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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/lower48alaskan
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78 Public Reviews Given
101 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This review will probably end up half review, and half commiseration.

I've got to say, I have a mobile phone - but everything that you've listed in this item, has also been a frustration for me as well. It's amazing these days how people think you can't live without a mobile. I frequently leave mine at home, turn it off or simply silence and refuse to answer it because I'm busy with other people or activities. You'd be amazed at how many times people have yelled at me for that, as if it's somehow irresponsible to not answer my phone for their every whim. When I point out that they wouldn't always answer their home phone even when they're home I'm told : "That's different."

I like the sentiment of your work. The only reason it's 3.5 stars is that I don't think you fully developed all of your paragraphs. For example, your paragraph on the issue of trust seemed a bit disjointed. I read that paragraph a few times trying to see what I had missed. I think I see where you're going with this (it's easier to deceive someone about your location on a mobile phone), but I think you could expand it to be clearer. It just felt like you didn't really finish your thought before moving on to the next one.

Just a little note on the exploitation of the worker paragraph. As someone who is on the job market right now, I have another aspect of that same subject for you. If one doesn't answer the phone when an interviewer calls - they don't leave messages and they won't call back. It used to be they'd do both, as no one could be home 24/7 to take their call. Now, regardless of whatever else you may be doing they expect you to answer the first and only time they will call.

In addition, there are many people who I've noticed will call over and over again - sometimes ten or more times if you don't answer your mobile. It's become much more acceptable behavior than it was before phones would fit in your pocket.


"The most callow and ignorant place their mobile on the table next to that array of forks one never knows when to use." I love this sentence! It's funny and scathing without being too over the top to appreciate. I would suggest another look at your punctuation or wording though. I had to read it a couple times to understand, as it first seemed like you were calling a place callow and ignorant. Perhaps something along the lines of "The most callow and ignorant of offenders".

Overall, I thought that it was a good start, but I'd like to see it more developed and organized. Perhaps in an article format? I can see this making a fantastic opinion piece on a blog or in a paper with some more work. Though I know this was probably your catharsis piece, I think it has the potential to be a lot more.

Keep in mind these are only my opinions and only you know what is right for your writing. I'm returning your GPs for you, as it wouldn't seem right to take them, as most of my opinion is to change it into an article.

Thanks for the opportunity to read this.

Write on!
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Review of I Thought  Open in new Window.
Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Honestly, I think that your title could use some work. I appreciate it's simplicity, but at the same time it doesn't give me as much of a feel for what I'm getting into as I like in a title. You only understand it after reading the poem, which can be fine, but usually in that case you see a little more unique of a title. Simply personal preference.

However, that being said I absolutely love the verse you have written. It rhymes and keeps it's rhythm pretty consistently. The only part that I think really doesn't fit is the word "perfect" it messes up the rhythm you had so far set in my mind, making it a bit too long. You've described very simply that horrible sensation all writers have at some point or another, forgetting your idea before you can get it written down. The tone is catchy and the verse is very cute. I'd expect to see it in some collection of poetry, stories and wisdom for young writers. Like a chicken soup for writers, but with better selections. :)


Thanks for sharing!

Write on!
3
3
Review of Boxes  Open in new Window.
Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Title/Description


Your title and description work well together to catch my attention. On it’s own I find the title Boxes interesting in it’s simplicity, it sparks the curiosity, but it was your description which really made me click your link to read.


First Paragraph/Beginning


I like the contrast in Barney Cromwell’s physical description. Deep and bright colors, neat and ragged. Right off the bat it gives you the feeling that something is not quite right with him. Yes, part of it is the color of his eyes, but I think that you’d have given off the same feeling even if they’d been a more normal color. I’m assuming from his physical description that this character is an albino, but this is only after a moment or two of reflection.

I love the humor of this sentence at the beginning: “Who’s this character?” I’m not sure if it is intentional or not, but introducing a character, by having him ask who the “character” you just described is, seems subtly clever to me.


Impressions As I Read


Minor spelling error in this big of dialogue: “Are you sure about that? How do you feel about dead animals? Do you like them to?” - I believe the correct word you’re looking for at the end is “too” not “to” with this usage.

“No....no I wouldn’t. I mean I couldn’t.! I love animals.” For the effect you’re looking for between the “no’s” you really only need three periods. I believe, if I remember my writing classes correctly that anymore than that is considered incorrect. Also, you have a period and an exclamation point after the word “couldn’t”.

“This fruit-loop was so unstable he could barely control himself let alone fend of the probing accusations of an experienced interrogator.” - Another minor mistake - you put “fend of” instead of “fend off”.

I love the unexpected change in Cromwell’s behavior. It nearly made my mouth drop open along with the detective’s!

“I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t realise.” Minor spelling mistake - You actually need to spell it “realize”

“You’re client,” - Here you actually need to use “your” instead of “you’re”. The word “you’re” indicates “you are” so it would make the start of your sentence “You are client,”

I love the description “donut-ravaged”

“As the detective drew closer he saw that the corpse was a woman and not just any woman... it was Sherry the receptionist.” - I noticed that you changed the receptionists name here. This struck me because earlier his nickname for her was “Shells” short for Shelly.




