haven’t had any friends in a while. You want to be my friend. People don’t usually see me; they’ve never seen me. You want to be my friend? Don’t walk away I’m talking to you. Don’t you want to talk?

Turn around.

Turn around!

TURN AROUND!
20
20
Review of The Tunnel  Open in new Window.
Review by Story Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
This story gives a plausable meaning to our existence. A complicated subject written well. I have delved into this subject of existence prebirth and I am pleasantly surprised by the author's take on it. My own research went a little farther and deals with the moment of death and the journey of the soul, up to the time of reincarnation, where the soul is given freedom to choose his next existence. The author understands. It may very well be that the author's soul has been places. A well travelled soul knows certain things that an immature soul does not.

I couldn't help but immerse myself into the dilemma of the narrator. The narrator has chosen the one person who is able to communicate precisely because even in the prebirth state, the soul realises one truth, the importance of communication. Without communication on a social level, humans are nought. It is one of the greatest abilties of any species. He chooses communication above a stranger, a child and a woman. Clever thing, the soul.

The mechanics of the piece are constructed to draw the reader into a mystery with short, sharp, sentence structure. Hence, the pacing is well written. Each mystery draws the reader to the next like a moth to a flame. I wanted to know more, but then I thought, well, more is life.

I found the following sentences could be changed for clarity and precision:

I switch the small grey knob (a knob turns, it doesn't switch)
The tunnel is still ahead (A tunnel is ahead: Reducing the word STILL)
The young boy in the backseat starts to cry (Reduce starts to - could simply be The young boy...cries - active. Begins to, starts to, appears to, are all words I avoid in my own writing to make way for clarity and precision)
... and for the first time I take in how absolutely (take in can be reduced to SEE or NOTICE)
beautiful that she truly is (delete THAT; in all your writing you should reduce the word THAT)
Her long, brown hair seems to float over her shoulders. Her skin appears to be very smooth (instead of seems,just tell it as it is: her long brown hair floats over her shoulders. Instead of appears, just write it as it is: Her skin is smooth. Also delete VERY in all of your writing, it is a useless qualifier)
my speedometer still reads sixty (reduce STILL)
my foot back on the gas (delete the word BACK)
I then see the red “Cruise” light (Delete the word THEN as much as possible in your writing. In life things happen sequentially anyway so THEN becomes redundant)
I notice how attractive that red light truly is. (How about removing I NOTICE, which is used often, and just say: The red light is attractive. Also deleting the word TRULY)
In fact, the looming tunnel seemed to frighten (Delete the words IN FACT, in fiction these words really mean nothing. also the word SEEMED. Also the word LOOMING which is the third word of the story, so this is repetition. If you rewrite the sentence it becomes a lot more precise: The tunnel frightens me.
The man in the backseat laughs. He has a laugh that frightens me (try this. Remove He has, and just say: A laugh that frightens me.)
I watch as the man walks forward (reduce the words I WATCH...everything is seen through the narrator's eyes anyway.The sentence is more precise and clear without those words).
begins to darken (reduce BEGINS TO. Why not just say, MY environment darkens. It's a lot more active, it is clear and it is precise).

Remember, when writing fiction, to check for clarity and precision. It doesn't matter if you use adverbs or adjectives, or whether you tell or show, but foremost in your mind should be the question, is this sentence precise? Is it clear? Have I wasted words? Are there any words that are not required? Would it sound better without this word? That's the fun with writing. I usually bone down my sentences so that an editor cannot be picky and in fiction, they always are.

Mostly, the piece is well written. I liked the premise. I was hooked. I enjoyed it tremendously.

For me, the most important sentence in this work is: ...I have made my choice, and I accept it.

That is the truth of life. We live and die by our choices. And we must accept it.

That is life.



21
21
Review of Trick or Tweet  Open in new Window.
Review by Story Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Well, this story really describes a different kind of halloween. Man versus technology. Man fails. Technology fails. I enjoyed every moment of this tale. The author hooked me from the word go and I couldn't stop reading. John Young is an ordinary man in an ordinary world until he meets Carolyne, a technophyle who's world is controlled by the internet and all of it's ramifications. This is when John's "normal" world ends and he enters the twilight zone of internet reality. To add pepper to the meal, the year is 2012, and there are mixed reports as to how the world will end and Tom Buckley translates this idea from the word go. Tragedy strikes when least expected and the entire globalk network is effected, plunging the world's communicastions structuire into dissaray .

I enjoyed the clarity and precision in every sentence, every paragraph and every chapter. Each word is used to moive the story on. Buckley understands the Telkling versus showing theory in fiction, and he does it well. Their are moments that need to be told, and there are moments that need to be shown. The short chapters move the story forward and he jumps from one momet in time to another without forcing it. Nothing is forced in this story. The characters are real people with real fears andthis made it easdy for me to become emotionally involved. There is action, and romance and subterfuge. There is the decline of civil society and the story is filled with surprises, especially towards the end when we find out exactly what is going on.

I would recommend this apocalyptic stor to everyone.

Well done, Tom. Thanks for entertaining me with a story that gripped me from the very first word.

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