Ending


I love the reason you give for Henry being saved. Your ending was quite unexpected and the first warning we got was certainly clue enough for the reader, but I wonder if it would have been clue enough for Henry given the details provided. The apricot handkerchief wasn’t something you really mentioned as being a standard for Flanders or something that Henry would particular notice.


Final Thoughts

I think you could expand this story quite a bit. The transition from revealing the twist to action was almost nonexistent which was fine, but I think it would have been a little better if you had dropped a bit more background information on your characters through the story and given the reader a little more of a hint. As it was, I didn’t get enough feel for Flanders to be particularly shocked that he was the killer. I was surprised yes, but it really didn’t seem like that big of a deal because I didn’t have much of a connection with him, or Sherry or Henry even. I think if you worked on your character development a little bit more and sprinkled it throughout you’d find it will really flesh out your story. You spent more time giving us a feel for bipolar Cromwell than any of the other characters.

Overall though, I have few complaints. Your story was certainly interesting and the language you used was clear, concise and fit the mood rather well. I enjoyed it very much and I hope you continue to expand the story.






Thanks for sharing!

Write on!

 My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
First Paragraph/Beginning


I love the description of Magus Grey and the tone you set in just the first couple paragraphs. I think we can all relate to the everyday feeling of sitting in a lecture with a boring or simply repetitive teacher. The description of how he knows every imperfection in the ceiling was especially good for bringing the scene to reality for me.


Impressions As I Read


“Zek was leaned over his desk - his long silver hair nearly hid half his face.” - Okay here I go nitpicking, but I’d suggest switching the words “nearly” and “hid” with each other. Nearly hiding something means that it isn’t really hidden. However if it “hid nearly half his face” it gives you a clear idea that a significant part of his face has been hidden by his hair.


I love the mischievous picture we have of Zek. He’s instantly likable and recognizable as that joker everyone knows and wants to be friends with, the kind of guy who you become quickly comfortable with. The cocky, entertaining best friend. It sounds cliche at first, but I think we all rely on those little stereotypes sometimes to introduce a character and as the story goes on we make them all our own. I look forward to seeing how he is developed, if he is in fact a major character.


“Each piece stopped in place, and Zek moved each shard back into place overhead.” - Try and watch sentences like this where you have the same word twice. The word “place” is the offender in this one. Being repetitive in a sentence tends to jar a reader out of the story. Obviously, it cannot always be avoided, but even individual sentences such as this are important and when you can, I’d suggest avoiding redundancy in your words.


I’ve noted that sometimes you capitalize “Arcane” and sometimes you don’t. I’d suggest doing a search within whatever program you’re using for that word and making sure that it’s capitalized in the correct circumstances. As a city name, a race of people or the name for the citizens of that particular city, it should be capitalized.


“He remembered much from the times when he lived alone with his father.” - This sentence contradicts itself a bit. It works, but at the same time it does grab attention. However, this one I’d say you have to think on yourself a while and perhaps ask some other opinions. I may only be noticing it because I’m trying to give you as detailed a review as possible and can get a little crazy on the little things in this mode.


It’s an interesting twist that Chantilla poisoned Aiona and makes the scene where they seem to be supporting each other in fear for their husbands quite sinister. I do however, still think that the characters and situation are flat without at least a hint towards the reason. Just winning isn’t enough - knowing why Chantilla and her husband felt the need to win so badly is important to make even background characters come to life. Just because they appear only a short time, doesn’t mean they should be neglected. If your temporary characters aren’t rich and full of life from the beginning, it won’t matter as much to the reader if your main character is, because they’ve already lost momentum for the story.


Ending

I’m going to skip this part for the most part, since your story is in chapters and it’s not really the ending. However, I do think that you ended the chapter at a good place. It seems a very natural break.



Final Thoughts

You’re very good at depicting the easy feeling of a very long childhood friendship. I find that kind of thing is difficult for most authors to do. I really admire how effortless you make it seem.


I’m enjoying your story so far and I’m glad you took the time to give us a bit of Mason’s everyday life and background before getting into action right away. I know that can be tempting, but laying out the basics for your readers is important too.


This chapter is a lot smoother in flow and more consistent in your writing style than the prologue was. It’s impossible to really say much definitively before reading more, but it seems as if your weaker point would be action scenes, or perhaps you aren’t as comfortable beginning a story. This is something I’ll try to help you consider as we go along (if it proves consistent) and you’ll have to see if you agree or can figure out yourself why the flow and style is less choppy in the first chapter.
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Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Title/Description


Though I have no idea yet what “Ternion” is my interest is always snagged by nice, solid names like that for fantasy. Ternion rolls off the tongue rather nicely and immediately puts me into the fantasy mindset.


First Paragraph/Beginning


Not to seem harsh right off the bat, but your first paragraph really doesn’t hook me into your story immediately. It gives me a little bit of a cliche feel, especially with the first sentence. I’ve read many stories that start out with imagery of the sky with sun(s) beating down. It’s easy to start from the top, dramatically overlooking a vast wild land before panning in, much in the movie style. I think you’d actually do better to skip the first paragraph and zero right into the announcer. Without much editing you could easily slip in the information in the first paragraph throughout your prologue or even in other chapters which deal with Aura and Arc City.


Impressions as I Read


“The Arcane masters on either side of watched on with envy - the master of wind magics need never ask for quiet to be heard” - Just have a few comments on this bit. First of all I think you missed a word “on either side of watched” doesn’t make much sense without that extra word “him” or any other word choice to indicate what the point of reference is. Secondly, it seems to me that if you’re referring to “The Arcane masters” or “master of wind magics” there should be a bit more capitalization. If you’re referring to the person as the title they hold, it usually becomes capitalized in most cases. Keep in mind, I’m not an expert at these things, so feel free to look up the grammatical rules and tell me to shut up. I’d do so myself at the moment, but I have no internet access. I copied and pasted your chapters into a word document so that I could read and review while on a road trip for business. I hope you don’t mind and I will be deleting them from my hard drive as soon as I finish reviewing each chapter. My last point about this sentence is I don’t think that “ask” really needs to be in italics to get your point across, though this is just a matter of personal preference. I’m stingy on italics. haha


Awesome choice on the name Relik. I used to have a role play character with that name, though I used two L’s. It’s just a very rich sounding name, really a pleasure to say - rolls off the tongue. I’m delighted to see someone else who thought up the same name. Also - I’ve never read the name Melios anywhere but it rolls off the tongue just as smoothy. I maybe saying both those names all night, they’re so fun. Okay... so I may have a rather unhealthy obsession with how words sound.


“Except for the lone booth that held the revered masters, nobles and commoners would eat and drink side-by-side, and cheer as one to whatever end.” I’d say this sentence would make a little more sense with a dash or semicolon after the word “masters”. As it is now, I had to read it several times because it sounded like the masters, nobles and commoners were all in the same list of exceptions to the rule.


“Between the fighters and the walls where the crowed watched from above was an array of ruins.” I think this sentence could use some commas. It tends to kind of all run together.


“Of the seven magics taught within the Arcane University, it was a rare thing for an Arcane student to choose the path known as 'crystal magic' to be his only distinction of magic. For that same student to rise so quickly in the ranks, and move to become an arena contender was completely unheard of.” - A couple things here. Having magic so close together in the same sentence makes it sound a little repetitive. The second sentence bothers me a bit as well. I believe it’s something about how specific you become in this sentence on a line of thought that was more general before, without much in the way of transition to prepare the reader for the switch. I’m not sure if I’m really explaining myself very well on this one. If I’ve confused you with my ramblings, let me know and I’ll try and put it a different way.


“Though the clothes were made at expense, the choices he made in apparel seemed strange to the Arcane standard.” - I think you need the word “an” before “expense” in this sentence.


“Under the eyes of the Arcane University, and the great city of Arc, this fight will commence!” The announcer whispered. The exclamation point makes it seem like his voice would be louder than a whisper. It took me aback to find he whispered. Perhaps if he whispered intensely, excitedly ect.


“Melios took steps to make some distance and prepare a new attack.” - I’d suggest rephrasing this sentence in whatever way you’re comfortable with. It sounds very awkward with so many words to explain this simple action.


I do find it quite strange that Melios seems to be so hateful of Relik without much explanation as to why he would feel the need to finish the fight when forfeited and have no concern for what is going on in the stands. I know this may be explained later in the story, but right now in the prologue it makes the character seem very flat and one dimensional to me, where before he had a bit more life. He was competitive, but that’s understandable. Being murderous without motivation that is at least hinted at to the reader makes him less real, at least to me.


Ending


Well, obviously this is the beginning of a very intricate story. I like how you end the prologue with the birth of the child, which leaves the reader wondering right away whether the main character is going to be the father, the son or if they will share equally important main roles in the story. I loved the imagery of dreams burning - that was absolutely fantastic. You leave the reader at the beginning saddened, but with a sense of hope for the future of these two and a deep sense of respect for Relik who is able to push through his pain enough to focus on his child.


Final Thoughts


Overall I thought this was a very nice prologue. There is still some confusion in my mind about the world, but a reader expects that until getting deeper into the book. I’ll let you know as I progress through your stories if anything remains unclear through the story that seems important to understanding the universe you’ve created.


One thing I would suggest, is taking a little look at the battle scene and seeing if there is anywhere you can cut your sentences a little shorter. The descriptions you have are very vivid and give me a clear picture, but almost overwhelmingly so. I became so focused on the details you provided, that it lost momentum. I think that by describing the scene so vividly it loses something. I’d suggest using a little less detail and letting your reader use their imagination a little more. Your descriptions are wonderful, but I think they’re better suited to other types of scenes.


Please keep in mind that while it may seem like I was nitpicking during the bulk of my review, that’s a pretty good sign from me. I enjoyed this start to your story and I think it has some real potential. Your writing style is very descriptive and unique in voice from other things I’ve read. I think most of what you need is just the outside opinion of different people so you can find out how it flows in the minds of others who depend on the little things to indicate how the narration should sound.

Anyway, I look forward to reading and reviewing the rest of your story. It may take me a little while with my crazy schedule, but I aim to do it. :)






Thanks for sharing and Write On!
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Review of Love In Namibia  Open in new Window.
Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I was wowed with the first of these stories that I read of yours but this one is even better. Very creative of you to include each letter of the alphabet to start one or more of your 100 words. I'll make this review public and I hope others see it and choose to read this gem. I'm truly amazed at your capabilities to put such passion into such a short story!
7
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Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Title/Description


The description provided to draw people in is certainly intriguing, but I must say the title is absolutely brilliant. It caught my eye and pulled me in to click on your story. With a title like that I can hardly wait to start reading!


First Paragraph/Beginning


I’d suggest rephrasing the first sentence. The beginning of the sentence is amazing and absolutely gives me the feeling for the rest of the paragraph. However when you get to “who has disappeared into a crowd, near water, or a busy street” it gave me pause - stopped me from entering into the story immediately because I was sitting here wondering why you were addressing only situations where the child has disappeared into a crowed actually by the water or in a busy street. It took me a few re-readings to realize that those were three separate situations instead of two options of location to the one situation. Perhaps that was just me, but if you see what I mean, I think it could be easily clarified with an added word or different punctuation.


The rest of the description you provide in the first paragraph however is very clear to me and quite descriptive and easy to relate to even for someone who has had no children. It’s a very unique way to explain that feeling of fear and the hopelessly loving and protective attachment a parent has for a child.


Impressions as I Read


“The vessel bounced and writhed with arms and legs protruding at unlikely angles as if it were some genetic experiment gone horribly wrong.” I love this sentence, it’s a bit of humor in a perilous situation and certainly describes the look of several kids on an inner-tube and invokes old memories of what that feels like.


I really like that you’ve picked the male in this situation to be more sensitive to his daughter’s accidents than the female. I’ve noticed in most stories, people tend to forget that in many cases the men are far more upset if any small hurt happens to the child they’re protecting than women. It’s nice for a change to read a story where the father has some more depth than many family oriented stories usually give.


I enjoy your sense of humor throughout the story. The frightening quality to children’s toys.

The dialog as Brandon and Karen get ready to start their day seems a little forced to me. I think in an effort to make it so casual and realistic to everyday conversation it loses something. I had a creative writing professor once tell me that dialog in a story is to tell the reader something and keep the plot moving - but you can’t make it too much like an everyday conversation, there has to be a point to it. I think (and correct me if I’m wrong) that you were trying to show how hectic their mornings are with lots of little things to remember and errands to run - the adjustment of schedule and lifestyle now that Karen is no longer a stay at home mom, and Kailey is in school. However, I think that you already explained that in the paragraph above. I’d recommend finding a way to eliminate that paragraph and instead convey that information through believable dialog.


Moving along, the dialog between the doctor and Brandon about his wrist was much smoother and seems to be working the plot along quite nicely. I like the banter between the two as he’s examined.


“Karen had brightened almost at once at the suggestion, the draining heat making short work of her pride.” I’m not sure I understand this sentence... how is going to the beach on a whim making short work of her pride? It might be understandable if she had been going on beforehand about how it wasn’t that hot, telling everyone they needed to stop complaining and such, but as it is now I don’t see how it fits the context.


It seems to me that there seems to be a constant semi-joking and semi-serious battle of wits constantly going on between Karen and Brandon. While joking like that is common among couples it seems like they do it constantly. It’s entertaining, but I think perhaps there is a little too much of a serious tone to some of it that makes me a bit uneasy with their relationship. I’m not sure thus far if that is intentional on your part for some sort of plot twist later or what is going on.


Great imagery as you describe the feeling of drowning at the beach, I really got into the story at that point and nearly found it difficult to breathe myself, you certainly know how to pull a reader in with an action scene.


“It’s like a default setting in the firmware.” This line just made me happy. haha


Ending


Very dramatic ending - I could picture every part of it and I like the way that you broke down each action so as to make reading it feel like slow motion as time was moving for him. I can’t lie though - I’m rather curious as to what those test results found! haha


Final Thoughts

Overall I thought it was a very well written story, the only major advice I have for you is to take a look back through at your story and ask yourself if there is a way you can “show” the reader the scene in different ways rather than telling the reader everything.

Thanks for sharing, I really enjoyed reading this story. Write on!
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Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Title/Description

I like how you name the unsafe city "Haven", the irony is not lost. :) I live irony within a title and description!


First Paragraph / Beginning

You use sky twice within the same sentence. It really caught my attention, seemed a bit too repetitive.


"it had sounded like someone was trying to chisel stone" that seems rather specific for just briefly hearing something. It didn't seem realistic to me.



As I Read

Whoa, I don't know why but for some reason I had it in my mind this was a later time period than it actually was. The sword for a weapon jolted me about of that idea. I'd suggest an earlier indication, before your reader has time to make false assumptions about that.

I like and dislike the idea of the bells at the same time. On one hand, it's good to alert other members of the patrol. On the other hand, unless their target is deaf, he can hear them coming too and will be able to tell more easily if he's lost them or not. It's both practical and impractical. Hmm...

You had my heart racing there for a moment. I thought for sure that the thief was going to just slide through. Great job, you surprised me when he had to turn instead, did it rather smoothly as well.

The ray of moonlight seems a bit too convenient. I think that scene has more potential if you draw it out a little longer, create some more tension and suspense as they try and figure out where he is in the alley, and if he'll attack them!





Quality of Ending


The night watch sounds like the place to be. Fun initiation into the nightlife.


Final Thoughts


As I said, I thought you could have drawn out the suspense more in parts, but overall I thought it was a pretty good story.




Thanks for sharing!



I do apologize for the long delay in getting this review to you.


Your port has been raided by: Thieves R' Us
9
9
Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Title/Description

Beautiful title.



First Paragraph / Beginning

Your first paragraph immediately seizes my interest. Why they must go out to this battlefield, I don't know, but I feel an instant connection with Tristan, as he seems to know what he's doing.



As I Read

I'm in love with the names you choose for your characters. They're not only beautiful and fun to say, but they all look good together.


The dialect your characters have is great. It just adds to the realism. Too many authors forget that not everyone speaks perfect and (often fancy) English.


I like this concept of power coming from specific gates. (That is, if I understand correctly) It's different than most other stories I have read before.


I find myself chanting with your healer, just because it's incredibly fun to say! haha


God lord you're amazing at describing carnage. I have a pretty vivid imagination on my own, so I usually picture things pretty graphically, but your descriptions have taken my imagination to greater heights!


You also describe her almost motherly worry for the boy well. I find myself feeling the same as Erin, though I don't know what has gone on before now.


The dialogue between Tristan and Erin is fascinating!


I think capitalizing UGLY is a mistake. With the scene you've set, I think that the reader finds an emphasis on the word ugly without it needing to be in capitals. Our own mind supplies the emphasis, the scene is so sickening.


Small typo : Up close the leave bundles


BLINKED! BLINKED?! Who knew such a simple action could be so startling!






Quality of Ending

I can't help it, I practically screamed when I realized that this was all you had. I'm fascinated! I want to know more! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS!!!!

Final Thoughts

Absolutely fascinating! I really want to read this book you're writing. Finish it and get it published my friend! You deserve it!





Thanks for sharing!



I do apologize for the long delay in getting this review to you.


Your port has been raided by: Thieves R' Us
10
10
Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Title/Description

I like your title. It's simple, to the point and intriguing.

I'd suggest a little more about your story in the description. I generally like horror and psychological thrillers, but not everyone thinks they are interested in those genres. If you give a little description about the plot of the story (without giving too much away) you're likely to draw in a few more readers than you usually might.


First Paragraph / Beginning

Great first sentence. It's just odd enough to really grab your reader's attention, but not so odd as to set us on edge. That first sentence makes me slightly uneasy, but not alarmed.


You have me immediately identifying with your character, though I know nothing about him yet. He's an artist and a thinker, which can lead to the most wonderful and the most frightening characters.


As I Read

As your character has mentioned he is an artist, two possibilities came to mind when I read "I wipe the smear of red fore from my cheek" One was paint, and knowing the genre the other of course was blood.


Rather than describing it as the lights "buzzing" on and off, and the shadows "flickering" why not use "flickering" for the lights and something like "dancing" for the shadows? I think it would give a clearer image of your setting. The buzzing on and off of lights doesn't bring much of an image to me. Flickering shadows works, but I just think the word flickering would be put to much better use to describe the lighting instead.


When your character started talking about his reflection, I simply thought he was musing, not physically standing and looking in a mirror. I'd suggest giving us an earlier idea of his physical presence, that way it doesn't seem like when you mention the woman he sees, like you've jumped to a different subject almost too randomly.


Your description of his dream is amazing. I could see the scene very vividly.


Seeing into this character's mind, his thought process is absolutely fascinating. I can barely tear my eyes away from your story to type my impressions as I have them!


"Though she is not gagged she makes no noise." Here I am, thinking she's just petrified!


"undisguised by language" - I'm in love with that description.


Hmm torture and murder of the neighbor... makes it seem like this man is both an angel of vengence and a twisted psychopath. I know not if he speaks of an imagined wrong, or real one. I don't even know if it's an emotional, spiritual or physical homicide he speaks of. I can't wait to find out.


This is both fascinating and slightly confusing as it should be...I have the feeling it's the kind of story to read twice. :)


"I was somehow able to drain the contents of her skull" -- I'd recommend removing the word somehow. It jerks me back from the story, because it just has the appearance that you personally (as an author) don't know how it happened, since your character doesn't seem to know. If anyone knows - he does. (Though I rather hope you don't. hehe)

I find both his view of his "art" and his delusions of the attack. Guilt perhaps? As I see it, so far it seems that he sees enough humanity in her, to see himself as a monster. Perhaps for that he is punishing himself with these visions...?





Quality of Ending


I like how the one person who seems to be precious to him...is the one who confronts him at the end. Shames him perhaps?

The ending was both chilling and revealing. I really do think this is one story that I will have to read again to fully appreciate, but just reading it once has given me a lot to think about. The mind of a killer is always fascinating, and I think it can tell us a lot about ourselves.


Final Thoughts


Overall I loved it. There were a couple places that I mentioned above that momentarily made me remember it was just a story, but other than a few minor things, it was wonderful.



Thanks for sharing!



I do apologize for the long delay in getting this review to you.


Your port has been raided by: Thieves R' Us
11
11
Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Title/Description

I think your title and description say much the same thing. In my opinion you should change your title to something a little more eye catching.




First Paragraph

You put us in the mood of your piece immediately. Also, I love that first sentence with the description of "buried in memory".





As I Read

You're very good at description in these random thoughts. They allow us to see your point rather well because of it. You come across as extremely intelligent and therefore, easier to believe. Though I know you say that this is a bunch of random thoughts, not any piece written specifically to have a debate over, I still feel you should know that you're very convincing. Though I have always had such thoughts myself, I believe whether I did or not you'd have given me something to think about.






Final Thoughts

Though I usually give more detailed reviews, I am at a bit of a loss here. As you do say that I should keep in mind they are loose thoughts thrown together, I was a bit scared of reviewing. This is simply from the standpoint of I usually am reviewing pieces that have a specific purpose and therefore I can make suggestions to guide in the way its going. With yours I found that my fear was uncalled for. Despite my original thoughts and your description of this as a “thinking out loud” piece and “random thoughts” it was easy to follow and delightful to read. I can sympathize with you and I think everyone thinks about these things to some extent.

However, I like said I have a bit of a problem reviewing you on ways I think you could improve your writing, when as a “thinking out loud” piece, I don’t see how you could improve it. It’s great the way it is. Were you looking more for a philosophical response? Perhaps an editor for any grammatical errors there might be? I’d love to help you, but I require a bit more of information from you on what you personally want.

I can see you turning these “random” thoughts of yours into a very interesting essay piece. Perhaps even an article would work. If the idea tickles your fancy, have a crack at it!





Thanks for sharing!
Your port was raided by:
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Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
{{b}Title/Description
Your title is fitting - not only does it draw attention, but it is extremely truthful to your story. He really seems in the dark without his wife around. Your description really made me curious as to what would happen. When someone is slightly crazy anything can happen!



First Paragraph/Beginning
Your character is quite interesting; he has a really twisted way of looking at things. I especially like this: "a mixture of shock fear and disgust such as you might experience if you woke to find Adolph Hitler massaging your feet."

What a descriptive way to put it! The description gave me a clear picture of what he was thinking and it really amused me as well.

You manage to successfully hook your reader with a dose of humor and the strange.



As I Read

I didn't quite get the impression that the dog was on the couch with him in the beginning. So it surprised me when he kicked him off, when in my mind the dog was on the floor. I was confused about how his motions would wake your character up because of this.

I like how strangely and calmly your character reacts to these abnormal situations. It's like he's fallen through the rabbit hole and suddenly everything is just as he thinks it should be. Rather strange.

You have a few spelling errors in the paragraph where he decides to spend some time worrying. (I really like that sentence by the way)

Dad having a heart attack, Mum being hit by a bus, Brothers having car crashes, wife being mugged and son dying of heroine overdose -- You capitalized the B in brothers, I don't think that's entirely correct.

I suggest that when he is thinking things such as "What are footsteps doing upstairs" that you put it in italics. It just makes it easier for your reader to immediately know its what your character is thinking at that moment. It also means you could eliminate the words "I thought" if you wished.

I like his attitude, how just apathetic he seems about it all. He's mildly curious about the footsteps, but just trusts that it'll all become clear eventually.

You have another typo in this sentence: The candle’s smell was dragging me somewhere and I wasn’t sure I wanted to go. It was tempting because it was somewhere cosy but I felt it t might be hiding the threat of a debilitating kind of nausea. -- Just a random extra t, nothing too bad but I thought I should let you know.

"I did this without consuming hardly any leaves at all" -- Hilarious sentence, gives me quite an image.

It was 16.388. The day before It was only 4.3 -- You capitalized the second "It" which doesn't work as it's in the middle of the sentence.

Then I saw in her eyes that world made sense. -- I'd suggest adding the word "the" between "that" and "world" I think it would make the sentence seem less...disjointed.



Quality of Ending

I like the ending; it seems to be rather fitting. His wife comes home and suddenly his world makes sense again. Everything is pulled back into focus - very cute.


Final Thoughts

I was confused at several points in your story, but I think that works for your story. It’s surreal. Your story was so random, and sprinkled with humor throughout. I really enjoyed it! Read through it again for spelling errors and other typos and I think you'll be set.



Thanks for sharing!


Your port was raided by:



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Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (1.5)
Title/Description


Your title explains what the story is about and is intriguing - an escape is exciting. I'd suggest using capitalization though. The same for your description - it makes the reader want to read because of that air of mystery but


First Paragraph/Beginning


Alright, well the first thing I noticed is your spelling. Before you do anything else to the story, go use spell check. I only got to the third word before the spelling errors started to distract me. You have many typos, such as "bedded" it won't show up on your spell checker as wrong, but what you really mean is imbedded.


In my opinion you should turn this first paragraph into two seperate paragraphs. It's pretty long, especially when it makse up about half of your first part.

Also, rather than being smooth like a story, your sentences seem rather disjointed. It becomes a play-by-play rather than an actual story and is distracting to your reader.


"Zarth stumbled further down the slope and moved in behind a huge boulder where it has become wedged between two pine trees" -- I'd recommend simply stating that the bolder was in between two pine trees rather than making it seem rather more recent. It makes it sound like things are just suddenly falling into place where they should, rather than already being there.




As I Read


You're not consistant when it comes to spelling "dargulth"...the spelling changes through your story - watch out for that.

I suggest writing out the numbers, rather than just having a number such as "3" standing out on it's own, looking out of place with the rest of the words.

"Zarth then started walking behind it made his way to the hunters who were still continuing to pepper him with arrows." -- This sentence doesn't quite make sense. Perhaps rephrase it...or just use punctuation.

Only one exclamation point is really needed when Zarth is panicing.





Quality of Ending


You leave the ending with your reader feeling slightly cut off. We want to know the rest of the story but it's abrupt. Thats fine if you don't plan to section it off into "parts" as you do when writing it. However, as it is now it's a slight anti-climax.



Final Thoughts


Over all I think it has the potential to be a fascinating story. The spelling and grammar was just so distracting that I couldn't entirely focus on it. I'd love to give you more feedback and be able to rate this higher. Let me know when you have edited it again.





Thanks for sharing!


Your port was raided by:

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Review of Bacon  Open in new Window.
Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
First Paragraph


Creepy bacon dream. I'd suggest putting the first and last bacon of the sentence with an emphasis on the same vowel. If you're calling out a word and you draw out the A's, then it's more than likely the next time you say it, you're going to draw out the A's again, not the O's. Nitpicky me! Also, since it's a dream, I suggest putting it in italics.




As I Read


A wad of bacon out of his pocket...ewwww. Lint covered bacon! If you're truly going to write yourself a fun little story about the evils of bacon though - I have a suggestion. You mention that Bill looks possessed by the bacon. Well, it's hard for your reader to imagine just how he might be possessed by bacon. So don't tell us that show us - describe just how oddly Bill is acting.


"At this point Bob began to think that something weird was going on, but he had no idea yet of the true power of bacon on the average man." -- This sentence pretty much made me laugh. The true power of bacon on the average man...oh that’s classic!

You change throughout your story from past tense to present tense, past tense to present tense. Watch out for that, it's really distracting to your reader.

In the first paragraph under "THE MIDDLE", I would change the second "Bob" you use to "He". The repetition of his name too often makes your sentences seem more like play-by-plays than a story.

If you're trying to be random, (which I think is the point of your story) I'd suggest using an animal other than squirrels. Squirrels have sort of become the random animal to mention...which means they really aren't random anymore, are they?

Once again, I recommend you show us rather than telling us that the evil squirrel king has evil plans to enslave all humans with bacon. Showing is much more powerful in a story.

You repeat that those specific words of Bob being the savior as being a quote from the grandfather quote. It's distracting to hear things like that twice.

Ewww...hot dogs...the only thing more disgusting than bacon!




Quality of Ending


Your story is just really crazy...which is its charm. Your ending fit with the rest of your story, which was outrageous. I had a hard time believing it though. Not really because it's such a strange story, but because of your grammar and repetitive words. It distracted me from getting into your story.


Now, I do admit that this isn't my type of story usually. However, it's crazy enough that I think I could really get into it as a fun story. Just work on those things I mentioned and I think you could have a great story. You already have a good start.




Final Thoughts


Your grammar needs a little work. I'm no expert on grammar myself, but there are definitely some points where sentences just seem awkward. I'd proofread a little more closely if I were you.


Also, you should be careful to stick to one form for Bob's thoughts and another for his speech. I'd recommend italics for his thoughts and quotes for his spoken words. Otherwise, it's just confusing to your reader.


Be careful with words like "to" and "too" or "then" and "than". They may sound the same, but you sometimes use them incorrectly.


You tend to repeat words too much in the same paragraphs as well. I wouldn't do that unless you want it to be a play by play.




Thanks for sharing!


Your port was raided by:

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Review of The Letter  Open in new Window.
Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Title/Description

Your title was very intriguing. Obviously it put me in the mind of a message in a bottle. Your description too, had me on edge even before I started reading your story.


First Paragraph

I like how you start off your story with a picture perfect setting. A beautiful house, right on the beach and even better - it's vacation! You certainly relax your reader.


As I Read

I like your description of Todd. He sounds deliciously scruffy at their meeting. I instantly like him and know that he's the one for your character. I thought it was great that their meeting was so simple. So many people think that there has to be this instant heat between characters to indicate romance. However, you did it very well with a scene that is entirely believable.

Kudos to you on using the word "superfluities" it's always great when an author uses a word that you don't hear too often.

I've got to admit, you definately surprised me with the suitcase. It would be something unusual to find. I like how you expanded on the original idea by having several things within the suitcase. A goodbye to love.


Quality of Ending

Your ending was sweet and slightly tragic. Even though she seems to have it all, your character can't seem to believe she has it. I like how your ending echos a previous statement made - this is the best, most stable relationship she's had. It makes her fear all that much more real and scary.


Final Thoughts

Overall, I really liked your story. I felt like I got to know your character in just a few short paragraphs. You told this story well. I know how hard it can be to restrict yourself to the word limit, but it didn't seem to interrupt your flow. Great job!

Thanks for sharing!
-K.C.
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Review of Emma Runs Away  Open in new Window.
Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
Title/Description:
Short and self explanatory. Very suitable.


First Paragraph:
Leaves me with a general idea of Emma's age, but nothing very specific. Your first paragraph doesn't immediately hook me in and seize me with a desire to know what happens. However, it doesn't repel me either, it's a decent start to your story.


As I Read:
I don't quite feel Emma's excitement to see her father. I'd suggest showing us more before he comes to see her. Perhaps she's nervously fiddling with her clothes, maybe she can't sit still and keeps looking out the window every thirty seconds. Jesse could be watching Emma, who as nervous on the outside as Jesse is worried on the inside.
I like Paul's greeting to Emma though. It's very typical of a father-daughter relationship, I can practically hear the tone of his voice and see him scoop her up.
So far, your conversations are very realistic too. So often, the dialogue of a story tends to weigh it down and I don't believe it. Believable dialogue seems to be one of the hardest things for writers to accomplish. I have a lot of trouble with it myself. You managed to make it seem both real and interesting.
"Jesse bonded immediately with Zach's sister Kelly who was only a few years younger than Jesse." I'm going to be picky. Beginning and ending this sentence with her name just doesn't seem to flow right. It made me pause and go back to reread to make sure I read it correctly.
"And for once you couldn’t suck it up and pretend to be interested in what she was doing." - I'd move the 'for once' part to just after 'suck it up'. The impression this sentence has given is that his inconsiderate behavior is out of the ordinary, when the rest of the story states otherwise. Actually, that would still give it a hint of the same impression. Perhaps something like 'And you couldn't suck it up just once" instead..."


Quality of Ending:
I liked the ending. Especially the last line where Jesse thinks about how Zach makes her feel the same way. It was very cute.
Final Thoughts:
My heart about stopped at one point in the story when Zach was thinking about how Emma wanted to climb the elephant rocks. However, that was about the only point in which I was worried about Emma.
I found that through much of the story the characters seemed flat. The only time I really felt strong emotion was when Jesse was frustrated. I think your main problem is you're telling us too much. SHOW us that they are sad, or worried, or excited, don't just tell us. If you'd like some examples of ways you can do that, I would be happy to provide them.
Oh, and you might want to proof your story again., You have several typos throughout it that are easily fixable.
This story does have the potential to be very heartwarming and I did like your character Jesse. For the most part I found her spirited and I liked how she stood up to Paul. Jesse and Paul's interactions were great! When they were bickering I felt very much involved in the story.
Overall, I think your story needs improvement. However, it is a very good start. You really just need to make your characters a little more emotionally charged and you'll have it.

Thanks for sharing!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" Open in new Window..
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Review of Regret  Open in new Window.
Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Well, without reading the first part of your trilogy I will give you my first impression of this poem. I'll read more of your work later and see if my impressions of the poem change.

So, just by it's self I really like this poem. It starts out seeming the thoughts of a single person, but then you add one two and three to the picture. The impression I get is these are all conflicting personalities of the single person. I really like how you add four at the end with a simple "Doubtful" and with the surprise of being introduced to a new identity, you end it.

It's very thoughtful and powerful. It seems to me that your character is disallusioned, has had far too much of war and has realized that it's not as romantic as it sounds? I like how he/she rejects each of the typical explanations offered for what victory is and comes up with another and better answer.

The only part that made me pause was the line "Where there was shine" it took me a moment (in which I reread the line several times) to realize you were still talking about the eyes. Once I figured it out, it seemed rather obvious. I don't know if it made anyone else pause, but I did. I figure I should mention it, even though that could just be my own lack of sleep getting to me. lol

I really enjoyed reading this poem, it's very descriptive. I especially like the line "calloused the touch." I read it several times and discovered that it was even more delightful to read the second and third time around. Thanks for sharing, and keep up the good work!
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Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Delightful! Absolutely delightful! You hooked me from the very beginning. Broken electronics are something everyone can relate to.

(My parents need to take a page out of your book however - they've had the same washer and dryer for 30 years...the dryer no longer has heat!)

I must say, thank you for sharing this. It had me laughing from beginning to end, and really just made my day!
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Review of I Met a Werewolf  Open in new Window.
Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is very good. I really enjoyed reading it. It's a very interesting story and I like how you made it so unsure. It's really impossible to tell if this really all happened or not, as your narrator is one of the patients. Even if it did happen, and the werewolf was real, who could tell if any of the others are delusional or not? I like stories that leave me like that, wondering and thinking about all the many possibilities.

My only suggestion, is that you have the psychologist doubt herself too soon. It seems to me that a woman with that profession wouldn't take the word of one of her patients who seem to be insane. It seems to me that she would doubt these things and try and discourage the belief of them more than she does.
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Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love it! It's creative and quite funny. A twist on the old story of Snow White, that we have all thought of, but few put into words. Kudos to you! There is one thing I would point out however. Your rhyming is inconsistent.

It seems to me, that the flow is interrupted in the first stanza with the last two lines. Life and guys are words that don't rhyme with each other. That would be fine even, had you stuck to the same form in the third stanza. However, the flow was interrupted on the third and forth line with gossip and lip. Though both end in "ip" they don't really rhyme.

http://www.rhymer.com/RhymingDictionary/gossip.htm...

Other than that, I loved it! This poem really made me laugh. Thanks for sharing!
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Review by K.C. Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love it! It's creative and quite funny. A twist on the old story of Snow White, that we have all thought of, but few put into words. Kudos to you! There is one thing I would point out however. Your rhyming is inconsistent.

It seems to me, that the flow is interrupted in the first stanza with the last two lines. Life and guys are words that don't rhyme with each other. That would be fine even, had you stuck to the same form in the third stanza. However, the flow was interrupted on the third and forth line with gossip and lip. Though both end in "ip" they don't really rhyme.

http://www.rhymer.com/RhymingDictionary/gossip.htm...

Other than that, I loved it! This poem really made me laugh. Thanks for sharing!
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